Operation: Extraction Ajmal
In episode two of Tuk-Tuk and Boom-Boom, Lahore PD, a cunning plot is hatched
Andrew Hughes
20-Sep-2014
"Saeed and Sohail, your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to give Misbah an atomic wedgie" • AFP
Episode Two
In a dingy office in the basement of Lahore PD, the T20 squad has assembled. They sit nervously, awaiting the arrival of their senior officer. Suddenly the door is smashed down and a man with impeccably brushed hair leaps into the room brandishing a semi-legal semi-automatic weapon.
Afridi: Everybody freeze! Ha! Just kidding! Guess what! Boom-Boom is back!
Murmurs of trepidation pass around the room
Afridi: That's right, everyone. Police Chief Waqar has put me in charge of this operation. So from now on we're going to throw away the rulebooks.
Umar Akmal is flicking through a rule book. Afridi grabs it from him, throws it into the air and peppers the rule book with bullets. Everyone ducks.
Afridi: Forget everything you've been taught. This isn't like the Test team, where we have to plod along at tuk-tuk speed. We have to be courageous! Fearless! Insane! Sohail!
Sohail Tanvir is so startled he nearly falls off his chair.
Sohail: What sir?
Afridi: You know what I did this morning on the way to the office?
Sohail: No sir.
Afridi: I went to the zoo.
Sohail: But the zoo isn't open to visitors at this time of day, sir.
Afridi: That's right, Sohail, it isn't. But I didn't care. I'm not a chicken-hearted play-it-by-the-rules kind of guy. I scaled the fence, knocked out the security guards, broke into the lion enclosure, woke up the lion and stuck my head in the lion's mouth. And let me tell you: that lion's breath stank. But I didn't care. Because I'm fearless. What am I?
All: Fearless
Afridi: That's right. I am fearless and so are you. Tomorrow we will be jumping off the roof of the Gaddafi Stadium with no parachutes and the last one down is…
There is a polite knock. The broken door creaks open, then falls off its hinges. Detective Misbah enters.
Afridi: What do you want?
Misbah: Chief Waqar asked me to look in, to see if you'd resigned yet.
Afridi: That was the old Afridi. This is the new Afridi. I don't resign until the job is done, or until I get bored, whichever comes first. And this is my operation.
Misbah: Carry on, Detective Afridi, I will just sit at the back. You won't know I'm here.
Afridi: Good. Now, can anyone tell me where the World Cup is being held?
Umar: Australia.
Afridi: Correct.
There is the sound of polite coughing from the back of the room
Afridi: What is it Detective Misbah?
Misbah: In fact, the tournament is being hosted jointly by Australia and New Zealand.
Afridi: Whatever. Now, what do we know about Australia? Anyone?
Shoaib Malik: It's easy for journeymen T20 players to bag a lucrative contract there?
Afridi: Yes, but as well as that, Australia is full of dangerous creatures like these:
Detective Afridi presses a button. A slide of Shane Warne appears
Afridi: Hang on, that's the wrong one.
A slide of a kangaroo appears
Afridi: These deadly creatures roam the streets of Australia. Take a good look.
More coughing from the back of the room
Afridi: What now?
Misbah: In fact, the kangaroo is a relatively harmless animal…
Afridi: Whatever, Misbah. This is a tournament for young, virile, fearless, non-chicken-hearted types so keep quiet. Now, this is our target.
A slide of Misbah's face appears with a curly drawn-on moustache, horns and a missing tooth
Afridi: No, I mean this is our target.
A slide of a dingy-looking correctional facility in Dubai appears
Afridi: This is the building where Saeed Ajmal is being held captive by the ICC. We need to break in, free Saeed, overturn the entire testing procedure, successfully sue the ICC, win the appeal, and have him on a flight to Australia by late January.
Misbah: Detective Afridi, the chances of successfully extricating Saeed and clearing him to play in time for the World Cup are about ten million to one.
Afridi: Ten million to one, eh! I like those odds! Who's with me! For freedom!
Detective Afridi runs out the room, waving his gun and shouting. No one follows. Umar leans across to his brother Kamran
Umar: We're pulling our hamstrings to get out of this, right?
Kamran: Definitely.
Andrew Hughes is a writer currently based in England. He tweets here