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Pietersen signs for Pakistan

All things considered it's surprising it took so long

Imran Yusuf

Comments: 87 | Text size: A | A
Kevin Pietersen celebrates his majestic hundred, Sri Lanka v England, 2nd Test, Colombo, P Sara Oval, 3rd day, April 5, 2012
And he can even do the Afridi © Getty Images
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Players/Officials: Kevin Pietersen
Teams: Pakistan

In a shocking development, Kevin Pietersen has signed for Pakistan.

Pietersen's move from Surrey to Sialkot is the third eye-catching transfer of the summer, after Robin van Persie became a Manchester United player and Kristen Stewart became single.

At a hastily convened press conference in Lahore, Pietersen was quick to emphasise that his move was not motivated by money. "It's a freedom thing," said the 32-year-old batsman. "There's a flexibility about Pakistan which will suit my style."

Pressed on this point, Pietersen expressed an affinity with the driving habits of his new compatriots. "On the way from the airport to the PCB, I saw SUVs flatten cyclists, I saw sedans cut across three lanes to take a sharp left turn, I saw 17 children in a back seat, I saw a goat stuffed between a married couple on a motorbike. I saw my future here. It's a place you can do what you want."

The talented strokemaker said he hoped to follow an esteemed tradition of middle-order batsmen from the country, listing Zaheer Abbas, Javed Miandad and VVS Laxman as heroes. "Also, I'm just being honest, but my doosra is better than Saeed Ajmal's," Pietersen said in a humble voice.

The addition of such a star figure in the dressing room is bound to spice up an already hot-headed Pakistan team. Does Pietersen want the captaincy? "No, no, no. This is another reason I'll be happier here. In England there was always insecurity from the leader because I was the only ex-captain in the team. In Pakistan there are usually five or six."

Pietersen has also shown a flair for coming out of retirement, further proof this could be a match made in heaven.

Asked if Pakistan's current "wandering" status might put him off his game, Pietersen said he would feel at home not having a home. "I am like modern finance: I am on the move, I go where the action is. People say home is where the heart is and I am a big man with a big heart. It can contain continents."

It is believed that the recent huge growth in Pakistan's telecommunications industry was a major factor in Pietersen's move. Call- and particularly SMS rates are among the lowest in the region, as mobile companies jostle each other in fierce competition to capture the burgeoning market. "Yes, it did play a part," the player admitted. "I flicked the TV on and at least 70% of all the ads were about mobile deals. This is a forward-looking place."

"Also," said Pietersen, "the chairman has assured me there'll be no quota system here. That's why I left South Africa, but here minorities are not given positions in society when they don't deserve it. Actually, it's quite the opposite," he added with a chuckle.

Pietersen also expressed gratitude at the instant hospitality of his new nation. "In the chairman's office I was looking at a map of Pakistan. In the north-west there was a large province called K-P. I pointed at it and said 'Hey!' and the chairman smiled and said the province had recently been renamed. I must say, I have had many welcomes, but nobody has ever named a whole part of a country after me."

There was but one minor note of discord when a reporter asked Pietersen how he intended to play for the Delhi Daredevils in next year's IPL, given that Pakistanis have been given the cold shoulder for the past three seasons. A sudden expression of horror came to his face, as if he had just been told Andy Flower was marrying his sister. Pietersen put one hand over the microphone and whispered frantically into the ear of the PCB official by his side. At this point the power went, a common occurrence in Punjab of late. In the hot, dark silence of that moment, all that could be heard was a strange, orphaned cry, with an accent part Natal, part southern England, part Eurotrash, a haunting voice from everywhere and nowhere, which muttered: "Will the internet still work? I need to get on Twitter."

An unidentified voice replied "No", and, with that the press conference ended and the next great, unpredictable chapter in Kevin Pietersen's career began.

Imran Yusuf is a writer based in Karachi. He tweets at imranistan
All quotes and "facts" here are made up, but you knew that already, didn't you?

Tell us what you think. Send us your feedback

© ESPN Sports Media Ltd.

Comments: 87 
Posted by shanks_sr on (August 29, 2012, 22:18 GMT)

nice one imran. enjoyed reading it

Posted by   on (August 28, 2012, 12:55 GMT)

huh? what was the ponit of writing all this?

Posted by   on (August 28, 2012, 4:44 GMT)

superb writing.....although untrue, bt fun to read!!!!!

Posted by maverick_ind on (August 28, 2012, 4:24 GMT)

hahahaha.... this was absolutely funny imran bhai!!!

Posted by   on (August 27, 2012, 18:04 GMT)

lol...how can some people believe it to be true even if they dont know about page 2???? btw very well written..great satire...

Posted by   on (August 27, 2012, 17:55 GMT)

LOOOL! Really Made My Day! I swear i was on the floor writhing in agony amongst all this my family looking like i had suffered something quite serious. Thanks for this anyway mate :')

Posted by   on (August 27, 2012, 14:37 GMT)

nice one, really made my day

Posted by SagirParkar on (August 27, 2012, 11:47 GMT)

brilliantly conceived and wonderfully written !!! well done Mr Yusuf

Posted by   on (August 27, 2012, 7:54 GMT)

Very well written but not the write place to write. This article should be on any political or economical forum rather than cricinfo. What the logic to discuss any country's political and economical issues on sport forum. I never heard anyone talking about Jamaica's internal issues when Usain Bolt won the marathan in olympics london 2012 or no one talks about Brazil's internal issues when they played well or worse in soccer. How would it feels if Andrew Strauss said in presentation ceremony in recent test series to Graeme Smith "Yes we lost series by 2-0 but we are better we still have better economic than SA and we have less aids patients" lolz get a life man Imran Yousuf

Posted by   on (August 27, 2012, 7:26 GMT)

One of the best news item I have seen recently. Hilarious! The one which talks about naming the province ' K. P' and number of ex captains in Pakistan are gems and finally not playing for Delhi Daredevils are too much to bear - LOL all the way.

Posted by Match-winner on (August 27, 2012, 6:24 GMT)

:) very funny and entertaining, good work!

Posted by VivtheGreatest on (August 27, 2012, 6:23 GMT)

Hilarious article, loved the part about the driving habits which sound exactly the same as those back here in India!!

Posted by   on (August 27, 2012, 6:02 GMT)

one of the best..

It is believed that the recent huge growth in Pakistan's telecommunications industry was a major factor in Pietersen's move. Call- and particularly SMS rates are among the lowest in the region, as mobile companies jostle each other in fierce competition to capture the burgeoning market. "Yes, it did play a part," the player admitted. "I flicked the TV on and at least 70% of all the ads were about mobile deals. This is a forward-looking place."

Posted by   on (August 27, 2012, 5:49 GMT)

Brilliant, absolutely fun to read lol!!

Posted by   on (August 27, 2012, 5:14 GMT)

Gr8 fun reading...

"On the way from the airport to the PCB, I saw SUVs flatten cyclists, I saw sedans cut across three lanes to take a sharp left turn, I saw 17 children in a back seat, I saw a goat stuffed between a married couple on a motorbike. I saw my future here. It's a place you can do what you want."

Posted by   on (August 27, 2012, 5:00 GMT)

Mind blowing,,, I wish He can play for Pakistan!

Posted by   on (August 27, 2012, 4:52 GMT)

one should think before act when they're representing their country what an entertainer to go through n start the week particularly mentioning the SMS tariffs

Posted by   on (August 27, 2012, 3:54 GMT)

YOU really cheated me...... i went throughout it with a big gesture and at last you make me what???? laughing??? crying??? shouting??? silent???? ohhh nooo god..... its almost the combination af this all......... great article, i most learn somethiong from it dear Imran!!

Posted by Ronsars on (August 27, 2012, 3:27 GMT)

Imran very well written u should write more for heavy ball.....Khyber Pakhtunkhwa comparison was brilliant and satire was just right...And for those of my fellow neighbours who thought this is real guys this is Page 2 and Heavy Ball!!!!!

Posted by   on (August 27, 2012, 3:10 GMT)

Sarcasm at its best! hahaha you made my day, Imran Yusuf! :D

Posted by   on (August 26, 2012, 22:31 GMT)

Lol .facts...Nice article............,,,,.

Posted by cricraz on (August 26, 2012, 22:15 GMT)

Imran Yusuf, What brilliant satire? U are one hell of a talented comical writer!! look forward to reading more of your writing.

Posted by   on (August 26, 2012, 22:06 GMT)

lol. very well written...

Posted by   on (August 26, 2012, 21:52 GMT)

What an article...Laxman in Pakistan and Pietersen's Doosra is better then Ajmal's...Lol :-D

Posted by   on (August 26, 2012, 21:24 GMT)

he would be playing 4 pakistan in internarionals or wht ?

Posted by sk12 on (August 26, 2012, 21:05 GMT)

lol clever article.. not to mention the photo and its caption..

Posted by   on (August 26, 2012, 20:23 GMT)

All quotes and "facts" here are made up, but you knew that already, didn't you?

Posted by   on (August 26, 2012, 19:31 GMT)

lol people.. this proves how most ppl never bother to read side lines.. "All quotes and "facts" here are made up, but you knew that already, didn't you? "

Posted by   on (August 26, 2012, 18:39 GMT)

"Also, I'm just being honest, but my doosra is better than Saeed Ajmal's," Pietersen said in a humble voice. ..... cant stop laughing lol.....one of the best i read in along time....

Posted by   on (August 26, 2012, 18:32 GMT)

if he come in pakistani team... middleorder sooo strong.....he is all format player....

Posted by   on (August 26, 2012, 18:24 GMT)

welcome KP to our land :)

Posted by   on (August 26, 2012, 18:21 GMT)

hahahahahahahahahahaha wtf loll :D :D :D jazakaAllah :D

Posted by   on (August 26, 2012, 17:59 GMT)

He named the greats from Pakistan - Zaheer Abbas, Javed Miandad and VVS Laxman. LOL. :D

Posted by   on (August 26, 2012, 17:54 GMT)

Good one, but Laxman from Pakistan?

Posted by dheerajshetty on (August 26, 2012, 17:51 GMT)

great stuff, was laughing all along :)

Posted by   on (August 26, 2012, 17:47 GMT)

I wish that KP does play for Sialkot after reading this! Lol great article! xD

Posted by Kak-mal_Khan on (August 26, 2012, 17:37 GMT)

Very nice article, well thought out and brilliantly played through the whole scenario, you managed to bring all of KP's facets to the fore, loved the grand finale about his twitter use. Unfortunately there is now another issue that you probably realised when writting the article and thought "nah won't happen" but our emotional and naive fellow Pakistani countrymen are taking to the airwaves to announce the arrival of KP and rumours have already begun that he was love child of our beloved Imran Khan, thus allowing him to represent the green nation in all forms of cricket!

Posted by   on (August 26, 2012, 17:28 GMT)

awosme one... "Pressed on this point, Pietersen expressed an affinity with the driving habits of his new compatriots. "On the way from the airport to the PCB, I saw SUVs flatten cyclists, I saw sedans cut across three lanes to take a sharp left turn, I saw 17 children in a back seat, I saw a goat stuffed between a married couple on a motorbike. I saw my future here. It's a place you can do what you want."

Yes its the place you can do what u want.. :)

Posted by   on (August 26, 2012, 17:23 GMT)

17 children in the backseat..................yeah like he was really counting :P come on man stop bluffing the fans!!!!!!!!

Posted by   on (August 26, 2012, 17:18 GMT)

A good Article...i thnk K.P must read it out..!!!:)

Posted by   on (August 26, 2012, 17:15 GMT)

i would love to see him in green shirts... :)

Posted by AncientAstronaut on (August 26, 2012, 17:09 GMT)

Hahaha! Love Page 2 for articles like these. Well done :-D

Posted by   on (August 26, 2012, 17:08 GMT)

really now that explains that anything is possible in pakistan. will just have to watch and see how the ex-captain of england get alongs with the tigers of the pakistani team!!!!!

Posted by PACERONE on (August 26, 2012, 16:39 GMT)

It was just announced that the qualifying period to play for another country has been reduced to missing one test of your former country.this was done to facilitate a quick transfer for KP.Pakistan will shortly be the number one test playing nation. Looks good on Flower and Strauss.

Posted by   on (August 26, 2012, 15:54 GMT)

Excellent Stuff... !!! Both for Pakistan & Pietersen. Hey Indians.. Don't get bog down by this. No wishing "wait and see".. As part of good sportsmanship appreciate the move by both the parties. No politics please...!! HaHaHa..!!

Posted by Rimoy on (August 26, 2012, 15:44 GMT)

good job.................................................................

Posted by Rimoy on (August 26, 2012, 15:25 GMT)

Good time start for KP all the very best we love you all ways

Posted by   on (August 26, 2012, 15:25 GMT)

this is brilliant and hilarious!

Posted by   on (August 26, 2012, 15:18 GMT)

brilliant...excellent satire =D

Posted by   on (August 26, 2012, 15:07 GMT)

Imran Yousuf, you have put an excellent article, I can't stop laughing. Well KP might be thinking the same right now. Top funniest sentences were " A sudden expression of horror came to his face, as if he had just been told Andy Flower was marrying his sister" Second Funniest "In the chairman's office I was looking at a map of Pakistan. In the north-west there was a large province called K-P" Third Funniest " In England there was always insecurity from the leader because I was the only ex-captain in the team. In Pakistan there are usually five or six" Fourth Funniest "I'm just being honest, but my doosra is better than Saeed Ajmal's"

awesome awesome writing......

Posted by   on (August 26, 2012, 14:37 GMT)

The best lines are those for KP and Laxman...

Posted by   on (August 26, 2012, 14:31 GMT)

Hahaha, a province called kp

Posted by AF2199 on (August 26, 2012, 14:16 GMT)

The comments from the people thinking its a real news are much more hilarious than the article itself .... Seriously guys start following Cricinfo regularly .... LOL

Posted by Apocalypsoz on (August 26, 2012, 14:00 GMT)

' "It's a freedom thing," said the 32-year-old batsman. "There's a flexibility about Pakistan which will suit my style." '

You are right Imran.Pakistan is one of the few countries where you can play for the opposite team while in Pakistan's playing 11. This is what KP wanted to do anyway.

Posted by Waqarthelegend on (August 26, 2012, 13:50 GMT)

Pietersen also expressed gratitude at the instant hospitality of his new nation. "In the chairman's office I was looking at a map of Pakistan. In the north-west there was a large province called K-P.

ROFL hahahahahahahahahhahahaha.. :D :D

Posted by   on (August 26, 2012, 13:43 GMT)

great satire Imran. Just great!!! and done very gracefully.

Posted by IdleSpectator on (August 26, 2012, 13:25 GMT)

"Pietersen's move from Surrey to Sialkot is the third eye-catching transfer of the summer, after Robin van Persie became a Manchester United player and Kristen Stewart became single"......... can't stop laughing - Well written Yusuf!

Posted by Raju_Iyer on (August 26, 2012, 13:21 GMT)

Superb satire with excellent understated humor. I am reminded of the late Behram Contractor who wrote under the pseudonym of Busybee for Sportsweek, then Mid Day and finally for his own paper The Afternoon Despatch and Courier. Looking forward to the next gem from Imran Yusuf.

Posted by   on (August 26, 2012, 13:09 GMT)

Dude , this is a joke ... on page 2 ; don't take it seriously ; lol.........

Posted by tim3237 on (August 26, 2012, 13:05 GMT)

@Naveed85 @Abbas_G You ppl's comments are more hilarious than the whole article itself :P

Posted by Fahii on (August 26, 2012, 13:02 GMT)

Imran Yusuf

perfect sense of humour..........nice article well suited.

Posted by   on (August 26, 2012, 12:59 GMT)

Great News from Great Player

Posted by WheresTheEmpire on (August 26, 2012, 12:50 GMT)

Love this Imran. Shouldn't Kevin's next team be Bangladesh? It's much easier to change lion tattoos to tiger ones and then swear undying allegiance.

Posted by   on (August 26, 2012, 12:05 GMT)

:O .. i juz can't say anything.is it realy happening out there ?:O can't believe ..

Posted by ultrasnow on (August 26, 2012, 11:57 GMT)

The comments asking if this is really true are funnier than the article. LOL. The writers deserves to share proceeds from the article with those coming up with these little gems in the comments section from time to time :p

Posted by Naveed85 on (August 26, 2012, 11:52 GMT)

just saw this news on facebook.is this true ? great for pakistan cricket.

Posted by   on (August 26, 2012, 11:50 GMT)

We'll have to wait see how long is this move for ......

Posted by   on (August 26, 2012, 11:46 GMT)

Excellent, Best Cricket satire i have read in a while.

Posted by   on (August 26, 2012, 11:45 GMT)

"Also, I'm just being honest, but my doosra is better than Saeed Ajmal's," Pietersen said in a humble voice. Can't stop laughing

Posted by s.a.91 on (August 26, 2012, 11:18 GMT)

"Also, I'm just being honest, but my doosra is better than Saeed Ajmal's." HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHA!

Posted by   on (August 26, 2012, 11:16 GMT)

Awesome article! this paragraph was the best :) 'In the north-west there was a large province called K-P. I pointed at it and said 'Hey!' and the chairman smiled and said the province had recently been renamed. I must say, I have had many welcomes, but nobody has ever named a whole part of a country after me.'

Posted by 158notout on (August 26, 2012, 10:40 GMT)

Those who take this seriously can be forgiven because where KP is concerned anything is possible. I personally think the best thing for him would be a season of county cricket, no IPL, no Internationals, get Mr. Spaceman back down to earth!

Posted by   on (August 26, 2012, 10:30 GMT)

Unbelievable but this should be awesome.

Posted by land_slide on (August 26, 2012, 9:52 GMT)

seems like some of our friends haven't quite gotten used to the 'idea' of page2...I must say this is an improvement from some of the previous ones :-)

Posted by   on (August 26, 2012, 9:35 GMT)

Absolutely awesome! The match made between Khyber Pakhtunkhwa (K-P) and KP was absolute gem!! loved it!!

Posted by elimomin on (August 26, 2012, 9:31 GMT)

hey, is this true guys ??

Posted by   on (August 26, 2012, 9:22 GMT)

Yeah... next champions league..... Sialkot Stallions!

Posted by   on (August 26, 2012, 9:09 GMT)

England has never gave importance to a Big player Like Kevin Pietersen .. What a Big Big Big Shame for the Team England .. !!!

I think This is one of the biggest reason that despite of the fact that ENGLAND is the creator of this fanatic game but still Unable to win a Single ODI World Cup ...

Posted by   on (August 26, 2012, 9:04 GMT)

Welcome KP, We know world is jealous of us and u as well ;)

Posted by SanatAttavar on (August 26, 2012, 8:51 GMT)

Good one Imram Yusuf....the article is stitched well.....K - P was hilarious - i.e one really has to focus on the funny side of it (being an Indian)

Posted by   on (August 26, 2012, 8:37 GMT)

lol dumb not funny though

Posted by   on (August 26, 2012, 8:35 GMT)

Cheap article... nothing to laugh... don't make mockery of a player of class like this... better see the boards of ECB and Pakistan

Posted by Abbas_G on (August 26, 2012, 8:34 GMT)

Unbelieveable, but he is most wel come in Pakistan, i am afraid he might not like the life style but definatley he would have thought a million times before taking this decesion. I am really shocked and glad too..... KP you are a great player and a great man too....... Best of luck always.....

Posted by   on (August 26, 2012, 8:31 GMT)

Seriusly, Is All That is True ^^ Is he Going to Play For Pakistan

Posted by rahulcricket007 on (August 26, 2012, 8:22 GMT)

LOLZ . HILARIOUS ARTICLE .

Posted by   on (August 26, 2012, 7:48 GMT)

HaHaHa Thats high class stuff. Looks like Zaltzman finally finds some competition.

Posted by   on (August 26, 2012, 7:46 GMT)

What a shocker .......Modern day cricket ........... a shame for england .......

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