This, that and the other. Mostly the other
1.36 Amount in centimetres that Hashim Amla's beard grew during his innings.
0.00 Amount in centimetres that thing on Jacques Kallis' head grew during his innings.
895* Number of runs Amla would have made if Smith hadn't made an uncharacteristically positive declaration.
1 World ranking of one of the teams on the pitch. Will still be the case at the end of the series, just probably not the same team.
2% Attention Kevin Pietersen was paying to Kallis and Amla as they showed how to make runs on this wicket.
5 Number of Tests most England cricket fans wanted to see in this series. Have now decided that three is more than enough.
6 Number of brain cells used by Pietersen as he waited to hook Morne Morkel in a bid to show him who's boss.
67213 Number of times Alviro Petersen kicked himself during the last couple of days
311 Number of runs scored by the magnificent Amla. Also telephone number of public information service in North America; maybe they can give the England bowlers some advice.
5000% Increase in noisiness from Indian and Australian fans on the internet now that their conquerors are getting a taste of their own medicine.
0.1 degrees Amount that reverse-swing specialist Tim Bresnan managed to get the ball to deviate off the straight.
25% Amount that Steven Finn has improved as a player in people's minds today.
0 Likelihood of Andrew Strauss sweeping a legspinner successfully.
182 Runs scored by Kallis. Also number of celebratory boerewors sausages eaten by Kallis after innings.
1,000,000 Pints of watery lager drunk by Oval crowd as they tried to numb the pain of a Kallis big one.
Two Number of England captains already retired by Graeme Smith. And counting… ?
All quotes and "facts" in this article are made up, but you knew that already, didn't you?
Made-up Anglo-Australian unkindness aplenty in CrickiLeaks - The Secret Ashes Diaries by Tyers and Beach
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