The Heavy Ball

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Happy hours in Dunedin

The New Zealand dressing room was in high spirits after the draw against England

Alan Tyers

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Daniel Vettori walks through the wind and rain, New Zealand v South Africa, 3rd Test, Wellington, 2nd day, March 24, 2012
What do you call a happy New Zealand spinner? A Kiwi cordial with a twist © AFP
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The home dressing room, the University Oval ground, Dunedin, some time after the close of play

Brendon McCullum called for quiet. A hush descended on the room, punctuated only by the sounds of cans of lager being opened and Jeetan Patel singing loudly.

"Right boys," said Brendon. "That was a pretty good effort all told."

Dan Vettori interrupted.

"Forfeit! You didn't say 'Ibble Dibble I' before you started speaking. You have to drink two fingers."

"Erm, Dan…" began the captain.

"Four fingersh!" shouted Jeetan. "Drink! Drink! Drink!"

"Ibble dibble I'd just like to confirm that there isn't a drinking culture around the team," said Mike Hesson, to nobody in particular. "And it's all definitely Ross Taylor's fault anyway."

"Right, that's it. I'm off," said Ross. "Then you'll see." He got up as if to leave.

"Stick around, mate," said Brendon. "We're all in this together, as a unit, doing our best for New Zealand cricket."

"Until the IPL starts, obviously," said Dan.

"Well, obviously," said Brendon. "Three cheers for the IPL."

There was a lengthy period of toasting, shouting, cheering, Jaegerbombing, backslapping and stumbling over and hitting your head on the pavement outside a nightclubbing.

"Now we executed our skills pretty well in this last week," said Brendon. "But how can we get better?"

"Wine-tasting lessons?" suggested Dan.

"Two-for-one offers on Moscow Mules?" said Jeetan.

"Stop using shot glasses and everyone starts using plastic children's beakers?" said Doug Bracewell. "It's a health and safety issue, I reckon."

"Ice baths?" said the tall and sensible Peter Fulton, looking tall and sensible.

"Good, sensible suggestion," said Brendon. "Well done, Peter."

"Yeah, ice baths. That way we'll always have lots of ice on hand for cocktails," said Jeetan. "Nice one, Peter."

"Ibble dibble Sex on the Beach," suggested Mike Hesson.

"Maybe we should invite the English team in for a drink?" said Peter.

"Yeah, they said they're coming but they'll turn up two days late," said Brendon.

"Great news," said Jeetan. "That should give me just enough time to sleep this one off."

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Posted by Noman_Yousuf_Dandore on (March 11, 2013, 12:04 GMT)

Hahaha!! This would have been the funniest story of the day, if Mickey wouldn't have hogged the limelight. Anyways, this article calls for a toast! Cheers!

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Alan Tyers
Alan Tyers writes about sport for the Daily Telegraph and others. He is the author of six books published by Bloomsbury, all of them with pictures by the brilliant illustrator Beach. The most recent is Tutenkhamen's Tracksuit: The History of Sport in 100ish Objects. Alan is one of many weak links in the world's worst cricket team, the Twenty Minuters.

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Alan TyersClose
Alan Tyers writes about sport for the Daily Telegraph and others. He is the author of six books published by Bloomsbury, all of them with pictures by the brilliant illustrator Beach. The most recent is Tutenkhamen's Tracksuit: The History of Sport in 100ish Objects. Alan is one of many weak links in the world's worst cricket team, the Twenty Minuters.
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