The Heavy Ball

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Agony Aunt

Why Tendulkar can be sued for retiring

And what Shane Warne can teach Ish Sodhi about leggies

Trish Plunket

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Bangladesh celebrate the dismissal of Ross Taylor, 2nd Test, 3rd day, Mirpur, October 23, 2013
Just to make sure any fan still watching gives up, Bangladesh put on a show of how to mess up a high-five © AFP

If you ran a cricket board, what sort of biscuits would you serve at the general body meetings? asks Tea Lady
If by biscuits you mean alcohol, then gin. And if by biscuits you don't mean alcohol then you're asking the wrong question. Next!

I had money on Tendulkar breaking Wilfred Rhodes' record of being the oldest cricketer to play Test cricket, at 52. Do you think I have a case to sue him for wilfully misleading fans into believing he'd never retire? asks Safe Bet
I know several lawyers with the smallest scruples who would take that case. I believe he has been around forever, and since he started so ridiculously young, there will be the case that he should have finished ridiculously old.

But Tendulkar can't be blamed for this alone. I'm pretty sure you could make a case against the BCCI for threatening Tendulkar as some kind of inhuman run-scoring machine in order to make other cricket boards cower in fear and acquiesce to their every whim, and since the BCCI has a lot of whims it didn't look like it would be done threatening everyone else with him anytime soon.

In fact, you could probably take out a lawsuit against the entire Indian cricket-watching public, for deifying Tendulkar as some kind of cricketing god. But then, I'm pretty sure a good number of people still believe he will never retire, he'll just ascend to a higher plane, or be reincarnated, or turn out to be a robot or something.

Do the Bangladesh and New Zealand players have a vendetta against the series broadcaster? Is that why they played such boring cricket in Chittagong? asks T20 Fan
If they don't have a serious vendetta, they should have. Why? Danny Morrison. Seriously, I know of no one in this country who likes him, and I'm pretty sure that's why we fobbed him off on the subcontinent years ago. Where he apparently has a fan club. Let me pose this question to you, fans of Danny Morrison: What the hell? What can this man possibly offer you that you can't get from a pre-frontal lobotomy much quicker and cheaper?

Anyway, it's with a deep sigh and another drink that I accept that if the Bangladeshi and Kiwi cricketers want to punish whoever employs that man, then we're going to see some bloody boring cricket, but there you go. There are casualties in every war.

I want to compose a catchy farewell slogan for Tendulkar and write it on a poster so the TV cameras pick me out in the stands during his 200th Test. Do you have any suggestions to get me started? asks Come Hither Camera
This depends. Do you want a nice send-off banner, which will get you two seconds on camera and a pat on the head? Or do you want the kind of banner that chews at the inside of everyone who sees it, that makes you infamous, that paints you as the kind of bastard who isn't afraid to wear his bastardry on his sleeve (or carry it on a large piece of cardboard)? If you want the first kind of sign, I can't help you. Go find someone nice and ask them. If it's the second then you've come to the right place because I am indeed that kind of bastard.

Perhaps try "God is Dead" for something both intellectual and depressing. "Ponting was better" if you want to get beaten up by an angry mob. "My future children will never see you play, how can you deprive them?" for a more emotional angle. "I had money on you, damn it!" if you're actually the same person who sent in that other question.

Do you think the India-Australia ODI in Jaipur in which 721 runs were scored in under eight hours had an adverse effect on global warming? A Bowler Who Cares for the Environment
Possibly. The amount of gas that was expelled by commentators gasping, moaning, and generally acting as though they needed to have a cigarette and a clean pair of pants was probably measurable with whatever meters scientists use to put numbers to levels of hot air. This won't stop there, as the amount of hot air that will be expelled by said commentators will be expelled long into the future, when they get misty-eyed over ODI cricket after its inevitable death at the hands of T20.

New Zealand cricket are going to send Ish Sodhi to Australia to get lessons from Shane Warne. What can Warnie teach the youngster? asks Prof Good Manners
I'm not sure what NZC is thinking by sending someone young and possibly impressionable to get lessons in anything from Shane Warne, but at least Paul Wiseman (the man that time forgot) will be going along as some kind of chaperone, acting like your girlfriend's maiden aunt on your first date. So there'll be no hanky-panky. Hand-holding and cheek kissing at the most.

Warnie could teach Ish about the fine art of media mismanagement, how getting away with taking drugs is harder than it seems, how to best leverage cricket-playing status into a never-ending supply of nubile young women, and to always double- check that you are text messaging the right person.

If Ish spends the weekend, they might even get to some bowling.

Leave your questions in the comments below

Trish Plunket is a grumpy old man. Except she's not old. Or a man

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