Gayle uncool for three seconds

China objects to "chinaman"
Well, it has finally happened. China has protested against the use of the term "chinaman" to describe slow left-arm bowling of a certain ilk. "It's orientalism at its most insidious," said the president of the Chinese Cricket Association. "Just because a West Indian with Chinese blood was the first to bowl something exotic and otherworldly doesn't mean you have to call it that. Hell, we don't call the switch hit the 'Kolpak', do we?"

Pregnant silence gives birth to healthy, if guttural, utterance
The pregnant silence that existed between West Indies coach Ottis Gibson and Chris Gayle has finally given birth to a guttural utterance, which, according to reports, appears to be have been made in rude health. The silence, after months of protracted labor, finally delivered towards the end of the one-off T20 against England, when Gayle returned to the pavilion after scoring 2. In the interests of privacy, the words themselves have been kept a secret, but rumour has it that they are triplets, and that the first letters of each add up to FML.

BCCI can't afford DRS
The BCCI has revealed that the reason they are dead set against the DRS is because they simply cannot afford it.

"All the faffing about over questions of its reliability and accuracy is hogwash," admitted the president of the cash-strapped board, N Srinivasan. "The truth - and it hurts saying this - is that we're barely able to buy groceries anymore," said the president, the catch in his voice betraying the kind of raw emotion that only a man for whom it is a daily struggle to keep the shirt on his back can express. "If the ICC finds a way to pay for it all, then we may consider approving it," he added. "But until then, it's a no I'm afraid. Hey, a board has got to eat."

Flintoff denies having called Atherton a f*****g p***k
Andrew Flintoff has denied calling former England captain Michael Atherton a f*****g p***k. "I'd like to set the record straight," said Freddie. "The papers would have it that I called Athers a 'f*****g p***k'. I did no such thing. The tabloids always distort the facts. The truth is, I never at any point used any asterisks. That's just not my style. If you'd really like to know what I called him, it was a 'f*****g p***k'.

"Oh, you b******s…"

England win fails to assuage England loss
Reports are coming in that Ian Bell recently took it upon himself to comfort a group of stricken England football fans soon after their team exited Euro 2012. Spotting the fans slumped in their seats at the pub in which they had gathered to watch the game, Bell attempted to talk to the young men. "Look on the bright side," Bell is reported to have said. "At least we beat the West Indies in cricket." In related news, Bell is reported to have aggravated the chin injury he suffered a few weeks ago. The cause of the repeat injury is not known at this time.

Chris Gayle's cool compromised for three seconds
In other Chris Gayle news, Chris Gayle suffered a traumatic loss of cool during the lone T20 match played last week. Diving for a catch early in the England innings, Gayle was left wrong-footed and, eventually, splay-legged upon the ground for three tortuously long seconds. Umpires, players, and commentators had to avert their eyes from the gruesome spectacle. "It was terrible," confirmed Gayle. "And it's true what they say, you know, that in moments of mortal reckoning, every pair of designer jeans and every thick gold chain you have ever owned flashes before your eyes." Gayle said he is recovering well from the traumatic event and that his faith in God remains unshaken.

VJD vs Duckworth-Lewis
V Jayadevan, creator of the acronymically eponymous new method of calculating a rain-affected run chase, has stated that he is ready to embark on a wide range of strikes to protest against perceived discrimination by the ICC. "The ICC and ECB have banded together and decided to stick with Duckworth-Lewis for one reason and one reason only. They can't accept that an Indian has a better method." The first thing Jayadevan planned on doing, he said, was leading a non-violent march down to the ocean as the monsoons hit. "I want to demonstrate that we Indians really don't have to rely on the British system," he said. "We can make our own rain-affected match calculations."

Dennis Lillee quits pace foundation
Dennis Lillee has called time on his role at the MRF Pace Foundation after a quarter century of trying to build an Indian fast bowler. "You beat a horse long enough, sooner or later you come to the realisation that that horse is just dead, dead, dead," explained Lillee. "Also: Sreesanth," he added, apropos of nothing.