What's the best way of for me to tamper with a ball without anyone noticing? asks reverse-swing rookie
Well, I suppose you could cut the bottom out of one of your pockets, and then not wear any undies, but if you can't go for a few hours without... Wait on, you mean a cricket ball? Oh, well that's another thing entirely.

I mean, it's cheating. Which, I'll admit, I've covered before.

So you could attach a bit of velcro to the outside of your pants to mess up the seam a bit, or glue sandpaper to the inside of the keeper's gloves, or make like a gormless fast bowler and stand on the ball a few times. This won't give you much control over your ball-tampering, and really, you're probably still going to get caught. So you might as well just tamper with a different ball if you get the urge.

If Jadeja and Anderson were to be cast in a remake of a Hollywood blockbuster, which one would be the most appropriate? asks H Weyn Steyn
West Side Story.

Well, that's if you want to go with star-crossed, opposing social forces, and musical. Can either of those men sing?

If you want to go with star-crossed, opposing social forces and dramatic, then Brokeback Mountain. (NB: I'm sensing a theme for this column: "Cricket, it's a bit homoerotic innit?")

Or, if we want to go with star-crossed, opposing social forces, and just completely terrible, Twilight. It'd be one way to get tweenage girls interested in cricket.

But no, in all seriousness, West Side Story. Someone make that happen. Bollywood, I'm looking at you.

What does Gary Ballance's shirtless dance at a club after the Trent Bridge Test say about the post-KP England? asks Strippin Dale
Possibly that on departure KP took all of the mirrors from the team changing rooms with him, because really, no one wants to see Gary Ballance with his shirt off, and the general public should have been warned beforehand. Only a man who has no idea of what he looks like thinks that anyone wants to see his gut while they're trying to have a boogie. Unless he's in a particular type of club. Which he wasn't - the Daily Mail article would have been much more entertaining if he was.

It may also prove that the England set-up cannot function without one African-born batsman with an attitude and/or drinking problem at any time.

But it definitely says that we no longer have to refer to any English cricketer by his initials, because clearly even "Gary" doesn't conjure up such gormless, uncool images as the name Kevin.

I'm in charge of preparing a pitch for the England-India Tests? Any advice on what to do? asks Grazzi Noel
Get a new job.

I mean, look at your life man, look at your choices. You're working a job which has actually been advertised with: "Hit your career for six - get on the grass." Charlie the Cat is very disappointed in you right now. Not angry, just very disappointed.

What do captains mean when they "plenty of positives to take" after a defeat? asks press conference junkie
They mean that while their overall performance was dismal their team occasionally did things right - a batsman may have hit the ball, a bowler may have taken one or two wickets, the fielders may have appealed successfully once, and their celebrations may have been appropriately cheerful. Perhaps all of the high-fives connected and no one was left looking like a fool, or getting slapped in the face.

Really, it's what captains tell themselves after they lose to help them sleep at night. The other option they have is to admit the truth to themselves and the media, and turn to whisky to drown out their demons, like the rest of us have to.

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Trish Plunket is a grumpy old man. Except she's not old. Or a man