This, that and the other. Mostly the other
Class not always permanent, study finds
In a revolutionary report that threatens to turn the cricketing world as we know it upside down, a team of German sports scientists has determined that the well-worn adage "form is temporary and class is permanent" is not as accurate as it has long been believed to be.
"Like with many great moments in science, me and my team kind of stumbled upon this discovery by accident," explained Dr Hans T Muckenfuss, whose work on "subatomic cricket realit(y/ies)" is increasingly being mentioned in the same breath as Einstein's revolutionary work on relativism. "We were at dinner after another hard day's work at the lab, when we saw Virat Kohli seated at another table. The waiter had just brought him his meal, but when Kohli saw a fingerprint smudge on the plate, he lost his head and started yelling and cursing at the waiter and hurling terrible epithets in what I am sure he was aware is a family establishment.
"Now what's classy about that?"
Afridi applies to play for women's national team
It has been learnt from reliable sources that Shahid Afridi, disappointed and frustrated at being left out of the Pakistan ODI side, has applied to be included in the Pakistan women's World Cup team. Citing Sarah Taylor's upcoming involvement with a men's team at Sussex, Afridi said that it was only fair for men to be allowed to play for women's teams as well.
"Just think what a milestone for men's sport the world over this could be," urged Afridi.
Sarah Taylor stopped from entering men's dressing room
Meanwhile, Sarah Taylor herself has recently inked a deal with the BBC whereby she will share a diary of her experiences with the Sussex 2nd XI. Her first post revealed the challenges women still face in facing up to parochialism in modern sport:
Today I went down to the ground to surprise my future Sussex colleagues, but would you believe it, I wasn't allowed in. It's sickening to experience such a thing in this day and age. I mean, don't the lads wear deodorant?
I should explain: I wasn't allowed into the dressing room because I didn't allow myself to go in. It smelled terrible in there. I mean, I sweat just as much as the next sportsperson, but honestly, what are they feeding these animals?
Tredwell to attract attention at next hair-transplant auction
Various hair-transplant studios have expressed interest in securing the services of England spinner James Tredwell in an upcoming auction, according to well-placed sources. Tredwell is currently in India touring with the England team, and has caught the eye of a number of sponsors with his shining bald pate.
"Let's be honest: it's hard to miss," said a spokesman for the same company that Shane Warne is a brand ambassador for.
"The hair-transplant auctions are major events, and present great opportunities for cricketers," said Harsha Bhogle. "Tredwell is lucky that his talent has been spotted, as not many English players can claim to have done the same in recent years." Tredwell stands to be one of very few Englishmen to be a part of the auction, which has seen the likes of Jacques Kallis, Doug "The Rug" Bollinger and others go on to represent major studios with varying degrees of success.
Cameraman fired for focusing on unattractive person
A professional cameraman has been fired for dereliction of duty after he failed to pick out and focus on enough beautiful women from the crowd during a recent telecast. "We strive to maintain a top-heavy ratio of attractive/foreign people to unattractive/local people in every match, and this guy skewed that perfect imbalance by repeatedly focusing on a group of local fans from the villages nearby," said a spokesman for the broadcasting company. "Who wants to watch that?"
Company refuses to sponsor Michael Beer
One of Australia's main sponsors has revealed it is reluctant to sponsor Michael Beer, as it does not want to be associated with a player who shares his name with a popular alcoholic beverage. Citing the case of South Africa's Hashim Amla, who refused to wear the name of the team's main sponsor because it was a brewing company, and doing so would be against his beliefs, the Australian sponsor said, "Actually, the comparison doesn't even make sense." The sponsor has nevertheless urged Cricket Australia to withdraw Michael Beer, or have his name legally changed "to something safe and neutral like Clarence or Gilmore".
Melbourne Renegade players avoid making a "getting his eye in" joke
Members of the Melbourne Renegades team have revealed that it took all they could and more not to tease Marlon Samuels that he'd gone about it the wrong way in "getting his eye in" after a freak injury to his eye socket in a recent match.
"The perfect opportunity presented itself for just such a joke, but none of us rose to the bait," said proud coach Simon Helmot. "Of course, we laughed our asses off later, when he wasn't around," he added.
R Rajkumar tweets here
All quotes and "facts" in this article are made up, but you knew that already, didn't you?
Tell us what you think. Send us your feedback
© ESPN Sports Media Ltd.