Cameron for prez

Everyone loves an election. What's that? You don't? Well, you're in a minority. I think you'll find that there's nothing your fellow humans enjoy more than a seven- or eight-week spell of mud-slinging, fixed grins, hysterical scaremongering, deceit and impossible promises.

In England we've been playing elections since last summer and everyone involved is having a fantastic time. Our Dickensian housing estates, dilapidated trains, crumbling hospitals and unregulated sweatshops are full of people eagerly discussing the latest opinion polls, and debating whether or not the salmon pink tie that David Cameron was wearing last night would win him the support of anglers or cost him votes with vegetarians.

The fun is due to end some time in early May, but there is a tantalising possibility that, due to the endearing inability of any of the current crop of besuited, lie-mongering, money-snorting air-wasters to attain anything approaching popularity, this election might spawn a second election, more terrible and hideous than the first, and then another after that and so on until the whole of our national life is one never-ending election-themed dystopia.

But our David Cameron is not the only David Cameron to be inflicting himself upon an unwilling electorate this spring. In the Caribbean, Whycliffe "Dave" Cameron of the WICB is up for re-election. He is standing on a platform of moderate incompetence and his manifesto includes a plan to limit player strikes to one a year, a promise to change his tie on alternate days, and a commitment to double the number of biscuits at WICB meetings.

His opponent is someone called Garner. I looked him up. Apparently he used to play a bit and once managed the West Indies team, so is clearly unqualified to run the WICB. He may know all about successful cricket at the highest level, but has he ever put together a seventeen-point mission statement, chaired an inter-island conference call on the dynamics of change management or negotiated a good deal on stationery supplies with the region's most formidable stationery sales representative?

A plucky nobody like Joel couldn't hope to compete with a man of such towering stature as Dave. The same goes for Brian Lara. It is reported that Lara is open to the idea of running for WICB president, but I noted that he has waited until nominations have closed before mentioning it. He knows that, although his reputation would undoubtedly be enhanced by becoming associated with the WICB, he would have very little chance of winning against the current incumbent.

So unlike the British electorate, which seems utterly incapable of making up its mind, the WICB electorate (a dozen middle-aged men hanging around in the hope of one day getting the top job) have a clear duty this election. Don't put the success of West Indies cricket at risk. Vote for continuity. Vote for interesting ties. Vote Cameron.