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Features : On again, off again: A timeline of the Pietersen saga
Players/Officials: Kevin Pietersen
Interior of a well-appointed living room. Pictures of Kevin Pietersen on walls. Camera pans round to reveal Kevin Pietersen, dressed in full military uniform of North Korea.
KP: Hi. I'm Kevin Pietersen. You may remember me from such triumphant public relations videos as "Let Me Back In The Team - I've Got Kids To Feed", "I Never Texted Them Things", and the YouTube sensation "Peter Moores: His Role In 9/11".
Flunky runs across screen to fiddle with tape recorder. Pietersen looks on impatiently. Tape recorder eventually plays noise of crowd cheering and shouting "We love you glorious helmsman KP". Suspicion that they may just be one South African voice overdubbed several times.
KP: The adoration of the people means a great deal to me. While I have always loved playing for England, my career as an international superstar, inspiration to kids and film actor-director may be a short one. As a result, I have accepted this amazing opportunity to join the North Korean Premier League.
Flunky holds up cardboard sign with "North Korean Premier League Cricket" written on it in magic marker.
KP: To show that this film is not just a PR exercise, I shall now take questions from an independent interviewer.
Flunky: Your Magnificence... May I call you Your Magnificence?
KP: Ha ha ha. Look, you can call me anything you like, buddy.
Flunky: Thank you, Your Magnificence.
KP: Actually, it's "Sir Your Magnificence". But let's not get bogged down with that. Are you ready to ask me those tough questions which I have not had a chance to prepare answers to, effectively making this exactly like a press conference?
Flunky: Sir Your Magnificence, I am. Can you start off by telling the adoring viewers why you have decided to join the new North Korean Premier Cricket League?
KP: That's an excellent question. I feel that North Korea is providing an incredible opportunity for cricketers to come together and learn from each other. Will large amounts of money be involved? Sure. I'm not going to apologise for that. Certainly not to a bunch of thin-wallet small-timers like my highly respected England team-mates. But for me the chance to play cricket in North Korea, as well as controlling carefully my media attention and public image throughout the tournament, was too good to miss. Also, Twitter is banned there.
Flunky: And which other players are currently involved in the North Korean Premier Cricket League, Sir Your Magnificence?
KP: Well, no English ones obviously. Over my dead body. In fact, no other players at all. In partnership with the magnificent franchise in North Korea, I am, in fact, the only cricketer in the league, giving me a wonderful opportunity to learn from other amazing cricketers such as me, and test my skills against the best players the world has to offer, such as me.
Flunky: And how does this impact on your availability for England?
KP: Well, I have obviously had to take up North Korean citizenship, but the Dear Leader has been tremendously welcoming, and I have already risen to the rank of Most Glorious General in Charge Of Cricket and Films. However, despite my new national identity, my desire to play for England remains as great as ever. That is why I will continue to live in Chelsea but commute to Korea to play with myself.
Flunky: I'm not sure about that last line, Sir Your Magnificence. It makes you sound like a bit of a tosser.
KP: Nonsense. After this video, nobody will ever be able to say that about me ever again. My glorious future is assured.
All quotes and "facts" in this article are made up, but you knew that already, didn't you?
Alan Tyers has ghost-written a book for Premier League football legend Ronnie Matthews. It is called I Kick Therefore I Am
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