Ian Bell: England hero

The England dressing hut at Bristol was a sombre place. Only Ian Bell appeared in good spirits. The exciting Warwickshire talent had attached small speakers to his iPhone G4 (special silver limited Miley Cyrus Signature edition) and was dancing in front of the mirror, singing Bonnie Tyler's "I Need A Hero" using a plastic water bottle (one of 756 brought out onto the field of play during the England innings) as a microphone.

"Sit down now Belly," said Andrew Strauss. "Matron will be here directly to take a look at your toe and I dare say there may be a choc ice or something if you don't make a fuss."

"I did it, Straussy," said Bell. "Everyone questioned Ian Bell's temperament and wondered if he was too lightweight and mentally fragile to be a key part of this talented England line-up. But Ian Bell showed them all right."

Strauss sighed. "God, what a day. Still, I suppose at least I won't have to answer any questions about whether England are now one of the world's top one-day sides for the foreseeable future."

"I expect the nation will be desperately praying for Ian Bell's return to the line-up, like what happened with Beckham and his metatalcum… Meltatatoe… Melbatarka… Like with his foot," said Bell.

"I expect they will, Belly," said Strauss. "Especially if poor old RavBop is as hopeless as last time."

The hut door was flung open. A towering presence strode in.

"Which foot is it, Bell?" asked Sir Ian Botham. Bell gestured. Botham stamped on the foot.

"I just don't know what's going on out there," said Botham. "In my day, you played with a broken foot and still had the energy for 106 pints of lager at lunchtime and a good old-fashioned fight at tea."

Bell hopped in pain. Botham considered for a minute.

"How many Test wickets did you get?" he asked.

"Er, what?" asked Bell.

Botham, apparently satisfied, kicked him hard in the other leg. Bell collapsed on the floor. Botham laughed, and left.

"Don't worry lads," said Belly. "Top banter! That's how we England heroes go on, you see."

He struggled to his feet, but fell again. Jonathan Trott carefully scratched a line on the floor where Bell lay. Bell sobbed softly. Edgbaston soon, but not for this England hero.