KP's gotta do what KP's gotta do

Kevin Pietersen gathered the team around him.

"Boys," he said. "It's only fair to tell you that I am ready to go back to England at a moment's notice."

"When we get knocked out in the first round by Turkmenistan, you mean?" asked Jimmy Anderson. "Cos I heard they've got some useful cricketers and are not to be underestimated on their day."

"No, not that," said KP. "It's my agent. He's about to produce a really important sponsorship deal back home and I may need to be by his side at this vital moment in both our lives."

"If I'm out there batting and I get the call that Morrisons need a new face for their TV adverts, or a BMW dealership in Swindon is looking for a spokesman, then I am afraid KP is going to have to do what's right for KP."

The lads nodded in agreement.

"Fair play to you, KP," said Paul Collingwood. "I've never forgiven myself for scoring 206 at Adelaide when I could of been at home watching the Polish Open golf championship on Eurosport 2 with me kids."

"They made me bowl for England when I could have been playing Championship Manager or bantering with Swanny on the Twitter," said Anderson sadly. "I don't think people realise the sacrifices we make."

There was a murmur of agreement and sympathetic muttering in Afrikaans. KP continued.

"I don't want to look back at my career when I am old and think 'I wish I had been there for the opening of that supermarket in Rochester' or 'I should have been there to see my agent take the first tiny tentative steps to inking a new deal with Bernard Matthews' Turkey-Style Roast Meat-Effect Products, but instead I was stuck up at the other end watching one of our batsmen try and get it off the square when we needed 25 an over against Bangladesh or something'."

"But people will say, 'How could you pass up the opportunity to play for your country?'" said Ryan Sidebottom.

"Or somebody else's country," said Craig Kieswetter, as the South African contingent nodded in approval.

"For once in my life, I've got to put myself first," said KP. "I owe it to my future generations, and my future bank balance. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a plane to catch."