Blatter joins ICC's Elite Panel of umpires

Taking time out from his tireless quest to rid the world of vol-au-vents, prawn sandwiches and footballing corruption, cuddly authority figure and soon-to-be-ex-FIFA-president Sepp Blatter today confirmed he was to be Billy Bowden's replacement on the ICC's Elite Panel of officials. Despite admitting he had "no knowledge of cricket whatsoever", Blatter said he was perfect for a new career as an international umpire because he specialised in the art of "being in a position of great power, ultimately just standing around doing very little for long periods of time".

Due to relinquish his FIFA presidency early next year, a bullish Blatter said he couldn't wait to stand in the 2016 World T20 in India, though he still remained optimistic he could get the tournament switched to Greenland. "I can't pretend it's been an easy couple of weeks," he said, speaking from ICC headquarters. "But with all this Qatar controversy, all I really want to do is just forget about allegations of financial impropriety involving a country in the Middle East. That's why I'm absolutely delighted to be here in Dubai with Mr Srinivasan. It's a complete change of scene.

"Sure, I've got my reservations about working in cricket - I've been told the lunches only last 40 minutes - but I've already started to acquaint myself with some of the skills required for my new career in umpiring. It's quite a coincidence, actually. Only the other day I saw my FIFA colleagues practising how to signal a six when the FBI burst in and pointed their guns at them. I'm pretty sure I'll soon get the hang of it."

For his part, ICC chairman N Srinivasan explained the thinking behind the apparently left-field decision to make Blatter an international umpire: "Sepp brings a wealth of sporting expertise to his new role, and to be honest, he's the only person on earth who makes my running of a sport look quite nifty. For that reason alone, I'm absolutely delighted he's on board."

Keen to impose his ferocious code of ethics on cricket in the same way he has on football, Blatter also announced he had a few ideas on how he would be trying to "clean up" the game:

1) A ban on players removing their tops to celebrate a victory
Although it was pointed out to Blatter this was not a major issue in cricket, the Swiss hinted that with the recent appointment of the man he termed Monsieur Dada to the BCCI's new advisory panel, he would be remaining vigilant. "You can't be too careful about this sort of thing", he explained.

2) A strict clampdown on any form of ill-discipline and foul play.
"I'll be introducing a new system here," Blatter said. "If a player shows dissent, he'll receive a yellow card. If he bowls a deliberate beamer, he'll receive a red card. If he bowls a deliberate no-ball, he'll receive a brown envelope. Though I believe cricket already has something very similar in place."

3) A new review system for all matches involving Ireland
"I'm told this is again quite a rare occurrence, but if an opposition batsman handles the ball against Ireland and yet isn't given out, the Irish captain will be offered an incentive not to cause a fuss by appealing the decision via DRS. This incentive will be a small payment of five million euros."

Though he has won approval for the audacity of some of his proposed innovations, many fans remain unconvinced Blatter will prove to be an adequate replacement for human semaphore Bowden. One supporter voiced the concerns of many: "Sepp Blatter is an ostentatious man who likes being at the centre of attention but who nevertheless often misses what's going on right under his nose. How anyone can think he'll be a suitable replacement for Billy Bowden is, frankly, a complete and utter mystery."