The Heavy Ball

This, that and the other. Mostly the other

A Sri Lanka v England game you can play

Take up a position in the ground, in the fort if a ticket refusenik, or at home on the Sofa Dawn Patrol, and award yourself points when…

Alan Tyers

Comments: 4 | Text size: A | A
Stuart Broad and Kevin Pietersen run during a training session, SSC, Colombo, March 19, 2012
When an England player is spotted in a vest - two points per © AFP
Enlarge
Related Links
Series/Tournaments: England tour of Sri Lanka
Teams: England

English batsman is bowled by mystery spinner - one point.

English batsman gives interview admitting that he has no idea which way the ball was going to turn - two points.

Replay confirms that ball did not turn at all; English batsman simply befuddled by twirlyman's action - five points.

Article in English press calling for ICC investigation of twirlyman's action - one point per article.

England fans up in arms at having to pay roughly a quarter of the price of a Lord's ticket to get in the ground - 5000 points.

Sri Lanka fans weighing up whether to spend a month's wages on a sporting event - one point per fan (maximum no points).

Meanwhile, British Olympics ticketing people cursing themselves for not having gone with their gut and made London 2012 tickets cost more than two grand per seat - one point.

Sri Lanka board trying to work out if they can get away with charging England fans more for a bottle of water - one point.

Barmy Army vow: "as long as they don't change the beer prizes" - one pint, maximum 20 pints.

It's looking warm out there - one point per degree Celsius, maximum 58.

Twelfth man Samit Patel runs on with drinks - one point.

Samit collapses from heat exhaustion - five points.

England have to send on a 13th man to retrieve Samit - 13 points.

Meanwhile, three England bowlers off the ground for running repairs, comfort breaks, tweeting their mum etc. - three points.

If England actually have exactly 11 on the field at any stage - 11 points.

England surprised by little-known Sri Lankan batsman who scores brilliant century - one point per initial, one point per letter in last name, maximum 150 points.

English commentators can pronounce his name correctly - one million points and game over.

RSS FeedYou can check out Alan's new book, Gin And Juice: The Victorian Guide To Parenting here if you like

Tell us what you think. Send us your feedback

© ESPN Sports Media Ltd.

Comments: 4 
Posted by Scotty99 on (March 28, 2012, 7:54 GMT)

Hilarious! Loved the Barmy Army one!

Posted by randikaayya on (March 27, 2012, 11:40 GMT)

"one point per initial, one point per letter in last name, maximum 150 points." Just ROFL.. Great read, thank you

Posted by   on (March 27, 2012, 11:17 GMT)

" England surprised by little-known Sri Lankan batsman who scores brilliant century - one point per initial, one point per letter in last name, maximum 150 points.

English commentators can pronounce his name correctly - one million points and game over. "

Excellent...

Posted by maverick_ind on (March 27, 2012, 7:14 GMT)

if you didn't find this article funny- 25points ;)

Comments have now been closed for this article

Email this page to a friend Email Feedback Feedback Print Print
RSS FeedAll
Alan Tyers
Alan Tyers writes about sport for the Daily Telegraph and others. He is the author of six books published by Bloomsbury, all of them with pictures by the brilliant illustrator Beach. The most recent is Tutenkhamen's Tracksuit: The History of Sport in 100ish Objects. Alan is one of many weak links in the world's worst cricket team, the Twenty Minuters.

All Articles »

Alan TyersClose
Alan Tyers Alan Tyers writes about sport for the Daily Telegraph and others. He is the author of six books published by Bloomsbury, all of them with pictures by the brilliant illustrator Beach. The most recent is Tutenkhamen's Tracksuit: The History of Sport in 100ish Objects. Alan is one of many weak links in the world's worst cricket team, the Twenty Minuters.
  • ESPN
  • ESPNF1
  • Scrum
  • Soccernet