Five gadgets cricket needs

Thirty-nine degrees. Thirty-seven degrees. Forty-one degrees. When you're having your action tested by the ICC, you ideally don't want the results to come back sounding like the daily weather forecast for Dubai. Such was the fate that befell Saeed Ajmal last week, however, and although the list of bendy-jointed, flexy-elbowed tweaker felons has been growing faster than you can say "Long sleeves in this heat?", the Pakistan offspinner is such an iconic and loved player, the news he suffers from an acute angle problem caused quite a shock.

Still, alongside this bombshell, the ICC also hinted at an exciting technological development to help both Ajmal and cricket as a whole. There was inevitably initial speculation this meant Billy Bowden had at last worked out how to turn on the TV in the third umpire's room, but the truth transpired to be even more groundbreaking: the introduction of an electronic tracking sensor to be fitted to bowlers' arms above and below the elbow to monitor whether their delivery flex is within the permitted limit. The same equipment is apparently also used to record data from car crashes, which should make it particularly accurate the next time Ajmal bowls at English batsmen on the subcontinent.

This is a welcome and exciting move from the ICC, but if arch-techophobe N Srinivasan is now leading cricket into a brave new era of scientific innovation, here are five more gadgets and gizmos that could additionally be introduced to improve the game:

1) The Pavlovian Broad Dart
No one wants to limit Stuart Broad's efforts to become the undisputed king of cricketing pantomime villainy, but some of his antics are beyond the pale even for diehard fans of the Teutonic-eyed non-walker. Chief among these are his incessant appeals for lbws in instances where the ball is subsequently shown to have been more likely to hit Jupiter than the stumps. In future, when such cases are identified by Hawk-Eye, a small heat-seeking dart - irritating rather than painful - shall be shot into Broad's left calf as a classic conditioning deterrent. It can be launched by whichever Sky commentator is available to press the "Fire" button, though inside sources suggest Andrew Strauss, Broad's captain for many years, is particularly keen to have first go at trialling the system.

2) The Afridi Mindmapper
A neurological device, mainly for the benefit of Captain Misbah in ODIs, the Afridi Mindmapper basically monitors the status of the wayward allrounder's brain, sending his captain's new Apple Watch one of three distinct readings: 1) "Mature elder statesman", 2) "Absent", or 3) "Peckish". In the first mode, Misbah can rest easy his maverick firebrand will guide Pakistan home in a tricky chase with a maturity that may even involve a cover drive along the ground for a single; in the second, by far the most common, the reading suggests a Boom Boom implosion is imminent, requiring a calming word and/or straitjacket; when the third status is shown, Misbah should on no account throw Afridi the ball.

3) Mankad Morality Blinkers
When Sachithra Senanayake mankaded Jos Buttler earlier this year, many feared it would lead to a spate of copycat killings by young players, threatening the very fabric of the game, and indeed society at large. The fabric of both somehow survived unripped, but to be on the safe side in future, all minors attending any professional match shall wear electric blinkers - connected by Bluetooth to the foot of the non-striker's bat - which will immediately close shut in front of their impressionable young eyes should the said batsman have backed up too far and put himself at risk of a Mankad. This may mean children miss large portions of entire games for no reason whatsoever, but the alternative is too awful to contemplate.

4) The Bionic Cook Strike Rate Jumpsuit
Instead of whinging their captain is going too slowly in ODIs, England fans will now be able to control the limbs of Alastair Cook by placing him inside this state-of-the-art, tailormade bionic jumpsuit. If at any stage of a match the watchful opener's strike rate falls below 0.75, one lucky fan sitting at home will automatically be put in charge of Cook's arms and legs via their Xbox, allowing them to launch the England captain into a series of expansive drives, Dilscoops and - for the mischievous - flamboyant flamingos.

5) The Rayudu Mannequin
Are you one of the greatest finishers in cricket history? Need 17 off the final over to win a T20 but keep being put off by the in-form batsman out in the middle with you giving you a hurt look every time you refuse a single to put him on strike? If so, why not try the all-new Rayudu Mannequin, a life-size model of your not-to-be-relied-on team-mate leaning on his bat at the non-striker's end? Made by a trusted manufacturer from the finest cement in all India, this 500kg mass isn't going anywhere, so just swap it for the real Ambati when no one's looking and you'll be free to finish off your tough chase with no distractions!