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Bradley Mitchell (Australia)
Exciting but raw young quick who has played just four first-class games. Swings it both ways but has been troubled by injuries.
Mitchell Bradley (Australia)
Exciting but raw young quick who has never actually played a cricket match. Swings it both ways but has been troubled by being in full body plaster cast for 18 months.
Madley Britchell (Australia)
Exciting but raw young foetus who has yet to be born. Potential to swing it both ways but has been troubled by being incredibly fragile and the size of a pea.
Madge Bishop (Australia)
Exciting but raw soap opera character. Has been troubled by being dead since 2001, but still regarded as most physically durable pace bowling option open to Australia.
Ted Cowdrey-May (England)
English batsman with impeccable pedigree, having been grown in a genetics laboratory from the DNA of 1950s legends. Widely tipped to pass 1000 questions about his famous relatives by the end of May.
Arkwright Grimthorpe (England)
Nuggety Yorkshire opening batsman hand-reared by Sir Geoffrey Boycott. Enjoys occupying the crease, oiling his thigh pad, leaving the ball. On course to pass 1000 minutes at the crease before scoring first run.
Jewel Van Der Botha (England)
Exciting Krugersdorp-born quick who makes up for girl's name with reverse-swinging yorkers, tattoos. Recently introduced to Andy Flower in the duty-free at Heathrow airport. Expected to pass 1000 questions on UK Citizenship Test by end of May.
Ross Vincent (New Zealand)
Regarded as safe pair of hands to sort out crisis in New Zealand cricket, Vincent is a safe pair of hands in a tight spot and has a safe pair of hands in the slips. He enjoys long walks, spending time with friends and family, and a really funny thing once happened to him when he was batting and he nearly forgot to put his gloves on before he walked out, although he remembered just in time. Regarded as the most exciting thing to happen to New Zealand cricket since the discovery of wood, he is a safe pair of hands to put bums on seats and get the turnstiles clicking again for Kiwi cricket.
Kumar Dev (India)
Exciting batting talent who hits a long ball in the IPL and, although yet to play a Test, is already worth $10 million as face of Pepsi India. Has a weakness against the short ball, tending to turn his back on it too quickly.
Dev Kumar (India)
Exciting batting talent who hits a long ball in the IPL and, although not too sure what a Test match might actually be, is already worth $47 million as face (and overweight body) of McDonalds India. Has a weakness against the short ball, tending to turn his back on it and run away screaming to the pavilion.
Sunil Gavaskar (India)
Exciting batting talent now regarded as best possible hope for future of Indian Test top six.
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