The Heavy Ball

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Play the KP punditry game

Sit in front of the telly during the World Twenty20 and start scoring

Alan Tyers

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Kevin Pietersen remains under pressure to turn around his poor form, Dubai, February 17, 2012
"Shout-out to my friend Henry Gayle" - two points © Getty Images
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Players/Officials: Kevin Pietersen
Teams: England

With the news that KP has a punditry gig for the World Twenty20, we look forward to his stints in the analyst chair, and you can enhance your enjoyment by playing along at home. Tot up the points, and the player with most points wins an England central contract.

Kevin is asked his opinion about an England colleague. You learn a colourful new Afrikaans swearword - two points

Who would have thought a simple word like "gap" or "sausage" could be applied so effectively by those clever Boers? - two points

Kevin is asked if he has any insights into weaknesses of England team and nods enthusiastically - one point

"Look, buddy…" beings his reply - two points

Brief delay in Kevin's reply while he texts some of these weaknesses to various international captains - two points

Twenty-five minutes later, Kevin is coming to the end of his explanation about some of the weaknesses of the England team - five points

Wait, there's more - ten points

Kevin has prepared a short home-produced video presentation which he would like to share with his beloved audience - one point

Add one point for sponsors' logos carefully positioned in frame - up to 24 points

Piers Morgan seems to be operating the camera - one point

Kevin mentions how brilliant the Delhi Daredevils are - one point (maximum 147 points)

Kevin appears to be involved in a falling-out with the other commemorators - five points

Kevin demands to know if he's not being given enough on-mike opportunities due to some sort of quota system - ten points

Kevin leaves and joins a rival TV station - ten points

Kevin attempts to have producer and director at his new job fired - ten points

Kevin now attempting qualification period with the BBC - turn off TV and game over.

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All quotes and "facts" in this article are made up, but you knew that already, didn't you?

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Comments: 5 
Posted by TheCricketLady on (August 30, 2012, 14:53 GMT)

Lol I laughed all the way through and the hardest at the last bits :D Brilliant stuff Alan! Best lot of the KP jokes I've read up on so far this week.

Posted by Adeel9 on (August 28, 2012, 9:33 GMT)

Lol, Kevin joins rival TV station and attempts to get the producer and director fired. Too good

Posted by KingOwl on (August 28, 2012, 2:24 GMT)

'Kevin attempting qualification period with BBC'? What does this imply? Is KP changing country, AGAIN? I would love that. Pity the captain (and coach) of that new country, though!

Posted by   on (August 27, 2012, 15:48 GMT)

Fall out with other commentators lol Good one Alan

Posted by pratit on (August 27, 2012, 12:42 GMT)

Hilarious.... Can't remember how many jokes on KP I have seen in the last few days. Too many.

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Alan Tyers
Alan Tyers writes about sport for the Daily Telegraph and others. He is the author of six books published by Bloomsbury, all of them with pictures by the brilliant illustrator Beach. The most recent is Tutenkhamen's Tracksuit: The History of Sport in 100ish Objects. Alan is one of many weak links in the world's worst cricket team, the Twenty Minuters.

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Alan TyersClose
Alan Tyers writes about sport for the Daily Telegraph and others. He is the author of six books published by Bloomsbury, all of them with pictures by the brilliant illustrator Beach. The most recent is Tutenkhamen's Tracksuit: The History of Sport in 100ish Objects. Alan is one of many weak links in the world's worst cricket team, the Twenty Minuters.
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