Exclusive: In an international first, renowned ESPNcricinfo columnist and well-known male model Sidin Vadukut employed an experienced lip reader to carefully monitor conversations between Indian players during their match against South Africa in the Super Eights of the World Twenty20, in the course of which India established their superiority over the… cough, cough, racking cough from blocked air passage… South Africans.

Shortly before the innings commenced
Balaji: MS! If you want, I can open the innings with a burst of explosive bowling…
Dhoni and Raina and Yuvraj and Rohit and Gambhir: Ha ha ha ha ha ha
Sehwag: Good idea, Balaji.
Harsha: Rift in the team?
Virat: *Expletive*

After third over, shortly before Pathan took Kallis' wicket
Virat: Come on, boys! Come on, boys! We can do this! We can qualify for the semis *expletive*!…
Dhoni: Yes boys! Come on! Even if it looks highly unlikely that we will qualify, what with that rain during the Australia game that basically stole our chances away from us, we must still strive...

Immediately after Kallis' wicket
Sehwag: I think I have hurt my ankle and should leave the pitch now. I am going to go and take some physiotherapy in Chris Gayle's room.
Ashwin: This is why I am always saying that it is best to not run unless absolutely necessary.

After seventh over
Rohit to Dhoni: MS, this might be the right time to let one of our young, talented part-time bowlers rattle the Saffers with a quick wicket through some talented bowling with high potential…
Dhoni: Yuvraj?
Rohit: No.
Dhoni: Virat?
Rohit: No. Someone with talent and potential.
Dhoni: You want to bowl?
Rohit: If you insist…

After eighth over
Virat: *Expletive* Rohit *expletive* *expletive* *Quite possibly an expletive but does not seem physically possible*

Moments after Yuvraj takes du Plessis' wicket
Triumphant Yuvraj running towards square leg: *Animal roar*
Raina: *Animal roar*
Yuvraj running away from square leg: *Expletive*

During the 13th over
Dhoni: Everyone stay back to prevent the boundaries.
Ashwin: But we should be bringing in the field to prevent singles and keep the pressure on…
Dhoni: Sorry, Ashwin, I didn't hear that clearly. You were saying that I should bring King in the field to cement singles and…
Ashwin: Ha ha ha ha. Ayyo MS! Ha ha ha. I was saying that this field setting is perfect…

After Duminy sweeps to midwicket in the 14th over
Raina: Come on, Zaheer, run Zaheer, come on, come on, restrict them to one, come on, restrict them to… come on, yaar, come on, come on, come on…
Zaheer: One second.

Before the 15th over
Rohit: MS, if you ask me how I would use my talent and potential in this particular cricketing scenario…
Dhoni: Virat!
Virat: *Expletive* Rohit *expletive*
Dhoni: Thanks, Virat.

During the 17th over just after South Africa overtakes India's total of 121 runs
Tendulkar: This is very disappointing…
Pathan: Who said that?
Ashwin: But he is not here, then how is this possible??
Balaji: He is everywhere…
Virat: *Expletive*

After fifth ball of 20th over, when Balaji bowled Morne Morkel
Balaji: This is Spartaaaaaaaa…
Ashwin: *Expletive*
Pathan: *Expletive*
Gambhir: *Expletive*
Rohit: *Expletive*
Yuvraj: *Expletive*
Raina: *Expletive*
Virat: What a terribly disconsolate state of affairs this is...

Sidin Vadukut is a columnist and editor with Mint, and the author of the Dork trilogy. Who Let the Dork Out? releases in October