May 24, 2013

Gilchrist helped off pitch after final game

And other news you wish you had missed during the past week

Fielder overcompensates for being caught picking nose live
A fielder caught picking his nose live on the big screen overcompensated for the embarrassment minutes after the incident.

Upon seeing that he was on the giant screen, the player in question - whose name this website has decided not to divulge as a mark of respect to his family - immediately withdrew his finger from deep inside his right nostril and proceeded to look nonchalantly into the middle distance.

He then appeared to go through a panicky series of motions, apparently designed to distract the viewer into forgetting what he or she had just seen, by alternately gesturing to his captain, clapping and shouting encouragement at his team-mates, and fidgeting with his collar, all the while returning a nervous eye to the big screen at regular intervals to see if he was still being shown.

Towel industry suffers after controversy
One of the inevitable consequences of the controversy currently embroiling the IPL has been that the towel industry has taken a crippling blow. Sales in India have taken a plunge ever since reports surfaced of a towel's alleged use on the field of play as a signal to unscrupulous elements.

Latest reports suggest that not only are people not purchasing new towels, outraged fans have been dumping any existing towels they can find at home out onto the streets.

"This is our way of symbolic protest," said one man as he ripped a bath towel from around his wife's head and threw it upon the ground. "This! Will! Not! Stand!" he shouted, punctuating each word by jumping up and down upon the offending cloth. Incidentally, the same man was later seen roaming the streets naked, shivering and dripping wet, after having been kicked out of his home by his now towel-less family.

But there have also been other, more serious consequences of the protesters' actions. Delhi police personnel have been knocking on the doors of the public, wanting to know just what kind of message they are sending by throwing out their towels, and to whom.

Pimple medication companies see opportunity in spot-fixing
Meanwhile, at least one unscrupulous ad agency has been busy advising the biggest pimple-cream company it could find on its client list that there is an opportunity to be had in this whole spot-fixing thing.

The term "spot-fixing" works on multiple levels, see?" said an advertising executive. "There is corruption in cricket, yes, but happily there is also corruption on our faces. And like cricket, acne isn't going to clean itself up, people. Let's all make a buck and call it a day already."

Gilchrist helped off pitch in final game of career
An infirm, doddering Adam Gilchrist had to be helped off the pitch at the conclusion of his final game for his IPL franchise, the embarrassing incident more than justifying his long overdue decision to call it quits from all competitive cricket. A photo showed the elderly batsman having to be lifted clear off the ground by his King's XI Punjab team-mates after attempting to recreate a popular dance routine that risked advancing a scheduled hip-replacement surgery by weeks.

"I'm going to miss all this," said the wrinkled, liver-spotted Gilchrist, who was then whisked away for a walk in the park with some other senior citizens for some exercise and fresh air.

Journalists happy they didn't have to use the word "Sivaramakrishnangate"
As the controversial appointment of L Sivaramakrishnan as player's representative on the ICC's Cricket Committee continues to be overshadowed by slightly more controversial events, journalists are collectively breathing a sigh of relief.

"That was close," said one respected writer for a national newspaper. "There was some panic that we'd have to use the word 'Sivaramakrishnangate' at some point or other, but I think we're safe now."

The journalist explained that while adding the suffix "gate" to controversies has been a time-honoured tradition since Watergate, writers have been very uncomfortable about doing the same in this instance due to the fact that adding any more letters to Sivaramakrishnan's name would have involved committing the most grievous of crimes.

"Not only would it have been unlawful, we just wouldn't have been able to live with ourselves," he added.

Bold new haircut successfully makes young cricketer feel edgy, dangerous
A bold, hip new haircut has successfully made a young cricketer feel edgy and dangerous. "I definitely feel different," he murmured to himself as he admired in his bathroom mirror the streaks that had been etched into his scalp like Nazca Lines.

"Now you can show the haterz how it's done, son!" he lapsed into what he considered to be fresh, urban lingo. "Damn straight," he added for good effect.

When on match day he was dismissed, the player removed his helmet as he made his way to the pavilion. "Most stylish duck you ever made, dog," he consoled himself.

Close-up shots of the sun and the moon allow TV viewers to confirm time
Cricket telecasts may be unique among sports for the frequency of ultra zoomed-in close-up shots of the sun or the moon during breaks in action, providing fans the underrated service of confirming whether it is day or night.

"We like to think that we're doing our small part to keep the fans as informed as they can be," said one TV executive magnanimously. "After all, people who call themselves cricket fans these days need all the help they can get."

Chris Broad proud, relieved after son Stuart's heroics
Commenting after Stuart Broad's match-winning efforts in the first Test against New Zealand, father Chris said he always knew his son would repay the faith he had in him. "Of course, he better have done, considering I was a well known international cricketer myself and put the little bugger through his paces as early as could possibly have been done without it being illegal or something," gushed the proud dad.

R Rajkumar tweets here

All quotes and "facts" in this article are made up, but you knew that already, didn't you?