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The Heavy Ball

Meet the England side

It's not just the three captains. Every man has a proper and well defined designation in the hierarchy

Alex Bowden
13-May-2011
Jonathan Trott: chief designer of rigorously painstaking pre-delivery preparatory manoeuvres and alignments  •  Getty Images

Jonathan Trott: chief designer of rigorously painstaking pre-delivery preparatory manoeuvres and alignments  •  Getty Images

Andy Flower - team director
Responsible for monitoring key performance indicators for all staff, specifically the chief business metrics of "runs" and "wickets".
Andrew Strauss - Test captain
Responsible for Test team. Establishes brand identity and corporate legacy. Also serves as human response communications orchestrator.
Alastair Cook - one-day captain and Test vice-captain
Responsible for one-day team. Reports to Test captain. Provides business security and facilitates long-term planning.
Stuart Broad - Twenty20 captain and one-day vice-captain
Responsible for Twenty20 team. Reports to one-day captain. Also serves as innovation facilitator.
Ian Bell - Twenty20 vice-captain and senior batting executive
Responsible for bat-grip management and linseed-oil supply chain.
Jonathan Trott - associate batting project manager
Responsible for redefining run-targets in real-time and managing on-field orientation aids.
Paul Collingwood - senior chief outfield systems co-ordinator
An independent, advisory role. Responsible for data sourcing and analysis in the fielding sphere. Makes field-solution recommendations to senior management figures on an ongoing basis. A part-time position, this role also ensures there is cover for the associate batting project manager.
Matt Prior - executive outfield administrator and assistant strategy co-ordinator
Responsible for ongoing execution of ball entrapment. Also expected to contribute in the fields of on-field and off-field field enhancement to ensure superior cross-field fielder utilisation in the leg-field and off-field fields when in the field.
Ravi Bopara - junior batting operative
Responsible for batting.
Eoin Morgan - creative batsmanship developer
A new role that has been added within the batting unit. Responsible for bringing challenging batting innovation to the team within the parameters of our core values. This is currently a part-time position.
James Anderson - senior bowling administration supervisor
Responsible for managing both red and white ball maintenance. Also serves as chief liaison officer, enabling communication between the bowling unit and senior management. This part of the role demands expert translation and interpersonal skills.
Graeme Swann - chief innovator for spin
A broad and far-reaching role. Assists the senior bowling administration director. Responsible for improving staff morale. Also serves as spin project leader.
Chris Tremlett - lead bowling officer
Responsible for ensuring consistent delivery of bowling objective of consistent delivery of deliveries when bowling. Also entrusted with the retrieval of all business equipment stored on high shelves.
Steven Finn - junior bowling officer
Provides cover for the above. Also responsible for on-field hydration.
Tim Bresnan - central bowling solutions optimisation facilitator
Responsible for seam bowling functionality, swing-bowling programme implementation, line-bowling direction configuration, length-bowling quality assurance and for acquisition of nice snacks for tea breaks.
Luke Wright - junior assistant cricket development trainee
A temporary role demanding great flexibility. Responsibilities to be determined by senior management figures daily according to the most pressing business goals. This is not, generally speaking, an opposition-facing position.
Kevin Pietersen - job title to be confirmed
Reports to all of the above.

Alex Bowden blogs at King Cricket. The"facts" in this piece are all made up, but you knew that already, didn't you?