Srinivasan to buy the Olympics

This article is a work of fiction

Following the news he will have to sell Chennai Super Kings to allow the franchise to stay in the IPL, India Cements owner and benevolent overlord of world cricket N Srinivasan today announced he would use the money to "buy the Olympics". With pressure mounting for cricket to be included in the games after the recommendation of the MCC World Cricket Committee coupled with Srinivasan's domestic influence being further diminished by the Lodha committee's findings, the ICC chairman is looking increasingly powerless, a situation described by Giles Clarke as "heartbreaking" and everybody else as "really super".

The Chennai monolith has therefore moved to firm up his position by purchasing the Olympics for "$50 billion plus a signed thigh pad from Ravi Jadeja". The International Olympic Committee is said to be seriously considering the offer, though it is believed to also want a pair of Ashish Nehra's socks thrown in for good measure.

Speaking from his underground bunker in Dubai, a defiant Mr Srinivasan explained the thinking behind his proposal: "Obviously in the past here at the ICC we have opposed cricket's inclusion in the Olympics for many sound reasons - such as that the medals might clash with Chris Gayle's existing bling, and, well, many other reasons so obvious they don't need to be reiterated. But times change, and unfortunately thanks to the short-sightedness of both Justice Lodha and the MCC, cricket faces the very real possibility of me not having my finger in every single pie going.

"I am not a vain man, but it is hard to imagine the game continuing without me, so I have decided to take this step to ensure I'm at the helm should the IOC agree to include my, er, our, glorious sport at their summer event."

Although Mr Srinivasan further asserted he was "not the sort of person who likes meddling in everything", sources close to the CSK boss suggested there were a few minor tweaks he would be making to the world's oldest sporting gala if he managed to complete the deal. Exact details remain sketchy, but the changes are believed to include the following:

1) The Olympic torch to be carried from the outskirts of Chennai to the centre of Chennai regardless of where the event is actually being held.

2) The Olympic flame - positioned in Chennai - to be replaced by an effigy of Aditya Verma that will burn throughout the games.

3) The opening ceremony to be choreographed by Dwayne Bravo. Any athlete in attendance found not to be enjoying this delightfully self-deprecating dancing shall be forced to remain at the ceremony and listen to Dwayne Bravo perform one of his popular musical hits.

4) The five Olympic rings to be increased to ten to represent every nation Mr Srinivasan will invite to compete at the games.

5) The javelin event to undergo a minor rejigging whereby members of the Mudgal Committee will be positioned as "catchers".

6) The archery competition to include a similar element of human interaction. In this instance, the target shall be replaced by Haroon Lorgat with a dartboard strapped to his back.

7) The Olympic motto to be changed from "Faster, higher, stronger" to "Get those dancing shoes on".

While accepting the situation was a little unprecedented, an IOC spokesman suggested that the proposal from the ICC chairman was certainly not being dismissed entirely out of hand. "It would be rather unusual for our entire event to be owned by a private individual," he said. "But in recent years we've sold our souls to the Chinese government and President Putin, so I'm sure we can work with Mr Srinivasan. In that context, he's actually quite a lovely chap."