The Heavy Ball

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L Siva to take over from Alex Ferguson

The ICC's new player rep readies himself for another tough sporting assignment - helping United win the IPL

Anand Ramachandran

Comments: 9 | Text size: A | A
Bollywood actor Shahrukh Khan gets a guard of honour at the launch of the 'Toyota University Cricket Championship', Mumbai, January 17, 2013
Young kids who didn't have to grow up watching Shah Rukh Khan movies thank him for his generosity © AFP
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Players/Officials: Laxman Sivaramakrishnan
Series/Tournaments: Indian Premier League
Teams: India

Cricket and football fans woke up to a rude shock last week when they heard that former India legspinner L Sivaramakrishnan has been appointed the manager of champion English football club Manchester United, replacing the legendary Sir Alex Ferguson.

Siva confirmed the appointment to reporters. "Yes, I'm honoured and delighted to take on this huge responsibility. I have a pretty good track record of taking on jobs for which I'm an entirely inappropriate candidate - consider my recent appointment as the ICC players' representative, my long stint as a TV commentator, and, come to think of it, the latter part of my career as a Test match spinner. So I'm confident I'm the right person for the job, precisely because I'm the wrong person for the job.

"Hey, have you guys noticed that K Srikkanth is beginning to increasingly resemble Captain Haddock?" he added irrelevantly.

Everton boss David Moyes, who was pipped to the job by Siva, has angrily claimed that the whole thing is the result of a BCCI conspiracy. "It's clear that BCCI chief N Srinivasan is behind this ridiculous decision. I am considering taking legal action, as any victim may," he said, hoping someone would notice.

Siva has announced that one of his first tasks is for Manchester United to win the IPL next year. "This is a club that's used to trophies. I intend to continue that fine tradition. It will feel good to knock CSK off their @#$#ing perch," he said, getting into character even as volunteers handed out smelling salts and Paracetamol tablets to the press persons gathered at the meet.

When someone pointed out that Manchester United do not play cricket, Siva did not lose his cool. "So what? Neither do Pune Warriors India. I'm confident we have a better chance next year than they do."

"Manchester United playing in the IPL will help the tournament gain popularity in India," said the guy in charge of the IPL right now. (We don't remember his name. Who would have thought they'd find someone more low-profile than Chirayu Amin?) "We all know that the club has a huge loyal fan base in India. Now that Manchester United are playing in the IPL, it finally gives their Indian fans a real reason to support them."

Siva warned the Manchester United players that life would not be easy under his tutelage. "I have already purchased a hair-straightener. And I'm not afraid to use it, even if it means all my players end up looking like Saurabh Tiwary," he said, leading to puzzled looks from all present.

****

Bollywood superstar Shah Rukh Khan has retaliated against his five-year ban at the Wankhede Stadium by announcing that anyone who watches a match at the famous venue will be banned from entering theatres to watch any of his films. His announcement led to a spontaneous explosion of joy from spectators at the Wankhede, the magnitude of which has not been seen since India's World Cup victory there in 2011.

"We never expected SRK to respond with so much grace and magnanimity. On behalf of the MCA, and indeed the people of Maharashtra, we thank him for this gesture," said a Mumbai Cricket Association spokesman. "Now, if we could only find a way to make sure he keeps Yusuf Pathan in the KKR starting line-up," he winked.

RSS FeedAnand Ramachandran is a writer, comics creator and videogame designer who works when he isn't playing some game with an "of" in its name. He tweets here.

All quotes and "facts" in this article are made up, but you knew that already, didn't you?

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© ESPN Sports Media Ltd.

Comments: 9 
Posted by   on (May 14, 2013, 20:41 GMT)

Too good. I read it once, and it was so funny, and I shared with many of my friends, and then AGAIN I read it- it's very funny.

ofcourse the entire article is great, but still the following ones are just great:

"So what? Neither do Pune Warriors India. I'm confident we have a better chance next year than they do."

"I have already purchased a hair-straightener. And I'm not afraid to use it, even if it means all my players end up looking like Saurabh Tiwary,

-- No one mentioned about SRK one, but that also is as good as Siva one (though it's quite short).

keep writing.

Posted by shomeer on (May 14, 2013, 4:16 GMT)

Awesome....

"Hey, have you guys noticed that K Srikkanth is beginning to increasingly resemble Captain Haddock?" he added irrelevantly. Too Good..

and of course "Neither do Pune Warriors India...." ROFL...

@sandy_bangalore Thanks for explaining EPL references...

Posted by Gerry_the_Merry on (May 14, 2013, 3:56 GMT)

Man, you are the best. "I am the right man for the job precisely since I am the wrong man for the job"...awesome.

Posted by h_kap on (May 13, 2013, 19:46 GMT)

"So what? Neither do Pune Warriors India. I'm confident we have a better chance next year than they do." ROFLMAO !!

Posted by Adeel9 on (May 13, 2013, 19:07 GMT)

When someone pointed out that Manchester United do not play cricket, Siva did not lose his cool. "So what? Neither do Pune Warriors India...." ROFL

Posted by Unmesh_cric on (May 13, 2013, 18:16 GMT)

That "So what? Neither do Pune Warriors India" bit cracked me up. Hilarious!!!

Posted by   on (May 13, 2013, 17:03 GMT)

Hilarious article... Perked me up after a heavy lunch at work... !!!

Posted by   on (May 13, 2013, 12:47 GMT)

First time I reading your article, and I loved it! Masterpiece..had a good laugh..the hair straightening line almost got me off my chair..superb!

Posted by sandy_bangalore on (May 13, 2013, 8:11 GMT)

Wonderful write up! Really laughing out loud at some of those Siva quotes. For those of you who dont have much idea about manchester united, there are some references that you will have missed. 1) Knocking Liverpool off their effing perch was something he said in his early days 2) And Hairdryer treatment means to castigate a non-performing star. Excellent work, Mr Anand. Keep them coming

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Anand Ramachandran
Anand Ramachandran is a game designer and writer based in Bangalore. He specialises in finding creative ways to justify time and money spent on watching sports, playing games and reading comics as "professional investment". He boasts a batting average of 79.66 with 53 first-class hundreds in various cricket videogames, on platforms as diverse as the Sinclair ZX-Spectrum and modern PCs and consoles.

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Anand RamachandranClose
Anand Ramachandran Anand Ramachandran is a game designer and writer based in Bangalore. He specialises in finding creative ways to justify time and money spent on watching sports, playing games and reading comics as "professional investment". He boasts a batting average of 79.66 with 53 first-class hundreds in various cricket videogames, on platforms as diverse as the Sinclair ZX-Spectrum and modern PCs and consoles.
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