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This, that and the other. Mostly the other
Competition for Fair Play Award starting to get ugly
The sixth edition of the IPL has reached a stage when competition for the Fair Play Award has started to heat up, with many players and teams adopting aggressive and, sometimes, underhanded tactics in a bid to appear more gentlemanly than the others.
Adam Gilchrist, usually held up as a paragon of cricketing virtue, was pulled up recently by a third umpire for walking before an on-field umpire had raising his index finger. Replays suggested that Gilchrist hadn't in fact nicked the ball, and he eventually admitted that he had been just gunning for fair-play points.
Elsewhere, Rahul Dravid has been reported for intimidation after he barged into a third umpire's room and demanded to know why Rajasthan Royals hadn't been awarded points for the restraint he exhibited in not sledging a bowler back.
The pressures of winning fair-play points have been so intense that the organisers are considering introducing a Fair Play Award for players competing for the Fair Play Award.
Fans grateful for IPL horn
One of the most characteristic features of IPL matches has been the periodic blast of a horn, which acts as a trigger for the fans to make some noise. Can the horn's importance be overstated? Most people agree that the tournament just wouldn't be the same without it.
"Before the horn was a feature at cricket matches I never knew when to get excited at a game," admitted one grateful fan. "Thank you, IPL horn!"
"I've downloaded a ringtone of it," said another, "so that every time I receive a call, it feels like I'm having a crazy great time!"
The DJs who play the horn sound are modest about the increasingly important function they have come to play in society. "Hey, we're just doing our job. It's not like we're saving lives or anything," said one, before adding after further consideration: "but then again, Pavlov and his work with salivating dogs didn't save lives either. And neither did Beethoven."
People of all ages in attendance, commentator able to confirm
Showcasing an uncommon attention to detail, a television commentator was able to confirm, live on air as the camera panned across the crowds, that there were people of all ages in attendance at the stadium that day.
"That's what makes him the best," said a proud spokesman for the broadcaster. "And it doesn't stop there. Not only can he provide for the viewer the service of letting them know that the match is not being attended by a uniform crowd of people, all sharing the same birthday, but he can also tell them that there are people of different genders present at the ground and, wouldn't you know it, of varying heights and girths as well."
Kohlera > Brangelina
It's no secret that the camera loves Virat Kohli. Whether he's batting, fielding or just sitting in the dugout staring at the big screen in the hope of catching another glimpse of himself, the camera always finds Kohli and fixes him with its loving gaze. But is it an unrequited love?
Judging by the smouldering looks that Kohli keeps throwing the camera's way, and a recent photo showing him retiring to his hotel room with a sleek Japanese number mounted on an especially leggy tripod, he's got some love for the camera, all right.
Yep, it's time to make wa,y Brangelina. Kohlera is the hottest couple in town.
Man buys wig
It's always a special moment when a grown man, married, with three children, decides to buy a wig. And it's never more so when it's for a cricket match.
But for one family, what started out as a bit of innocent fun has quickly turned into a nightmare. When Deepak Mehta went to watch an IPL game, he decided to buy a hot-pink Afro in support of his team, Mumbai Indians, and their wild-haired troll-doll of a strike bowler, Lasith Malinga.
Which would have been fine had it ended there. But, fortunately or unfortunately, Mehta developed a liking for the wig, and has since been caught on more than one occasion modelling it in front of the mirror. Says Mehta: "It's just a comfort thing. I feel so much more at ease with myself when I wear it."
His wife has threatened to file for divorce unless he gets rid of the wig, and his children avoid him on the street. But this hasn't deterred Mehta. "Haters are just jealous because I'm fabulous," he said, clicking his fingers and doing a little shimmy for emphasis.
"Go Mumbai Indians!" he added hastily.
Orange cap starting to smell pretty bad
Virat Kohli didn't even provide Chris Gayle the courtesy of washing the orange cap before passing it onto him when the latter overtook him as the tournament's highest run scorer, according to reports coming out of the Royal Challengers camp.
"It was soaking wet with a slimy mixture of sweat and gel when it was presented to me," said a visibly repulsed Gayle. "I don't know why they couldn't have just given me a new one."
The owners of the franchise have reportedly rejected the idea of issuing new orange caps to its highest run getters, citing the expenses that this would involve.
R Rajkumar tweets here
All quotes and "facts" in this article are made up, but you knew that already, didn't you?
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