This, that and the other. Mostly the other
Ishant Sharma's Adam's apple no-balled again
Despite all the hard work Ishant Sharma has put in over the years in trying to rectify his problem of being no-balled, because of his protruding Adam's apple, he was repeatedly pulled up again during a recent IPL match.
Umpires no-balled Ishant no fewer than four times when the troublesome protrusion in his neck repeatedly crossed the popping crease before any other part of his body had a chance to do the same.
Umpires say they have tried warning the bowler before no-balling him, but that every time they try talking to him they "keep getting distracted by that crazy-a** neck".
Report: Balls don't necessarily "stay hit"
There is increasing evidence that, contrary to popular belief, balls once hit do not necessarily "stay hit".
A study has shown that most balls that get hit for six are, in a matter of moments, returned to the field of play, to be bowled again, ad nauseum.
"It simply defies the laws of physics to say that anything stays hit after they're hit," said a researcher. "Except maybe Sreesanth. Once he gets hit he never stops crying."
"Gayle-storm" a fresh, clever play on words - hundreds of people, apparently
The term "Gayle-storm" continues to be a considered a fresh, clever twist on words, according to the scores of fans, commentators, big-screen messages, and players who continue to apply it to Chris Gayle's batting.
"It's a play on words, you know," explained one smug fan holding up a "WEATHER REPORT: GAYLE-STORM" cardboard sign. "It's clever because it combines Chris Gayle's name with a similarly-spelled weather phen--HEY!"
The fan, who couldn't complete the sentence because he had suddenly been slapped across the face by this correspondent, was observed just minutes later, excitedly waving his sign about as though nothing had happened.
A popular commentator, while asked about this, said, "I think it's great. Gayle-storm is just one of those happy accidents that sits up and asks to be taken advanta - HEY WHAT'S THE BIG IDEA? SOMEONE CALL THE POLICE."
Classical-dancing cheerleaders drive septuagenarians wild
The classical/folk dancers that Pune Warriors have employed in lieu of regular cheerleaders have proved a big hit with the franchise's fans, which apparently consist mostly of cultured septuagenarians with a taste for playing bridge on Sundays and taking in the odd theatre performance or two.
"Go Pune Warriors!" screamed a rowdy bunch of elderly men in front of the stage where the cheerleaders had gathered. "Wow, check out the mudras on that one!" said one lewd senior citizen to his mate, even as his wife gave him an admonishing look from afar.
"And man, did you see the expressiveness of the eyes on that chick there?" said another bug-eyed old-timer. "Such technical perfection," agreed his friend, as they exchanged a high-five and held up their phones to record the dancing, which they planned on posting on their Facebook walls so their grandchildren in the United States could see it too.
Sidhu finally admits he doesn't make sense even to himself
Navjot Singh Sidhu has finally come out and admitted that he doesn't make sense even to himself, ending idle speculation among viewers and colleagues alike.
In a wide-ranging interview he recently gave to someone (it wasn't immediately known who the interviewer was, or if indeed there was an interviewer present, as it was Sidhu who did all the talking), the insufferable former opening batsman turned-national embarrassment remarked: "Boss, half the time I'm just winging it. Who cares what the words mean, as long as the words come out of my mouth, am I right? That's what I always say."
Sidhu then went on to describe his process of stringing words together to form sentences: "My friend, you cannot spell 'ingenious' without an indeterminate number of vowels. By which I mean to say that I use a flood-of-consciousness technique. Unlike your regular everyday stream-of-consciousness technique, my method allows you to spew so much words and hot air into the space around that very little oxygen reaches the brain of the person speaking them, thereby rendering him inured from any sense of self-regard."
Added Sidhu: "Works like an Indian taxi-meter, boss. Whatever that means. Ha ha ha."
Military-medium bowlers suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
More and more young men who have enlisted as military-medium bowlers have been reporting back from the field with complaints of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, an affliction known to affect people who have survived active duty on the battlefield in the service of their country or club.
"These young men have seen and done things that we can only imagine," says one Dr Sylvan, who specialises in treating servicemen affected by PTSD.
"There was one young man who had just come back from the horrors of IPL VI," he said, suppressing a shudder. "There, he had seen a lot of his fellow soldiers massacred by Charlie, which as you probably know is a military code word for the enemy, otherwise known as Chris Gayle. He came back hollow-eyed and shell-shocked. It's a miracle he even made it out alive."
Treatments include therapy and de-association exercises, which involve meeting Gayle outside a cricket ground, in neutral settings like a picnic, or by the side of a gently flowing stream in the wilderness.
Musical-chairs for captaincy ends in broken furniture
The musical chairs for captaincy, which a number of the IPL teams have subjected themselves to in order to get the team balance right, has proven far from ideal, and has served to spread insecurity and ill will among the players. To take Pune Warriors as a case in point: during one stage, Angelo Mathews, Aaron Finch, and Yuvraj Singh all charged for the lone chair available when the music stopped. Finch reached the chair first and sat down, but Yuvraj and Mathews piled on top of him, each trying to sit on the other's lap, until the chair gave way beneath them.
"It was his fault," murmured Finch, pointing an accusing finger at Yuvraj. "Enough!" boomed the team chaperone. "I don't want to hear of it. All of you go back up to your rooms; the party's over. No captaincy for ANYone tonight."
R Rajkumar tweets here
All quotes and "facts" in this article are made up, but you knew that already, didn't you?
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