The Heavy Ball

This, that and the other. Mostly the other

TV viewing safety guide for New Zealand-England Tests

The time difference can kill you unless you follow these instructions

Alan Tyers

Comments: 5 | Text size: A | A
14 Dec: England v New Zealand, CricInfo Women's World Cup match played at BIL Oval, Lincoln
Or just head to New Zealand. Better for your health and sanity © ESPNcricinfo Ltd
Enlarge
Related Links
Series/Tournaments: England tour of New Zealand

England are playing in the Land of the Long White Cloud, but for their supporters back home, it'll be more like the Land of the Long Dark Night. With Test matches kicking off at 9.30pm UK time, fans will have to focus on executing their skills and getting things in the right areas if they are to stay awake. This guide explains how.

Pace yourself
Yes, the prospect of watching Nick Compton and Jonathan Trott compile a painstaking two-an-over partnership against New Zealand's battery of dobbers is obviously very exciting, but you don't want to peak too early and use up too much nervous energy in wild fits of ecstasy. Try to take regular naps while Jonathan is marking out his guard or holding up play to wonder if that man 50 yards behind the sightscreen might have some very distracting egg down his tie.

Warm up and warm down properly
After a long day's work and/or binge-drinking, the cricket fan is advised not to just throw himself or herself on the sofa with abandon. This sort of poor body positioning can lead to serious injuries that can plague a viewer throughout an entire series, and unlike the England cricket team, the fan at home does not have the luxury of constantly rotating substitute viewers.

Focus on your good areas and execute
A Test match viewing day lasts for three sessions, apart from those bits where you're in the loo, looking under the sofa for a lost cashew nut or trying to fix the TV screen having hurled a lamp at it listening to Knighty go, "Oooh, well, I just wonder, you know, is it a catch, oooh, no, that's a four, no a six, that's gone all the way". Lapses in concentration can be very costly - a remote control dropped on to a toe, a disintegrated biscuit dunked for too long in a cup of tea, a poorly packed ham sandwich going everywhere. Sustained excellence comes from doing the simple things well, every time.

Drink plenty of fluids
It is the duty of every English cricket fan to show his or her support for the team by sticking to drinks from commercial partners of English cricket. Although a cocktail of Laithwaite's wine, Stowford Press cider and Marston's Pedigree bitter may not be to everyone's taste, at least you can soak up the booze with some delicious Non-Specific Animal Carcass-Based Snacks from ASDA.

Stay positive even if the situation looks grim
There will be dark hours ahead - perhaps a lost satellite signal coinciding with having to listen to a re-recorded David Cameron interview on Test Match Special, or falling asleep and having a nightmare of Sir Ian Botham shouting at you for not having brought your gym clothes, or even an extended Boycott monologue about Sir Richard Hadlee. Stay strong. Keep your eyes open. You will prevail. And the good news is that if you do miss anything, England will be playing New Zealand again in about six weeks anyway.

RSS FeedYou can check out Alan's new book, Gin And Juice: The Victorian Guide To Parenting here if you like

Tell us what you think. Send us your feedback

© ESPN Sports Media Ltd.

Comments: 5 
Posted by Cpt.Meanster on (March 2, 2013, 1:21 GMT)

Well people like Paul Rone-Clarke are funny to say the least. In a way, I feel pity for people like him. Cause test cricket is living on borrowed time. Soon it will become extinct in the HQ of the cricket world - INDIA. Then England will probably end up playing Ashes cricket with Australia every Sunday and entertaining SA every Wednesday. Test cricket is boring as muffins. T20 is the symbol of innovation, creativity and flamboyance. All my Canadian and American friends think T20 is just like baseball and hence, FUN. And I totally agree with them. Having said that, test cricket can be allowed to survive by clinging to dear life. Let it die out by itself. There is no hurry.

Posted by ThatsJustCricket on (March 1, 2013, 20:12 GMT)

Its people like Paul Rone-Clarke on (March 1, 2013, 19:39 GMT) who are the problem. All three formats of the game have their own unique set of challenges and require different set of skills with Tests obviously being the hardest of all.

Posted by   on (March 1, 2013, 19:39 GMT)

Test matches the pinnacle of the game. T20 - dull 6 fests where the key currency of the game (boundaries and wickets) are devalued. The quicker T20 is ditched the better! Can't wait for the series to start, glad the "hit and giggle" rubbish is over

Posted by   on (March 1, 2013, 16:21 GMT)

How can I watch this series in the United States (California)?

Posted by Engfasttrackwimp on (March 1, 2013, 9:27 GMT)

It's more tough to watch boring Test matches than play them I guess!!

Comments have now been closed for this article

Email this page to a friend Email Feedback Feedback Print Print
RSS FeedAll
Alan Tyers
Alan Tyers writes about sport for the Daily Telegraph and others. He is the author of six books published by Bloomsbury, all of them with pictures by the brilliant illustrator Beach. The most recent is Tutenkhamen's Tracksuit: The History of Sport in 100ish Objects. Alan is one of many weak links in the world's worst cricket team, the Twenty Minuters.

All Articles »

Alan TyersClose
Alan Tyers Alan Tyers writes about sport for the Daily Telegraph and others. He is the author of six books published by Bloomsbury, all of them with pictures by the brilliant illustrator Beach. The most recent is Tutenkhamen's Tracksuit: The History of Sport in 100ish Objects. Alan is one of many weak links in the world's worst cricket team, the Twenty Minuters.
  • ESPN
  • ESPNF1
  • Scrum
  • Soccernet