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The Long Handle

Only when I bowl the doosra!

Saeed Ajmal goes to the doctor after coming down with a nasty case of the chucks

Andrew Hughes
Andrew Hughes
Saeed Ajmal had a review turned down, Pakistan v Sri Lanka, 3rd Test, Sharjah, 1st day, January 16, 2014

"Did you hear the one about the inebriated chucker? After an all-night bender, he couldn't see straight"  •  AFP

Episode One
Dr Kink: Ah, good morning Mr Ajmal.
Saeed: Where am I?
Dr Kink: Do not be alarmed. You have had a strong dose of bad publicity. You will feel better presently.
Saeed: Who are you?
Dr Kink: I am Gustav Kink, senior Chuckologist at the Elbow Reorientation Clinic, here at St Throwers Hospital
Saeed: So it wasn't a dream!
Dr Kink: Ho, ho, my little teesra merchant, no it was not. I am afraid you have come down with a nasty case of the chucks and you've been entrusted to my care.
Saeed: For how long? There's a World Cup coming up! My country needs me!
Dr Kink: Don't agitate yourself my good fellow, that isn't the case. In fact, since Tuesday, your country has decided that on reflection, they don't need you at all.
Saeed: But who will be our frontline spinner?
Dr Kink: Relax, my friend, there are plenty of highly qualified spinners who can fill in for you. There's Abdur Rehman, of course, and I hear they are considering giving Shahid Afridi the lead spin-bowling role this winter.
Saeed: Afridi! No! Doctor, I have to get out of here, my country's World Cup campaign is in danger!
Dr Kink: Calm yourself, Mr Ajmal, or I'll have to get nurse Vaughan to administer another tweet.
Saeed: Please anything but that! The banter is so painful.
Dr Kink: That's true, it can be painful, although I've never come across anyone so naturally gifted at inducing unconsciousness as nurse Vaughan.
Saeed: Doctor, you have to help me. It's a conspiracy.
Dr Kink: Of course it is.
Saeed: The FBI are involved, I'm sure of it. And Ian Bell. And the BCCI. And Miley Cyrus. No, I'll tell you what happened. CIA agents must have broken into my house and replaced my arm with a malfunctioning bionic one. That's why it doesn't hurt when I punch solid objects. Look.
Saeed punches the wall
Saeed: Ow! My hand! My spinning fingers!
Dr Kink: I wouldn't worry too much, Mr Ajmal, you won't be using them for a while. Now, we're going to conduct a short psychological observation test. I will hold up an object and you will tell me whether it is straight or bent.
Saeed: Got it.
Dr Kink: Good. Here is the first object. (He holds up a ruler)
Saeed: Straight.
Dr Kink: Excellent. And this? (He holds up a banana)
Saeed: Straight.
Dr Kink: I see. And what about this? (He holds up a boomerang)
Saaed: Straight, definitely. Straight as a corkscrew.
Dr Kink: Hmmm, I'm beginning to see the extent of the problem.
Saeed: So is that it, am I cured?
Dr Kink: I'm afraid not, Mr Ajmal, your case is one of the most severe I've seen in 30 years as a Chuckologist. You will have to remain with us a little while longer. But don't worry. We will make you very comfortable here. Nurse!
Nurse: What's up?
Dr Kink: Please stop tweeting and escort Mr Ajmal here to the ward.
Nurse: There's no room. The place is rammed with chuckers.
Dr Kink: He can have Mr Shillingford's bed. And while you're down there, introduce him to Mr Senanayake and Mr Williamson.
Nurse: Right you are. Come on then, son, let's get you wheeled down to the ward. I've got a joke for you, you'll like this. A Pakistani bowler gets banned for chucking and he goes to his coach and he says…
Saeed: Do you mind? I find that joke personally offensive.
Nurse: Suit yourself. I were just saying. Well, maybe I could give you one of my golf anecdotes. There was me, Swanny and Tuffers on the third tee at St Andrews, and Swanny turns to me and says...
Saeed: No, please the pain is unbearable! Make it stop!

Andrew Hughes is a writer currently based in England. He tweets here