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How to get over your hang-ups and back into the England side

A new course for top-class cricketers all over the world

Sidin Vadukut

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Alastair Cook and Kevin Pietersen have a chat, Mumbai A v England XI, Tour match, 1st day, Mumbai, November 3, 2012
Tea is not only an aromatic beverage, it assists in the rehabilitation of the wayward in English society © Getty Images
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Players/Officials: Kevin Pietersen
Teams: England

Excellent Tutorials (Chennai) takes great pleasure in announcing its latest intensive career-oriented course for aspiring, top-class school students all over the world. Starting next month all branches of our esteemed institution across the nation will offer:

Target: ECTR (English Cricket Team Reintegration).

Target: ECTR will be an intensive 12-day residential programme to help students who are Key Performers (KPs) but who have fallen out with the English cricket administrators. The course is designed to help KPs of any nationality ease their way back into the English cricketing establishment. This reintegration will be carried out through a three-phase programme, as described below:

Phase 1 - Re-anglification: This will involve several exercises to ease the KP back into the English milieu. At the end of this phase, the KP will once again know what it means to be English.

Phase 2 - Re-athletisation: In this second phase the KP, now suitably anglicised, will be gently reminded of what it means to be an English sportsperson. Moderate physical activity.

Phase 3 - Re-cricketification: In this crucial final phase the KP, now feeling both English and athletic, will be taught the finer points of being an English cricketer. Steep learning curve expected.

For the benefit of prospective KPs we are hereby outlining a tentative 12-day schedule for Target: ECTR. Please note that this schedule is susceptible to change. A final schedule will be released closer to course commencement.

Re-anglification

Day 1: Ritual burning of replica South African passports. This will be followed by time for quiet contemplation. Inspiring day trip to Buckingham Palace. (Postponed due to rain.)

Day 2: Classroom sessions begin:
a. Overview of English history. (60 minutes, Professor Shah)
b. Great military achievements. (60 minutes, Dr. Krauthammer)
c. Binge drinking. (120 minutes, Lecturer TBD [Prince Harry?])
d. Appreciating the National Health Service: as required.

Day 3: Full-day workshop on Daylight Savings Time. Will start at 8.00 / 9.00am sharp.

Day 4: Exam. Sample questions:
a. Listen to this audio clip of two people speaking in Welsh. Now play it backwards. Spot the difference. (five marks)
b. Olympics 2012 Closing Ceremony. Explain. (24 marks)

Re-athletisation

Day 5: Physical evaluation day. Will include full-body check-up. Particular emphasis on physical attributes required for all popular English sports: standing, waiting, running off field due to rain interruption, running back on to field after rain interruption, rolling things, penalty shootout.

Day 6: Classroom sessions:
a. English sporting inventions (Half-day. Assorted lecturers)
b. English sporting victories-cum-tea break (15 minutes)
c. Cycling: The greatest sport of them all (Bradley Wiggins)
OR Rowing: The greatest sport of them all (Steve Redgrave)
OR Darts: A pretty good sport that is not at all embarrassing. (Phil Taylor)

Day 7: Sports psychology workshop. Lectures on the sporting mind by eminent English sportspeople:
a. "Being Awesome", by Geoffrey Boycott
b. "Fifa 1966: How I Made History", by John Terry
c. "English Till Further Notice", by Andy Murray

Day 8: Comprehensive sports exam. Evaluation to be held at a prominent English sporting venue. (Postponed due to rain.)

Re-cricketification

Day 9: Full-day workshop at Lord's Cricket Ground on basic cricketing skills for KPs: fielding, batting, bowling, hairdressing.

Day 10: Classroom sessions on a wide variety of cricketing topics by senior members of the Marylebone Cricket Club:
a. "IPL: The Greatest Challenge to Modern Cricket"
b. "The Greatest Challenge to Modern Cricket? IPL!"
c. "How to Deal With the IPL Challenge"
d. "Being Awesome", by Geoffrey Boycott
e. "Let Us Not Forget How the IPL Is Shit"

Day 11: Ashes Day: A full-day programme dedicated to the history of this great Anglo-Australian rivalry. Followed by character-building exercise: field trip to Australian embassy and prolonged interactions with Australians. Counsellors will be available post-interaction.

Day 12: Graduation ceremony and resumption of international cricketing career.

Target: ECTR is now open for pre-booking.

Sidin Vadukut is a columnist and editor with Mint, and the author of the Dork trilogy. Who Let the Dork Out? releases in October

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Comments: 1 
Posted by   on (November 6, 2012, 10:24 GMT)

Wonderful, simply wonderful

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Sidin Vadukut
Sidin Vadukut has been writing extensively about cricket since he started writing this column for ESPNcricinfo. He comes from a family of footballers, who all nurture virulent hate for cricket in general and Basit Ali in particular. Vadukut is the author of the Dork trilogy of office-culture humour novels. By day he is a columnist and editor with business daily Mint. At night, depending on when he gets off work, he goes home or fights crime. His favourite cricketer is Saeed Anwar. By which he means Sachin Tendulkar. Jai Hind.

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Sidin VadukutClose
Sidin Vadukut has been writing extensively about cricket since he started writing this column for ESPNcricinfo. He comes from a family of footballers, who all nurture virulent hate for cricket in general and Basit Ali in particular. Vadukut is the author of the Dork trilogy of office-culture humour novels. By day he is a columnist and editor with business daily Mint. At night, depending on when he gets off work, he goes home or fights crime. His favourite cricketer is Saeed Anwar. By which he means Sachin Tendulkar. Jai Hind.
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