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The South African batting marathon - in stats

Some lesser-known facts and figures from an incredible day's cricket at The Oval

Alan Tyers

Comments: 23 | Text size: A | A
It was a difficult morning for the England bowlers, England v South Africa, 1st Investec Test, 3rd day, The Oval, July 21, 2012
The moisturiser-applicator narrowly edged out the double teapot as the gesture of choice for England's bowlers on day four © Getty Images
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1.36 Amount in centimetres that Hashim Amla's beard grew during his innings.

0.00 Amount in centimetres that thing on Jacques Kallis' head grew during his innings.

895* Number of runs Amla would have made if Smith hadn't made an uncharacteristically positive declaration.

1 World ranking of one of the teams on the pitch. Will still be the case at the end of the series, just probably not the same team.

2% Attention Kevin Pietersen was paying to Kallis and Amla as they showed how to make runs on this wicket.

5 Number of Tests most England cricket fans wanted to see in this series. Have now decided that three is more than enough.

6 Number of brain cells used by Pietersen as he waited to hook Morne Morkel in a bid to show him who's boss.

67213 Number of times Alviro Petersen kicked himself during the last couple of days

311 Number of runs scored by the magnificent Amla. Also telephone number of public information service in North America; maybe they can give the England bowlers some advice.

5000% Increase in noisiness from Indian and Australian fans on the internet now that their conquerors are getting a taste of their own medicine.

0.1 degrees Amount that reverse-swing specialist Tim Bresnan managed to get the ball to deviate off the straight.

25% Amount that Steven Finn has improved as a player in people's minds today.

0 Likelihood of Andrew Strauss sweeping a legspinner successfully.

182 Runs scored by Kallis. Also number of celebratory boerewors sausages eaten by Kallis after innings.

1,000,000 Pints of watery lager drunk by Oval crowd as they tried to numb the pain of a Kallis big one.

Two Number of England captains already retired by Graeme Smith. And counting… ?

RSS FeedAll quotes and "facts" in this article are made up, but you knew that already, didn't you?
Made-up Anglo-Australian unkindness aplenty in CrickiLeaks - The Secret Ashes Diaries by Tyers and Beach

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Comments: 23 
Posted by   on (July 24, 2012, 9:32 GMT)

Funny... except 411 is the information number for the states... Perhaps Smith should have let him keep going!

Posted by ganirules on (July 24, 2012, 7:39 GMT)

I love this, 0.1 degrees Amount that reverse-swing specialist Tim Bresnan managed to get the ball to deviate off the straight. can you add something about J Anderson

Posted by Wefinishthis on (July 24, 2012, 7:02 GMT)

Very clever, had a great laugh, but I've been a noisy Aus supporter talking up how good this SA side is for years so it's not just this series. Having said that, the series isn't over yet.

Posted by PPD123 on (July 23, 2012, 21:12 GMT)

This is a classic piece - love it. The point around 5000% Increase in noisiness from Indian and Australian fans on the internet now that their conquerors are getting a taste of their own medicine - this is absolutely true. I am an Indian, living in the US. I watched most of the cricket on the net. I woke up early everyday (5 am CST) just to see Eng thrashed. I still believe Eng are a good side - has the making of a great team. Thats why people like me are so anxious to see them beaten - by the way, I have never bothered to watch any Eng teams of the '90s and '00 as they were horrible and regularly beaten, but this Eng side is different. They though need to still prove the doubters about their ability to play on slow/low subcontinental conditions. I doubt too that they would have the same phenomenal success as they have had in the recent pact of faster/bouncier conditions.For eng to bounce back in this series, they need to prepare greentops for the next 2 matches

Posted by Adeel9 on (July 23, 2012, 20:03 GMT)

Superb stuff. "5000% Increase in noisiness from Indian and Australian fans on the internet now that their conquerors are getting a taste of their own medicine." So true

Posted by   on (July 23, 2012, 19:38 GMT)

hahahhahahaha lol awsome article great work Alan :)

Posted by   on (July 23, 2012, 19:13 GMT)

5000% Increase in noisiness from Indian and Australian fans on the internet now that their conquerors are getting a taste of their own medicine--hahahhaha im one of them. love test when played in england and ausralia. true cricket crowds, just awesome to watch

Posted by   on (July 23, 2012, 19:05 GMT)

awesome man ......... really a class act

Posted by Taeryn on (July 23, 2012, 18:29 GMT)

Really funny piece... thanks for the chuckles. Especially liked the bit about Steven Finn!

Posted by Jabulani on (July 23, 2012, 18:23 GMT)

Why make up a ridiculous number for Amla's beard growth when the true number is still impressive? The beard grows on average at 1.67 mm per day so his beard would have grown approx. 2.5 mm.

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Alan Tyers
Alan Tyers writes about sport for the Daily Telegraph and others. He is the author of six books published by Bloomsbury, all of them with pictures by the brilliant illustrator Beach. The most recent is Tutenkhamen's Tracksuit: The History of Sport in 100ish Objects. Alan is one of many weak links in the world's worst cricket team, the Twenty Minuters.

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Alan Tyers Alan Tyers writes about sport for the Daily Telegraph and others. He is the author of six books published by Bloomsbury, all of them with pictures by the brilliant illustrator Beach. The most recent is Tutenkhamen's Tracksuit: The History of Sport in 100ish Objects. Alan is one of many weak links in the world's worst cricket team, the Twenty Minuters.
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