Coming to a screen near you
Why hasn't cricket had any great films made about it? Here are some that could fill that vacancy
Anand Ramachandran
11-Feb-2011
While other sports have had great movies made about them (soccer has Escape to Victory, horse racing has Seabiscuit, athletics has Chariots of Fire, basketball has, er, Space Jam), cricket is yet to get the one true blockbuster that immortalises the sport on the silver screen. And before you ask, no Lagaan doesn't count, because it is less about villagers trying to win a cricket match than about Aamir Khan trying to win an Oscar.
However, all is not lost. While clearing out cupboards to make space for those cute World Cup mascot toys, we discovered a bunch of old, rejected film scripts that are all about cricket! Now to find a producer gullible enough to invest in one of them, and we may yet have the first great cricket movie of our times.
TitanICC
A gripping action drama about how a clueless captain and crew struggle to save a sinking ship - a metaphor for the ICC and ODI cricket. As the HMS TitanICC inches towards its date with the ocean floor, the captain and crew swing into action to try and save it from what seems to be inevitable doom - by sitting around, sipping champagne, and coming up with cockamamie ideas such as asking the crew to wear neon pajamas, painting the hull green, and insisting to everyone that plunging to the bottom of the sea in a big boat is an enjoyable experience, and great value for sponsors. Strangely nobody seems to even try to plug the gaping hole in the side of the boat, which, to a casual observer, looks suspiciously like the cause of the problem. Starring Kate Winslet as Jacques Kallis, Edward Norton as Nathan Hauritz, Kirti Azad as Kapil Dev, T Rajender as Dougie Bollinger's hairpiece, and Chirayu Amin as the Invisible Man.
A gripping action drama about how a clueless captain and crew struggle to save a sinking ship - a metaphor for the ICC and ODI cricket. As the HMS TitanICC inches towards its date with the ocean floor, the captain and crew swing into action to try and save it from what seems to be inevitable doom - by sitting around, sipping champagne, and coming up with cockamamie ideas such as asking the crew to wear neon pajamas, painting the hull green, and insisting to everyone that plunging to the bottom of the sea in a big boat is an enjoyable experience, and great value for sponsors. Strangely nobody seems to even try to plug the gaping hole in the side of the boat, which, to a casual observer, looks suspiciously like the cause of the problem. Starring Kate Winslet as Jacques Kallis, Edward Norton as Nathan Hauritz, Kirti Azad as Kapil Dev, T Rajender as Dougie Bollinger's hairpiece, and Chirayu Amin as the Invisible Man.
Lahore Confidential
All hell breaks loose when three officers of the Lahore police force are accused of corruption. When the three cops overstep their limits time and again, the department orders an internal investigation that unravels a sordid tale of lies, deceit, ice-cream and hakeem's prescriptions. The police chief initially denies everything, including the fact that he is the police chief, but is subsequently forced to retract his statements. The guilty policemen are all handed six-month life imprisonment sentences, which are eventually overturned by the new police chief. The point of this story? We don't know.
All hell breaks loose when three officers of the Lahore police force are accused of corruption. When the three cops overstep their limits time and again, the department orders an internal investigation that unravels a sordid tale of lies, deceit, ice-cream and hakeem's prescriptions. The police chief initially denies everything, including the fact that he is the police chief, but is subsequently forced to retract his statements. The guilty policemen are all handed six-month life imprisonment sentences, which are eventually overturned by the new police chief. The point of this story? We don't know.
Putting the BCCI in Bacchanalia
The poignant tale of a young Indian cricketer who rises above his humble beginnings and overcomes the greatest challenge in Indian cricket - making a fool of yourself in ridiculous advertisements. While the boy manages perfectly well on the field, he faces a confidence crisis as he finds himself unable to meet the demands of ad-film-makers and sponsors - such as performing stupid dance steps in front of a bike, indulging in some fake parkour before playing an air-guitar concert, running a cross-country relay race holding a jar of pain balm, gaping at washing machines that swoop down from space in luminous starships, and attending wild IPL sponsor parties during the drinks interval. Just as he is about to give up, he receives help from unexpected quarters - the BCCI, who kindly agree to let him skip nets before the World Cup to work on his acting and partying skills.
The poignant tale of a young Indian cricketer who rises above his humble beginnings and overcomes the greatest challenge in Indian cricket - making a fool of yourself in ridiculous advertisements. While the boy manages perfectly well on the field, he faces a confidence crisis as he finds himself unable to meet the demands of ad-film-makers and sponsors - such as performing stupid dance steps in front of a bike, indulging in some fake parkour before playing an air-guitar concert, running a cross-country relay race holding a jar of pain balm, gaping at washing machines that swoop down from space in luminous starships, and attending wild IPL sponsor parties during the drinks interval. Just as he is about to give up, he receives help from unexpected quarters - the BCCI, who kindly agree to let him skip nets before the World Cup to work on his acting and partying skills.
True Spit
A horror film that follows the traumatic experience of various international cricket captains who have had to shake hands with Ricky Ponting. One by one they succumb to the unspeakable horror of making physical contact with Punter's spit-addled palms. A gruesome tale of saliva, hand sanitiser, surgical gloves and bacteria.
A horror film that follows the traumatic experience of various international cricket captains who have had to shake hands with Ricky Ponting. One by one they succumb to the unspeakable horror of making physical contact with Punter's spit-addled palms. A gruesome tale of saliva, hand sanitiser, surgical gloves and bacteria.