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Behind the scenes at England's India defeat post-mortem

Behind the scenes at England's India defeat post-mortem

Alan Tyers

Comments: 43 | Text size: A | A
Stuart Broad was among the England bowlers to suffer, England v India, World Twenty20, Group A, Colombo
On top of everything else, the defeat messed up Stuart Broad's coiffure © Getty Images
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"Gather round, lads," said Stuart Broad. "Let's have a session of positives-taking and then see if we can't concentrate on our momentum."

Reluctantly, players put down their PlayStation controllers and stopped tweeting. Tim Bresnan picked listlessly at a Heinz All-Day Breakfast in a Can, one of 144 that he had brought over from home. The food in these subcontinental countries could be as dodgy as the spinners. The chef in the hotel hadn't even heard of Branston Pickle when he'd asked for some on his king prawn curry yesterday. Bresnan wondered if the bloke was even a real chef at all.

"So where did we go wrong?" asked Broad. "Why did our plan of blocking the first five and then closing our eyes and swinging hard at the sixth one fail to execute despite our focusing and preparationing?"

"It's Kevin Pietersen's fault," said Graeme Swann. There was a murmur of agreement.

"It so totally is," said Steve Finn. "Apparently Kevin's cousin is seeing this girl who knows a boy who was talking to this girl in Nando's, and she like said, 'Oh my God, Kevin thinks that we are all really bad at playing spin', and apparently Kevin said that Morgs was, like, a really massive slag, and he probably, like, told Harbhajan how to bowl us out by talking to him on Facebook."

"I am totally going to defriend him on Facebook," said Bresnan.

"Seriously, like me too?" said Broad. "Like, to show leadership?"

"And he totally said that Samit was fat," said Finn.

Samit Patel waved a chicken leg around angrily.

"As official team banterologist I can definitely say that Kevin's bants went beyond the acceptable level of bants on recent occasions," said Swann. "We're better off without him in all three key departments of top-level cricket: Twitter, team spirit and banter."

"The important thing, though, is that now we are all united as one and the spirit in the dressing room among the lads couldn't be better," said Broad.

"Although we do keep losing all the cricket matches," said Patel.

Broad shook his head sadly. Sometimes he wondered if Samit really got the whole team-spirit thing at all. Perhaps it was time for some tactical tweeting, which he would obviously have nothing to do with whatsoever.

RSS FeedAlan has ghost-written a book for Premier League legend Ronnie Matthews. It is called I Kick Therefore I Am.
All quotes and "facts" in this article are made up, but you knew that already, didn't you?

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Comments: 43 
Posted by Adeel9 on (September 26, 2012, 18:38 GMT)

This article was like, totally spot on. Like, nailed it!

Posted by alexus1318 on (September 26, 2012, 11:06 GMT)

as an england fan i desperately hope that stateside steve is correct but i feel about 99.998% sure he is wrong haha

nice article

Posted by RJ1995 on (September 25, 2012, 7:47 GMT)

@Stateside_Steve you better keep ur xcuses ready for november...................... anyways the article was rather funny and not far from true

Posted by bluefunk on (September 25, 2012, 7:02 GMT)

The self-deprecating Englishman is the best sort of Englishman. Looking forward to hosting you all this November :)

Posted by   on (September 25, 2012, 5:40 GMT)

Hilarious! :D cudnt stop laughing!!

Posted by MasterClass on (September 25, 2012, 4:20 GMT)

This is s hilarious and not too far from the truth unfortunately! LOL.

Posted by   on (September 25, 2012, 4:15 GMT)

the comment from MR.Stateside_Steve is more hilarious than the entire article. :)

Posted by   on (September 25, 2012, 3:58 GMT)

stuart is still a young lad i believe kp should be england t20 captain and england can try Azhar Mehmood because he can give more strength to enlish team

Posted by   on (September 25, 2012, 3:24 GMT)

totally agreed..its all KP's fault..lol

Posted by Sunman81 on (September 25, 2012, 3:14 GMT)

Why Andy Flower didn't participate in this discussion? :-)

Posted by   on (September 24, 2012, 22:34 GMT)

I believe Delhi Daredevils will benefit the most as KP is likely to be available for the entire IPL season next year.

Posted by   on (September 24, 2012, 21:07 GMT)

England's best batsman is twidling his tongue and giving expert comments.....god knows when they will take their head out of their rear.....

Posted by Stateside_Steve on (September 24, 2012, 20:56 GMT)

This is actually a classic Trojan horse of a game setup by Andy Flower. In this meaningless game he made MSD/Fletcher believe that England are inept against spin bowling. Behind the scenes both Flower and Gooch have taught everything about playing spin bowling. Come November India will be rudely awakened when they see English batsmen play like zaheer Abbass/ G vishwanath against their spin bowling.

Posted by MohsinBallack on (September 24, 2012, 20:22 GMT)

Thats Nothing To Worry About English Team They Will Be On Semi,s I Am Sure With South africa Pakistan And Sri Lanka Look At The Pitch Eng Vs India Match Played English Team Not Read The Pitch Well If Ajmal Got This Pitch I Have No Doubt He Take All Wicket Alone

Posted by   on (September 24, 2012, 19:48 GMT)

Good one Alan. I wonder what Andy Flower was thinking!

Posted by morlichini on (September 24, 2012, 18:18 GMT)

Haha brilliant!! even as an england fan i just can't stop laughing!

Posted by   on (September 24, 2012, 16:53 GMT)

Yeah, I hear KP is great with left arm spinners.

Fun post, though!

Posted by JShells88 on (September 24, 2012, 16:16 GMT)

Hahahahahah! Brilliant. Patel's descriptions are hilarious

Posted by TheGame666able on (September 24, 2012, 16:06 GMT)

One of the most hilarious articles on cricinfo!

Posted by iHitWicket on (September 24, 2012, 15:27 GMT)

ha ha haa ... KP would have done loads of good for this team but not in the 3 vital dept's (Twitter, team spirit and banter) mentioned though. Swann and Board have them pretty much covered :P ITS a SHAME England, to keep your best player out of the team. WAKE UP PLS.

Posted by   on (September 24, 2012, 14:55 GMT)

Wow! What a masterpiece!!! Absolutely fantastic read... England can feel proud and be happy about dressing room unity now. Great job Alan :)

Posted by   on (September 24, 2012, 14:50 GMT)

don't make KEVIN as scape goat in this matter its a known fact that england is worst in facing spin bowling unfortunately last time england won t20 due to kevin

"with out kevin no chance of england win "

kevin should be back to team

Posted by   on (September 24, 2012, 13:24 GMT)

LOL! Very funny. I like sarcasm. Hope england team (including KP) and Harbhajan takes it easy and have laugh at it. :D

Posted by bilalqureshi7232 on (September 24, 2012, 13:03 GMT)

You Are a Gem man... what an article

Posted by CricketIsnotlife on (September 24, 2012, 13:00 GMT)

The most hilarious and to the point I have read in this section. Congrats to the writer.

Posted by multipack on (September 24, 2012, 12:31 GMT)

quality mirth. kudos to mister tyers, his page 2 contributions are always worth a read.

Posted by   on (September 24, 2012, 11:47 GMT)

lol..... brilliant piece!

Posted by Rakshit on (September 24, 2012, 11:37 GMT)

Fantabulous Article.. PlayStation to Chicken leg.. Hilarious..

Posted by concerned_cricketer on (September 24, 2012, 11:23 GMT)

LOL! Hahaha. Brilliant one.

Posted by   on (September 24, 2012, 11:07 GMT)

Brilliant.... Almost made me forget our woeful performance!!

Posted by Sumeet.Gupta on (September 24, 2012, 11:04 GMT)

Awesome stuff....absolutely hilarious. Blame Kevin "Who" for everything!

Posted by Munkeymomo on (September 24, 2012, 10:52 GMT)

@madusa13: This is a piece of satire, nobody is making KP a scapegoat. As for the suggestion that England don't deserve the number one ranking in T20s, their record in the last 3 years says otherwise, and that's quite an immature comment to make. I'd suggest you need to grow up.

Posted by   on (September 24, 2012, 10:14 GMT)

LOLMAXX...loved dat greame swann part... "We're better off without him in all three key departments of top-level cricket: Twitter, team spirit and banter." can't stop laughing...

Posted by   on (September 24, 2012, 8:47 GMT)

stop blaming kevin peterson KP wants to play t20 but due to england cricket board attitude , he is not in the team, miss u kp!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted by Jack_Tka on (September 24, 2012, 8:34 GMT)

"he probably, like, told Harbhajan how to bowl us out by talking to him on Facebook." Ha Ha Ha!!! Hilarious.

Posted by ShaggyKhan on (September 24, 2012, 8:27 GMT)

Lol one word. BRILLIANT!!!

Posted by santokh on (September 24, 2012, 7:59 GMT)

hilarious. love it, all KP's fault lol

Posted by SanSL5 on (September 24, 2012, 7:05 GMT)

Genius!

Posted by   on (September 24, 2012, 6:56 GMT)

hahahahah.....Best ever.....lol...I cannot stop laughing after reading this...Its so funny but its so true they cannot win any matches without Kevin.:)

Posted by   on (September 24, 2012, 6:35 GMT)

lolz..wat an excuse mama..

Posted by   on (September 24, 2012, 6:29 GMT)

Awesome article! This was hilarious.. especially the last two sentences!

Posted by madasu13 on (September 24, 2012, 6:20 GMT)

Lol.......Finally everyone is making KP as a scape-Goat......Grow up english buddies...It's time to heal ur wounds......and boost ua confidence...at last,u ppl don't deserve NO1 in T-20's....!!

Posted by   on (September 24, 2012, 6:14 GMT)

lol, funny.. I liked "all three key departments of top-level cricket: Twitter, team spirit and banter." the best!

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Alan Tyers
Alan Tyers writes about sport for the Daily Telegraph and others. He is the author of six books published by Bloomsbury, all of them with pictures by the brilliant illustrator Beach. The most recent is Tutenkhamen's Tracksuit: The History of Sport in 100ish Objects. Alan is one of many weak links in the world's worst cricket team, the Twenty Minuters.

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Alan TyersClose
Alan Tyers Alan Tyers writes about sport for the Daily Telegraph and others. He is the author of six books published by Bloomsbury, all of them with pictures by the brilliant illustrator Beach. The most recent is Tutenkhamen's Tracksuit: The History of Sport in 100ish Objects. Alan is one of many weak links in the world's worst cricket team, the Twenty Minuters.
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