The Heavy Ball

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What India said

Our ace correspondent reveals the talk on the field during India's last match of the World Twenty20

Sidin Vadukut

Comments: 33 | Text size: A | A
Virat Kohli is dejected after India failed to make the semi-finals, India v South Africa, Super Eights, World Twenty20, Colombo, October 2, 2012
The only time Virat Kohli is not hot and bothered about the match is when he is made to sit on the ice box © ICC/Getty
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Exclusive: In an international first, renowned ESPNcricinfo columnist and well-known male model Sidin Vadukut employed an experienced lip reader to carefully monitor conversations between Indian players during their match against South Africa in the Super Eights of the World Twenty20, in the course of which India established their superiority over the… cough, cough, racking cough from blocked air passage… South Africans.

Shortly before the innings commenced
Balaji: MS! If you want, I can open the innings with a burst of explosive bowling…
Dhoni and Raina and Yuvraj and Rohit and Gambhir: Ha ha ha ha ha ha
Sehwag: Good idea, Balaji.
Harsha: Rift in the team?
Virat: *Expletive*

After third over, shortly before Pathan took Kallis' wicket
Virat: Come on, boys! Come on, boys! We can do this! We can qualify for the semis *expletive*!…
Dhoni: Yes boys! Come on! Even if it looks highly unlikely that we will qualify, what with that rain during the Australia game that basically stole our chances away from us, we must still strive...

Immediately after Kallis' wicket
Sehwag: I think I have hurt my ankle and should leave the pitch now. I am going to go and take some physiotherapy in Chris Gayle's room.
Ashwin: This is why I am always saying that it is best to not run unless absolutely necessary.

After seventh over
Rohit to Dhoni: MS, this might be the right time to let one of our young, talented part-time bowlers rattle the Saffers with a quick wicket through some talented bowling with high potential…
Dhoni: Yuvraj?
Rohit: No.
Dhoni: Virat?
Rohit: No. Someone with talent and potential.
Dhoni: You want to bowl?
Rohit: If you insist…

After eighth over
Virat: *Expletive* Rohit *expletive* *expletive* *Quite possibly an expletive but does not seem physically possible*

Moments after Yuvraj takes du Plessis' wicket
Triumphant Yuvraj running towards square leg: *Animal roar*
Raina: *Animal roar*
Yuvraj running away from square leg: *Expletive*

During the 13th over
Dhoni: Everyone stay back to prevent the boundaries.
Ashwin: But we should be bringing in the field to prevent singles and keep the pressure on…
Dhoni: Sorry, Ashwin, I didn't hear that clearly. You were saying that I should bring King in the field to cement singles and…
Ashwin: Ha ha ha ha. Ayyo MS! Ha ha ha. I was saying that this field setting is perfect…

After Duminy sweeps to midwicket in the 14th over
Raina: Come on, Zaheer, run Zaheer, come on, come on, restrict them to one, come on, restrict them to… come on, yaar, come on, come on, come on…
Zaheer: One second.

Before the 15th over
Rohit: MS, if you ask me how I would use my talent and potential in this particular cricketing scenario…
Dhoni: Virat!
Virat: *Expletive* Rohit *expletive*
Dhoni: Thanks, Virat.

During the 17th over just after South Africa overtakes India's total of 121 runs
Tendulkar: This is very disappointing…
Pathan: Who said that?
Ashwin: But he is not here, then how is this possible??
Balaji: He is everywhere…
Virat: *Expletive*

After fifth ball of 20th over, when Balaji bowled Morne Morkel
Balaji: This is Spartaaaaaaaa…
Ashwin: *Expletive*
Pathan: *Expletive*
Gambhir: *Expletive*
Rohit: *Expletive*
Yuvraj: *Expletive*
Raina: *Expletive*
Virat: What a terribly disconsolate state of affairs this is...

Sidin Vadukut is a columnist and editor with Mint, and the author of the Dork trilogy. Who Let the Dork Out? releases in October

Tell us what you think. Send us your feedback

© ESPN Sports Media Ltd.

Comments: 33 
Posted by   on (October 8, 2012, 13:12 GMT)

Hilarious! navvaleka chachha

Posted by   on (October 8, 2012, 12:21 GMT)

That Tendulkar one was just 'superb' !!!

Posted by themasterhimself on (October 8, 2012, 7:55 GMT)

Meh. Too commercial for Sidin.

Posted by KishorKumar25 on (October 8, 2012, 7:54 GMT)

Hahahahahha Helarious.... hahahahah

Posted by Sunman81 on (October 8, 2012, 7:11 GMT)

lol...good one... of the comment which ask for sacking Dhoni is even more funnier that the original article.. amazing why many ppl are not realizing this is page2...

Posted by Rakshit on (October 8, 2012, 6:27 GMT)

Brilliant.. Hilarious.. OMG.. LOL.. No words to describe.. :-)

Posted by   on (October 8, 2012, 4:34 GMT)

this is spartaaaa haha. very well written, true talent for the funnies mate

Posted by   on (October 8, 2012, 3:20 GMT)

reading this was more painful than watching the match..

Posted by   on (October 8, 2012, 3:15 GMT)

Loved it.... Wonder if this could be used for the Pakistani team :)

Posted by Unmesh_cric on (October 8, 2012, 0:19 GMT)

Absolutely hilarious!!!!!!

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Sidin Vadukut
Sidin Vadukut has been writing extensively about cricket since he started writing this column for ESPNcricinfo. He comes from a family of footballers, who all nurture virulent hate for cricket in general and Basit Ali in particular. Vadukut is the author of the Dork trilogy of office-culture humour novels. By day he is a columnist and editor with business daily Mint. At night, depending on when he gets off work, he goes home or fights crime. His favourite cricketer is Saeed Anwar. By which he means Sachin Tendulkar. Jai Hind.

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Sidin VadukutClose
Sidin Vadukut has been writing extensively about cricket since he started writing this column for ESPNcricinfo. He comes from a family of footballers, who all nurture virulent hate for cricket in general and Basit Ali in particular. Vadukut is the author of the Dork trilogy of office-culture humour novels. By day he is a columnist and editor with business daily Mint. At night, depending on when he gets off work, he goes home or fights crime. His favourite cricketer is Saeed Anwar. By which he means Sachin Tendulkar. Jai Hind.
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