Mr Pietersen is not quitting

Saturday, 12th February It was a false alarm, folks. KP is not quitting! Earlier in the week, tabloid newspapers alleged that he was about to retire from Twitter altogether in order to spend more time playing cricket. But today he confirmed that his commitment to regularly updating the world on the tedious minutiae of his life remains as strong as ever.

Despite a recent decline in the quality of his Tweets, few would contest that at his best he remains one of the most prolific Twits around. And ahead of the World Cup he has been putting in the hard yards with Stephen Fry in an attempt to widen his vocabulary and develop a more tactful Twitter technique.

“Stephen’s got a lot of good ideas, considering how old and fat he is. I’ve taken a lot of his advice on board and to thank him for his help, KP is determined to be twice as good a Twitterer than what he will ever be.”

Sunday, 13th February World Cup co-hosts Bangladesh are leaving nothing to chance. Having eradicated beggars from the streets, slapped a curfew on motorists with tatty cars and arrested shop owners who refuse to repaint their premises in the tournament brand colours (aquamarine, tangerine and mauve) they are putting the finishing touches to their preparations by having Dhaka relocated. A government spokesman explained:

“We found that the view from some of the better hotels would be slightly more pleasant if the city was positioned about 100 yards to the right.”

Builders have begun demolishing the entire city and moving it down the road where it will be rebuilt brick-by-brick in a far more salubrious location. Dhaka residents will be rehoused for the duration in a comfortable tented village area a mere 200 miles away, where they will be able to keep in touch with the World Cup by listening to their official World Cup radios (on sale now at just $2000 apiece!).

Monday, 14th February Ricky is back and has wasted little time in hitting his grumbling straps, getting in some quality whingeing about the state of Indian soil. Apparently it gets quite dry out there, on account of the sun. Yes, it’s true, and what’s more, when Indian soil is dry it can go all weird and cracky and these cracks make it easier for spiners to make the ball spin, which is pretty damn unfair as Australia haven’t brought any spinners with them.

In the same game Sreesanth demonstrated that he’s still got it, though no one is entirely sure what it is or whether he shouldn’t get it looked at. After failing to get the Australian captain out, Sreesanth stood in the middle of the pitch calling him names before attempting a Vulcan salute whilst moonwalking back to his mark. MS Dhoni defended Sree, saying that unpredictable idiocy was an integral part of his game and if you took that away from him, he wouldn’t be half as much fun at parties.

And Sree isn’t the only pace bowler hitting the headlines. Australia’s blondest billboard has been whetting our appetite for the feast of cricket ahead by telling us all about an exciting new development that will transform our enjoyment of the game and inspire millions of youngsters to try to be like their hero. I’m talking about the Castrol Ratings, produced by Castrol, the lubricant salesmen. What’s that, Brett?

“Their initiatives in the digital space are really innovative.”

Yes, thanks, Brett, most informative. With a down-to-earth comment like that you’ve certainly put an end to those rumours that you were long ago replaced by a sponsored android with impossibly white dental fittings. But this nasty little dribble of corporate gobbledegook isn’t the worst of it. Apparently Brett and his band, the Ill-Fitting Jeans have recorded a song that will be played at every World Cup match.

Oh, the humanity.