England to give the World Cup a miss

After a comprehensive defeat in the first ODI of the tri-series against hosts Australia, England let out a big sigh and today announced they "just couldn't be bothered" going to the World Cup. Despite hopes the so-termed "Newish Era" under recently appointed captain Eoin Morgan might be more successful, head coach Peter Moores confirmed the side would be withdrawing from the game's premier tournament because "having consulted widely with supporters who don't use social media, we've concluded that as a country we simply don't give a monkey's about ODIs and haven't done so for 20 years." Some analysts have suggested that large parts of the British cricketing public snootily looking down on the one-day format for so long may have contributed to the national side's perpetually poor performances.

Although the news was greeted with disappointment and consternation in some quarters - not least in the countries due to face England in the pool stages - back home it was met with a combination of sadness and apathy, but, in the main, apathy. Speaking from atop a couple of bar stools in The Dog and Duck in Norwich, two regular patrons summed up the national mood:

"Hear we've pulled out of the cricket World Cup, Dave?"

"Oh, have we, Nige? Which one's that?"

"The ODI one, Dave."

"Oh, all that pyjama rubbish, Nige."

"Yeah, all that pyjama rubbish. I liked that Freddie Flintoff. Is he still playing, Dave?"

"Nah, Nige. He retired ages ago. You won't see him getting involved in all that pyjama rubbish."

"No, Dave, absolutely. What time does the football start?"

Morgan himself said his side would fulfil their current tri-series obligations - insisting that his team were "desperately trying to work out a way to deny India the bonus point" - but, with typical frankness, admitted the decision to withdraw from the World Cup was probably for the best: "Let's be honest. Even after we rejigged an entire international schedule so we could be better prepared, we're still going into the tournament with a side about as settled as the stomach of a man who's just eaten a four-day-old burrito and washed it down with a pint of pineapple liqueur." ECB sources later suggested the England captain was "outside cricket and a bit foreign".

The move - while being termed by many as "the kindest thing" and "a dignified, cricketing euthanasia" - has thrown the World Cup into chaos and initiated a frantic search for a substitute for England with just a few weeks to go until the tournament starts. A premier Associate team who failed to qualify such as Netherlands could be asked to fill the void, but the ICC has hinted that, in light of the decision to play the 2019 tournament only between India, Australia and England, such an invitation could "set a worrying precedent about cricket being a global meritocracy". As such, a number of other replacements for Morgan's side have been suggested. These include:

Eleven traffic cones
Kevin Pietersen and ten tattooists
David Ginola
The cast of Birdman (Michael Keaton to open, due to being regarded as one of the leading batmen of his generation)

The ICC was yet to confirm which one would get the nod, but in a tweet showcasing a new tongue piercing in the shape of the Melbourne skyline, Kevin Pietersen insisted he was "100% ready to not play for England at the World Cup." Alastair Cook was unavailable for comment, but was possibly shaking his head forlornly somewhere.