This, that and the other. Mostly the other
The top brains in Australian cricket have pulled off yet another magnificent espionage and intelligence-gathering coup, compiling a "dossier" on their South African opponents that will shock and stun cricket fans around the world. Here are some of the explosive highlights of this radical document.
Is the captain of the Test match side. But interestingly, not of the one-day side. We should look out for him making decisions and being in charge during the Tests but not so much in the ODIs. Likes to hit the ball. May be vulnerable to 95mph inswinging yorker.
Is a Test opening batsman. Look to get him out bowled, caught or lbw. Finds batting harder against good bowling. Might not enjoy being repeatedly hit in the mouth by bumpers.
A simply outstanding allrounder. This means he is outstanding at batting and also outstanding at bowling. His fielding is also outstanding. Vital to stop him scoring too many runs or taking a lot of wickets. May find it less easy to score off 105mph legcutters.
A quality individual as well as a quality player. Doesn't drink alcohol, so might be mentally weak.
AB de Villiers
Very talented batsman who likes to hit the ball but cannot score runs if he is not hitting the ball. We should look to bowl balls that he does not hit. Also wicketkeeps but has not, as yet, been able to keep wicket while batting. Look to exploit this weakness in his game.
Has same first name as Jacques Kallis but is not as outstanding. Does not like to hit ball.
One of those players who makes you go "Aw, strewth why has he not got a proper fair-dinkum first name instead of just initials?" Can hit the ball on both off side and leg side. Ways to get him out could include caught, bowled, leg before wicket (lbw), run out, stumped, hit-wicket , handled the ball, hit the ball twice, obstructing the field and timed out.
Fast bowler. Can bowl it very fast. Is right-handed. Reports suggest he can swing ball and bowl bouncers. Is less tall than widely assumed. Obvious weakness is his batting.
Fast bowler. Can bowl it very fast. Is right-handed. Interestingly, is taller than Dale Steyn. Nickname is Big Morne Morkel because he is big and his name is Morne Morkel. May not get wickets if we can avoid getting out to him.
Another fast bowler, although not as fast as Big Morne Morkel and Less Big Than You Might Assume Dale Steyn. Enjoys taking wickets. Keep him bowling without taking wickets. He may not enjoy bowling as much if he is bowling and not taking any wickets.
Total no-hoper who we should crush physically, mentally and cricketingly.
BURN AFTER READING - FROM THE CRICKETING INTELLIGENCE AGENCY AT LANGER-LY
Alan Tyers' new book is called Who Moved My Stilton? - The Victorian Guide to Getting Ahead in Business
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