How to beat post-IPL depression

Do you find yourself flailing uselessly in the meaningless void your life has suddenly become? Are you someone who comes home after a hard day's work only to find the healthy, loving relationship you thought you had with your television set suddenly snapped? Do you spend increasing amounts of time in a foetal position under your bed, with the lights off and your thumb in your mouth?

If you suffer from any or all of these symptoms (or even if it's only that you've started to suddenly pressure your partner to perform acts in bed that he or she may not be comfortable with, with what you've started to refer to as the "switch hit"), chances are that you are afflicted with Post-IPL Depression. Also known as Anti-Climactic Stress Disorder, this crippling seasonal disease tends to strike when the weather starts to change, the air is full of allergy-inducing pollens, and Chris Gayle packs his bag and leaves India in search of his next assignment.

First, the bad news: this is a serious condition, which, if left untreated, can lead to a markedly decreased quality of life, including an extra strain on relationships already compromised while the IPL was being telecast. Victims have been known to be irritable and testy, having developed a Tourette's-like tendency to add phrases like "Karbonn Kamaal" and "DLF Maximum" to every goddamn Citi Moment of Success sentence they utter. In rare cases the condition may be fatal.

The good news, however, is that you are not alone. There are plenty more losers just like you who have been affected by this crippling disease, and whatever your symptom is, you can now take back your freedom and your life through proven, safe methods. And the best part is that you can do it without pills! Here are just a few options to consider:

Join a support group
Sometimes it's therapeutic and good for your self-esteem just to be able to stand up, state your name and tell a bunch of strangers that you miss the ultra-slow-motion money shots of prancing adolescent cheerleaders. If this works for you, congratulations, but if not, read on.

Alternative methods
An alternative, more holistic form of treatment that a lot of young people seem to be opting for these days is to visit a post-IPL rehabilitation retreat. These retreats are usually located at secluded, idyllic resorts, amid swaying palm trees and the soothing sound of nearby water sources, and there is no one to hear the screams of the patient as he is subjected to a steady, force-fed diet of hour after hour of Test match cricket. The patient may be administered mild-to-mid-range electric shocks every time he screams, "Free hit, oh for the love of God, it's a free hit" when a bowler oversteps the mark. By the end of the visit, the patient has not only been cured of his blues but also knows what a checked straight drive is.

Give yourself a strategic timeout
It can never be stressed enough that the most important thing you can do is be as honest as you can with yourself. Once you are able to admit that your anxieties and frustrations derive not from being unable to see live T20 cricket on television but from other, more deep-seated problems in your life, you can set about moving towards addressing those real-life issues. Like finding out the timings of the highlights packages and renting a cheap hotel room to be alone with them.

Talk therapy
This fairly controversial method of treatment involves introducing the patient into a padded cell along with Danny Morrison and Navjot Singh Sidhu for a duration of no less than 24 hours. The patient usually emerges feeling like a completely new person, culpable of double homicide.

Start writing a journal
LOL

Meditation
A deceptively simple self-help method, it involves closing one's eyes and focusing on the oft-overlooked positives in your life - for example, the likelihood that for the next year or so, you stand to see little or nothing of Sidhartha Mallya's face again.

Conclusion: In sum, whichever treatment option you end up choosing, just know that this condition is beatable, and that you can take control of what's left of your life, post-IPL. Most importantly, it's always worth remembering that it's never too late to be the DLF Maximum that you can be.