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Suresh Raina's nephew speaks out

And other declarative statements are made this week

R Rajkumar

Comments: 11 | Text size: A | A
Yuvraj Singh and Suresh Raina celebrate AB de Villiers' wicket, India v South Africa, Super Eights, World Twenty20, Colombo, October 2, 2012
"... and I just bought a frisky pup. You know how dogs are around cellphones or anything with buttons on them" © Associated Press
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Raina's nephew speaks out
Suresh Raina's nephew has broken his silence. After being accused of having used his uncle's phone to tweet a controversial message taunting Pakistan for being kicked out of the World Cup, the little boy of seven confirmed that not only had he been unfairly set up by Raina, but that Uncle isn't stopping there. "He wants me to take the rap for another tweet he wants to write and quickly delete," said the hapless youngster. "It reads: 'Dhoni needs to give up the captaincy already and grow his hair back for the sake of Indian cricket.'

"Come to think of it, I might be willing to take the blame for this one," he added.

Another cricketer injured by falling kitchen sink
Yet another cricketer has been hospitalised by a falling kitchen sink, adding to the recent spate of such injuries occurring during the course of play. While it's been no secret that the increasing frequency of T20 matches has been responsible for more and more batsmen throwing the dangerous plumbing fixture at the cricket ball in the hopes of sending it over the ropes at any cost, the practice is being criticised as the number of injuries continues to rise. In a recent youth match in Afghanistan, to take just one example, a number of young fielders were almost crushed to death by a communal hand basin. And then there was that unfortunate lady in the crowd in Colombo who copped it on the head with a pink ceramic number sent into orbit by Chris Gayle.

"Instead of throwing the kitchen sink at it, we're asking batsmen to choose something gentler," said a spokesman for the ICC, which is looking to create an awareness campaign aimed at highlighting the dangers of using sinks in the game. "We're telling batsmen to throw the kitchen sponge instead."

Pietersen made to sign ex-offenders register
As part of KP's reintegration into Team England "society", rumour has it that he will be made to sign an ex-offenders register. "The good people who live and pass through the England dressing room have the right to know who walks amongst them," said ECB chairman Giles Clarke. "We will be keeping a sharp eye on him for the safety and well-being of innocent England players who are otherwise not able to fend for themselves." To that end, Pietersen will also be required to keep his distance from mobile phones and will have to wear a finger bracelet to monitor his attempts to text.

Indian fan found bleeding red
An Indian fan who cut himself to see if he was bleeding blue has complained to the company sponsoring India's cricket team that he is in fact bleeding deep dark red. "Why they'd think to suggest otherwise I can only imagine,' said the young man, who is considering suing the company for false advertising.

The sponsor, for its part, has released a statement saying that it isn't their fault if Indian fans aren't bleeding blue, and it must mean that they aren't "passionate enough".

"Either that, or the team just sucks," ended the statement.

Gayle dances on, at own risk
Chris Gayle continued to be dangerously unaware of the risk that "Gangnam Style" might be the new "Macarena", and that he might one day look back on his insistence to perform the dance on the field with deep, crushing regret.

"The signs are already there," said noted dance historian and trend analyst Mark Ramprakash. "The dance is starting to show unmistakable signs of late Macarena-stage decay. The sooner Chris realises this, the sooner he can stop the dance and be less likely to embarrass his future grandchildren," he warned.

Umpires to wear abdomen guards when Finn bowls
Umpires have demanded abdomen guards for when Steven Finn bowls, as a "precautionary measure".

"Yeah, the distance between the stumps and where we stand can never be far enough when Finn bowls," said Asad Rauf, crossing his legs reflexively. "Today he's knocking over the stumps. Tomorrow who knows what it might be. Actually, I know what it might be, and yeah… I'm not okay with that."

Choker's tag officially transferred in ceremony
The Choker's tag was officially transferred from South Africa to Sri Lanka in a ceremony to mark the occasion. After some initial confusion brought about by some latent uncertainty as to whether South Africa had done enough to warrant getting rid of the dreaded label, the tag was removed from the gnarled big toe of Jacques Kallis, the one player still active who was a participant of many a memorable choke down the years, and placed on the fast-withering one of Mahela Jayawardene.

"Yeah, it's fair to say we didn't choke this time around," said a relieved Kallis. "To be accused of choking, you have to have been on the cusp of achieving something before failing at the last gasp," he explained. "Luckily, we were nowhere near qualifying for the knockout stages."

R Rajkumar tweets here

All quotes and "facts" in this article are made up, but you knew that already, didn't you?

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© ESPN Sports Media Ltd.

Comments: 11 
Posted by   on (October 13, 2012, 6:52 GMT)

"Yeah, it's fair to say we didn't choke this time around," said a relieved Kallis. "To be accused of choking, you have to have been on the cusp of achieving something before failing at the last gasp," he explained. "Luckily, we were nowhere near qualifying for the knockout stages." LOL

Posted by   on (October 12, 2012, 20:42 GMT)

Wow... Very funny indeed... The 'kitchen sink' and the chokers tag'... great! I need more of your cricketing news!! LOL

Posted by   on (October 12, 2012, 16:33 GMT)

very hilarious...super like

Posted by dalok on (October 12, 2012, 14:48 GMT)

Hilarious!! Loved Raina's nephew and choker transfer the most.

Posted by   on (October 12, 2012, 14:33 GMT)

Its not funny at all.... Very poor quality

Posted by TestOfTime on (October 12, 2012, 13:06 GMT)

This is extremely hilarious. I almost spat out my morning coffee when I started reading this.Kitchen sponge, dance historian Mark Ramprakash.... how do you come up with those things?

Posted by Aq84 on (October 12, 2012, 12:34 GMT)

Another brilliant piece! chokers tag transfer is epic.

Posted by raja9787 on (October 12, 2012, 11:15 GMT)

"Today he's knocking over the stumps. Tomorrow who knows what it might be. Actually, I know what it might be, and yeah… I'm not okay with that." ROFL.. Loved it thoroughly.. keep 'em coming..

Posted by CricketMaan on (October 12, 2012, 10:54 GMT)

SL Chokers transfer...brilliant and apt :)

Posted by 9ST9 on (October 12, 2012, 8:20 GMT)

LOL @ the bleed red part and the chokers tag.

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