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MCC members have been getting very hot under the (correctly tailored, tie mandatory) collar over development plans for Lord's. The exact nature of the £200 million proposals have remained shrouded in some degree of mystery… until now, thanks to this leaked memo smuggled out of the iconic ground in the secret compartment of a hollowed-out copy of The Laws of the Game…
1) Increase capacity of ground (with £200 million investment) to the tune of one more seat. Total estimated cost per new seat: £200 million. We will probably have to hike the prices up a bit for the person sitting in the new seat.
2) A community outreach programme to build facilities attractive to inner-city youths could tick some handy Lottery Funding boxes. Suggest MCC offers opportunities to local teens in popular urban sports like real tennis, racquets, battledore and shuttlecock, falconry, and muttering about "the Tanganyika situation".
3) Lasers to be installed at all gates of the ground to spot any potential visitor whose socks are not the correct length or colour. Research possibility of equipping sock laser with lethal death-ray function?
4) Nursery Ground to be made available for "pop concerts" featuring some of the most exciting young acts around today. Possible bookings: Engelbert Humperdinck, Humphrey Lyttelton, Vera Lynn, Schubert.
5) Residential development of 65 multi-million pound apartments to be made available to genuine cricket lovers such as Ukrainian oil oligarchs, Malaysian junk-bond bandits, Saudi horse-fiddling billionaires, etc.
6) Increased corporate hospitality area giving key commercial partners the opportunity to purchase a box that does not overlook the playing area, for those business customers who don't want a good day's schmoozing spoilt by boring old cricket.
7) An impregnable underground secret bunker with nuclear shelter in case relations with the BCCI deteriorate really badly.
8) Parking system and traffic congestion in the St John's Wood area to be radically improved with new car park, featuring space for up to four extra cars, or one really good-sized Nissota YummyMummymobile SUV.
9) Funds to be raised for the project by selling off debentures in a chicken and leek pie from one of the Lord's food outlets. Ticket holders for whom the price of a whole pie to themselves is out of financial reach could club together to each buy a share in one of the pies, say ten shareholders putting in £800 each and each getting one (1) bite.
10) Advice is being taken from our colleagues at the Football Association, drawing on their experience of redeveloping Wembley. With their guidance, we are confident we can complete our project by 2135 at a cost of just one £100 trillion pounds over budget.
More old-fashioned cricket silliness in WG Grace Ate My Pedalo, hereFeeds: Alan Tyers
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Alan Tyers writes about sport for the Daily Telegraph and others. He is the author of six books published by Bloomsbury, all of them with pictures by the brilliant illustrator Beach. The most recent is Tutenkhamen's Tracksuit: The History of Sport in 100ish Objects. Alan is one of many weak links in the world's worst cricket team, the Twenty Minuters.