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Agony Aunt

What to do when there's no cricket on TV

Warning: it may involve exposure to direct sunlight

Trish Plunket

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Darren Lehmann and David Warner walk off after carrying drinks, Worcestershire v Australians, 4th day, July 5, 2013
Darren Lehmann: on the run from the fashion police © Getty Images
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Darren Lehmann was angry that Stuart Broad didn't walk after edging a ball. But what are the real crimes in cricket? asks Sir Cops A Lot
Match-fixing? Ball-tampering? Cricketers who start every answer they give in interviews with "Yeah, nah"? Frankly, Lehmann's sunglasses could very well qualify as a cricketing crime.

Other cricketing crimes, in no particular order: being overly precious about the position of the sightscreen, refusing to wave at the crowd when they ask you to, being mean to the kid who won the competition to be the 13th man, getting out playing the same stupid shot you played (and got out with) the last three innings, and getting drunk and obnoxious at the after-match.

Urinating on bouncers, urinating on the pitch? Is there a pattern here for us to psychoanalyse? asks Bladder Patrol
This, as far as I can tell, is a boy thing. Boys pee on pretty much everything. How often do you see a woman get done for public urination? You don't. And it's not just because it's physically more difficult. Blokes have this weird, animal tendency to mark things with their urine. This is especially so if they've been drinking. So, when you get a group of inebriated blokes with the need to truly show their mastery of a certain location, then I guarantee that at least one person will drop trou and go for a wee. It's disgusting, yes, but almost understandable.

Weeing on someone, however, is just nasty. If your bladder is that small you probably shouldn't be allowed out of the house without a catheter bag.

What should I do when there's no cricket on the telly? asks Indoorsy Guy
Venture outside of your cave, blink several times in confusion as you discover the blinding light of the sun, and hiss at passing small children.

You may also wish to reconnect with your family, friends and significant other. Or at least discover they walked out about the same time Stuart Broad didn't.

You could take up a hobby - woodwork, knitting, making cat toys out of feathers and fishing wire. Or yoga. I hear yoga is a thing that people do.

Though really, what you should do when there's no cricket on the telly is grab some friends (if you have any) or local kids (if you don't) and go play backyard cricket. Or street cricket. Or whatever kind of non-ICC regulated cricket you can think of.

If I host a "domestic season's about to begin" party, do you think anyone will come? What should the dress code be and what entertainment can I offer? asks First-class Fellow
To be honest, I really don't think anyone would be interested in having a "Yay for the domestic season" party. Maybe if you had an open bar, that might work (I'll celebrate anything which involves an open bar), but the only people I think who give two craps about the domestic season are the blokes playing it. And possibly the old white dudes who live in long rooms around the world. But they're not very good at a party, on the grounds that they are long-winded and often grumpy.

Though if you are determined to herald the domestic season with a shindig, I suggest having a dress code of "oldest cricket uniform you can find" - that will give the long-roomers a chance to shine. And it's not a party until there's Fanta and fairy bread.

I am a recently retired cricketer looking for a job. Commentary is not an option since I can't string two words together, and I hate young people, so coaching is out too. What can I do? asks Stale Slogger
Join the rest of us in the ranks of the unemployed? No, you shouldn't have to do that - you can hit a ball with a bat! No excuse for slumming it.

You could try writing columns - don't worry, you can tell your ghostwriter what to say (or not) and enjoy looking as though you are literate. You could manage a coaching academy, using younger guys as coaches and only having to deal with the brats at photo ops. If you have the body for it, you could flog undies, or heat pumps, or whatever it is they get cricketers to flog these days.

Or, and this is a startling idea, you could get a job which has nothing to do with cricket or sport at all. Perhaps a plumber's apprentice?

Leave your questions in the comments below

Trish Plunket is a grumpy old man. Except she's not old. Or a man

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Comments: 2 
Posted by yujilop on (September 13, 2013, 8:26 GMT)

Every time the fielding team appeals for a caught behind, I walk up to the square leg umpire, then turn around and get back to my crease... Is this in violation of the "spirit of cricket?"

Posted by TheCricketFunGroup on (September 12, 2013, 9:20 GMT)

I am 25. Die hard Cricket fan turned into IT professional along the time. How can I get back to Cricket now?

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