'At least a house on fire gets some Ashes'

In his Ashes review, Andy Zaltzman says that Pietersen and Flower getting on like a burning building helped England negatively achieve a greater-than-optimum proportionality of their anti-goals

Producer: Suketu Mehta

January 13, 2014

Posted by 07sanjeewakaru on (January 19, 2014, 5:21 GMT)

Wonderful Zaltz....! The biggest placards change in a Series ever..! "Hei Aussies,We'll wallop you with a 5-0.........." to "It's only a game......" That's was the most embarrassing tour in the history of cricket...!

Posted by   on (January 15, 2014, 23:50 GMT)

<PART 3> Day 2 - Ah lovely shot by Carberry, that's worth at least four - deserved more - and even England's novices are demolishing this fragile Australiac bowling unit. CLANG! And Siddle has dropped it like a child's blancmange, and he writhes around like a beetle in unstoppable self-disgust, and rightly so. I know this is only day 2 of the series, but you just don't drop Kevin Pietersen. He will inevitably punish you with a massive, series-defining century. Peter - you've just dropped the Ashes!

Days 3 to 21 - (meekly) Yay, someone's done something good... at last, a handkerchief of dignity finally applied to a painfully nude man at a very awkward funeral.

(Image of Australia celebrating) - YES! It's over. Ah mercy... mercy, mercy, mercy. Oh, let us never speak of this again. It's only a game. Oh mamma... take me home. ----

See? Wasn't all bad.

Posted by   on (January 15, 2014, 23:49 GMT)

<PART 2>

Day 1 - (excitedly) And there goes Broad! Another wicket for the big man! Day 1 of the series and is it too early to say this goose is already in the bag and begging to be drowned in its own gravy? England on the rampage again! Clark... and GONE! It's BBQ time, England can smell the Ashes. Put ketchup on it, this sausage is baked to within an inch of its cylindrical life. Anderson... strikes like an 1980's miner, and this is a nightmare recurring fist-in-the-face for Australia - he's already cranked this unstoppable English motorbike into hyper-vroom. TREMBLE! It's Tremblett! Yes and Dame Judi Dench back home will be loving this if she's (a) into cricket and (b) into tall fast bowlers. Ah well, there you go, England on Day 1 are all over this series like full-body eczema on a mangy dog. Come on Australia - at least give us a game!

Posted by   on (January 15, 2014, 23:48 GMT)

For the benefit of the video-less, here's a transcript of the "Ashes Highlight's package section (first 2:30 of the video):

<PART 1>

Hello Cricket, and welcome to the Zaltzone - Ashes Post-Mortem special.

I am Andy Zaltzman and when I was born, England had only been whitewashed once n a test series. Since I flopped out into the world, it has happened seven more times - twice in the last two years. I'm starting to feel quite guilty.

So to jog your memory, it's time for the Zaltzone Ashes 2013/14 Highlights package, and if you don't want to know the final score - please, look away now.

(...continued in next post, due to 1000 character limit)

Posted by KauKhan on (January 15, 2014, 16:14 GMT)

This was too good! However please make this fun available to those in parts of subcontinent not having gr8 Internet bandwidth! Pls put transcript of the video too.

Posted by electric_loco_WAP4 on (January 15, 2014, 14:48 GMT)

Same here with @yoohoo.Need a script form.

Posted by simon_w on (January 15, 2014, 4:18 GMT)

I would just like to echo 100% the comments of @Manning Bartlett below (although I'm an England fan, so when I concur that the Zaltzone was the best thing about the 13/14 Ashes series, it might not carry quite the same weight...).

Posted by   on (January 15, 2014, 3:01 GMT)

Even more genius. Cannot wait to hear WG Grace's input.

The Zaltzone was single the best thing about the entire Ashes 13/14 series (surpassing the enjoyment of regaining the Ashes).

ESPN - the Zaltzone is the best thing you have on this entire site (which is the best cricket site there is, so that is high praise). More more more!

Posted by yoohoo on (January 14, 2014, 13:43 GMT)

@Cricinfo and @Andy - Please put up a transcript of the video for the people who prefer reading. Not everybody likes to or has the option of watching a video.

Comments have now been closed for this article

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