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Warne penalised for bloodying pitch

Also: batsman goes to witch doctor to lift commentator's curse, and other delightful news you may have missed

R Rajkumar

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Shane Warne yells at Marlon Samuels, Melbourne Stars v Melbourne Renegades, Big Bash League, MCG, January 6, 2013
"Hand on my heart, I did not start this!" © Getty Images
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Billy Bowden's finger found to be straightening
The ICC has pulled up Billy Bowden for suspicion of straightening the finger he uses to give batsmen out. "After exhaustively studying footage, we can confirm that Billy's finger is extending more than what is considered normal for him," said a spokesman. "This is a clear infringement of the laws of the game."

The ICC has chalked out a programme of rehabilitation for Bowden, who will first be sent to the University of Western Australia for tests. As part of the programme, Bowden will be asked to incorporate into his daily routine a series of one-fingered push-ups.

Warne penalised for bloodying pitch, ball
Shane Warne is in the headlines again, this time for an almighty fracas he may or may not have instigated against Marlon Samuels. Warne has always worn his heart on his sleeve, but has in this instance been penalised for his behaviour and told to at least tuck the bloody organ inside the sleeve from now.

"Aside from dripping blood all over the pitch and the ball, the sight of his heart hanging outside of his body and upon his clothing terrifies players and fans alike," said a spokesperson for the Big Bash League. "This tournament is supposed to be family-friendly and we'd like to keep it that way."

Bowlers use good cop/bad cop routine to make ball talk
A pair of opening bowlers has been discovered using the increasingly prevalent but controversial technique of good cop/bad cop to make the ball talk, according to reports.

In unhelpful conditions for pace bowling, the first fast bowler was observed stroking and shining the ball gently, praising its potential, and letting it know just how important it was to the team. He was periodically replaced by his bowling partner, who was seen making threats to the ball, spitting on it, calling it names, and even at one stage putting out a cigarette against the seam.

"We had that ball talking in no time," the second bowler said, cracking his knuckles. "That canary sang like there was no tomorrow."

Batsman visits witch doctor to remove commentator's curse
A batsman who fell victim to the dreaded commentator's curse has resorted to visiting a witch doctor in the hopes of having it lifted, reports from a dark corner of India say.

Sources confirmed that the exact words of the evil spell that sent the cricketer to his doom were: "Yep, looks as though he'll go on to make a big one today", an imprecation widely known to be incanted by commentators the world over for apparent malicious pleasure.

Back in the village, the young player was invited into a shaman's hut, where he was sprayed with the blood of a freshly killed chicken, spat on by a pre-pubescent child, and asked to mimic Javed Miandad's taunting of Kiran More in the 1992 World Cup in order to remove the curse.

The batsman remains under observation.

Lyon wins Australian Team Idol
Michael Hussey has spoken of the lengthy process involved in picking Nathan Lyon as his successor to sing the team song. "There were a number of elimination rounds which separated the men from the boys," he said. "In the end there were only two worthy contenders remaining, Matthew Wade and Lyon." Lyon eventually won out when he sang his heart out in a rendition of Britney Spears' "Hit Me Baby One More Time", a song he admitted he has had practice singing for the better part of his career.

Man refuses to wear pink for charity
A family man remained steadfast in his refusal to join his friends in wearing pink to the SCG recently in support of the McGrath Foundation's fight against breast cancer.

"There are some colours that just don't belong on a man," said Brad Harrow. "And I'm a man," he added quickly. "Don't get me wrong, I'm as much against cancer as the next guy," Harrow continued, "but pink? Really? Is it asking too much for it to have been a nice, non-threatening colour like blue?" Harrow then suddenly broke into what in his mind was a cleverly improvised version of his favourite song by his favourite artist, Meat Loaf. "I would do anything for charity, but I won't do that," he crooned.

Umpire tries to sell the line that belongs to him
A recently retired umpire has sought to sell the line that he had assumed was his personal property. "I can't believe they're now telling me otherwise, when all my life I've been told that the line belongs to the umpire," complained Simon Taufel. "That sliver of real estate was my insurance," he moaned. "It's worth a lot more today than it was when I first started umpiring. I'd staked my children's education on it. And the dandelion-yellow Porsche 911 isn't going to pay for itself."

Tendulkar refuses VIP treatment at Ranji match
Sachin Tendulkar made it a point to refuse VIP treatment during the Ranji match he played recently as part of his practice for the upcoming Test series against Australia. In the dressing room, for example, Sachin protested repeatedly that he was just "one of the boys", and that as such, it shouldn't matter if his personal masseuse attended to his needs and his needs alone as he sat in the most comfortable chair at hand.

R Rajkumar tweets here

All quotes and "facts" in this article are made up, but you knew that already, didn't you?

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Comments: 3 
Posted by   on (January 11, 2013, 22:54 GMT)

Brilliant ! Especially good cop/bad cop: "We had that ball talking in no time..." Andy Zaltzman had better watch his back, the Little Master has serious competition here ! The top-class humour of both men derives from a deep love, knowledge and understanding of cricket and all its foibles. Long may that continue.

Posted by shrey123 on (January 11, 2013, 16:04 GMT)

OMG!! Billy Bowden's straightening finger!! Spectacular work. Simon trying to sell the line!! Got tired of laughing!! Wish articles like these kept coming.

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