The Heavy Ball

This, that and the other. Mostly the other

That Australian dossier on South Africa in full

Wondering what insights and strategy the precious document contains? Wonder no more

Alan Tyers

Comments: 12 | Text size: A | A
Hashim Amla hits Nathan Lyon for six, Australia v South Africa, 1st Test, Brisbane, 1st day, November 9, 2012
Hashim Amla: due a run of poor scores on account of having made a triple-century this year © Getty Images
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The top brains in Australian cricket have pulled off yet another magnificent espionage and intelligence-gathering coup, compiling a "dossier" on their South African opponents that will shock and stun cricket fans around the world. Here are some of the explosive highlights of this radical document.

Graeme Smith
Is the captain of the Test match side. But interestingly, not of the one-day side. We should look out for him making decisions and being in charge during the Tests but not so much in the ODIs. Likes to hit the ball. May be vulnerable to 95mph inswinging yorker.

Alviro Petersen
Is a Test opening batsman. Look to get him out bowled, caught or lbw. Finds batting harder against good bowling. Might not enjoy being repeatedly hit in the mouth by bumpers.

Jacques Kallis
A simply outstanding allrounder. This means he is outstanding at batting and also outstanding at bowling. His fielding is also outstanding. Vital to stop him scoring too many runs or taking a lot of wickets. May find it less easy to score off 105mph legcutters.

Hashim Amla
A quality individual as well as a quality player. Doesn't drink alcohol, so might be mentally weak.

AB de Villiers
Very talented batsman who likes to hit the ball but cannot score runs if he is not hitting the ball. We should look to bowl balls that he does not hit. Also wicketkeeps but has not, as yet, been able to keep wicket while batting. Look to exploit this weakness in his game.

Jacques Rudolph
Has same first name as Jacques Kallis but is not as outstanding. Does not like to hit ball.

JP Duminy
One of those players who makes you go "Aw, strewth why has he not got a proper fair-dinkum first name instead of just initials?" Can hit the ball on both off side and leg side. Ways to get him out could include caught, bowled, leg before wicket (lbw), run out, stumped, hit-wicket , handled the ball, hit the ball twice, obstructing the field and timed out.

Dale Steyn
Fast bowler. Can bowl it very fast. Is right-handed. Reports suggest he can swing ball and bowl bouncers. Is less tall than widely assumed. Obvious weakness is his batting.

Morne Morkel
Fast bowler. Can bowl it very fast. Is right-handed. Interestingly, is taller than Dale Steyn. Nickname is Big Morne Morkel because he is big and his name is Morne Morkel. May not get wickets if we can avoid getting out to him.

Vernon Philander
Another fast bowler, although not as fast as Big Morne Morkel and Less Big Than You Might Assume Dale Steyn. Enjoys taking wickets. Keep him bowling without taking wickets. He may not enjoy bowling as much if he is bowling and not taking any wickets.

Imran Tahir
Total no-hoper who we should crush physically, mentally and cricketingly.

BURN AFTER READING - FROM THE CRICKETING INTELLIGENCE AGENCY AT LANGER-LY

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Comments: 12 
Posted by Hammond on (November 11, 2012, 8:34 GMT)

Spot on. Fantastic. And even such an excelled expose hasn't helped Australia one whit so far this test match.

Posted by akheel_aa on (November 9, 2012, 16:45 GMT)

Classics: " 1. A simply outstanding allrounder. This means he is outstanding at batting and also outstanding at bowling. His fielding is also outstanding." 2. Nickname is Big Morne Morkel because he is big and his name is Morne Morkel.

Keep them coming. :-)

Posted by   on (November 9, 2012, 15:44 GMT)

Hahahahaha!!!!!!! Thats one Hell of a Article!!!Sarcasm and Wittiness at its best!!! Thumbs Up!!! :-)

Posted by   on (November 9, 2012, 15:35 GMT)

From the English Dozier>

1. Gambhir: Don't bounce. Don't York. Just keep on swinging; mostly outsingers, occasional inswingers. He may hit a few to the cow corner, but sooner than later, he will poke one into the slip's hands, or play an inswinger on to the stumps.

Posted by   on (November 9, 2012, 15:34 GMT)

2. Veeru. Just bounce, bounce & bounce. Make him upper-cut. He will hit afew for sixers. But sure enough one of those hits will have the elevation, but not the distance. Keep a fielder at deep point who can run any direction, to grab it both the hands.

Posted by   on (November 9, 2012, 15:34 GMT)

3. Pujara: Another wall. You want to buy; he doesn't sell. Wait for a mistake.

Posted by   on (November 9, 2012, 15:33 GMT)

4. Sachin: Stump to stump; that's the 'mantra'. Don't give width. Cramp for space. Will give you 'lbw' or the stump. Preferably use a rookie, like Meaker. Have weakness for rookies.

Posted by   on (November 9, 2012, 15:31 GMT)

8-11. If you get the top 7 fast, the rest will hopefully follow. But keep an eye in Ashwin. Make him get involved in a run-out, preferably himself; getting his partner out is only a second c

Posted by   on (November 9, 2012, 11:24 GMT)

hilarious................

Posted by surly on (November 9, 2012, 9:25 GMT)

"Doesn't drink alcohol, so might be mentally weak." Absolutely hilarious, almost made me cry with laughter

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Alan Tyers
Alan Tyers writes about sport for the Daily Telegraph and others. He is the author of six books published by Bloomsbury, all of them with pictures by the brilliant illustrator Beach. The most recent is Tutenkhamen's Tracksuit: The History of Sport in 100ish Objects. Alan is one of many weak links in the world's worst cricket team, the Twenty Minuters.

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Alan Tyers Alan Tyers writes about sport for the Daily Telegraph and others. He is the author of six books published by Bloomsbury, all of them with pictures by the brilliant illustrator Beach. The most recent is Tutenkhamen's Tracksuit: The History of Sport in 100ish Objects. Alan is one of many weak links in the world's worst cricket team, the Twenty Minuters.
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