Illegal offies flee persecution

Record number of seats sold for Asian Games cricket
It may come as a surprise that no fewer than 200,000 seats have so far been sold in total for the Asian Games cricket tournament being held in Incheon, South Korea.

"It's a staggering number that has exceeded all our expectations," said Seong-chul Park, CEO of Super Happy Fun Time Chair Limited, the company that won the contract to install seats in all the stadiums used for the cricket matches. "This is the first time that we have supplied seats for cricket games, and it's been great," he enthused, before adding: "Is there some point during the competition that they'll actually be filled?"

Illegal offies flee persecution
The relentless crackdown by authorities on offspinners with illegal actions continues to throw lives into turmoil. Reports have been pouring in from many parts of the world that hundreds of thousands of spinners, fearing the increasingly long arm of the law, have taken flight and are returning to their families, braving hazardous journeys and the prospect of increasingly bleak futures.

The newly formed Commission on Offpinners' Rights estimates there are between 4 to 20 million illegal offspinners in South Asia alone. All make vital contributions in areas often avoided by regular, legal bowlers.

"Some people like to complain that illegals come here and take their jobs," moaned a CEO of a cricket board under the condition of anonymity, "but the fact is, the so-called regular bowlers simply don't give you the same results."

Meanwhile, at a checkpoint between a five-star hotel in Bangalore and the international airport, an illegal Pakistani spinner trying to find his way back home paused to speak of his travails. "I don't know how I'm going to be able to face my family after this," said Mohammed Hafeez, who was served a notice by Flex Police, who came knocking at his hotel door early one morning demanding to see his papers, which, according to a new law, are supposed to be carried at all times by offspinners and clearly display the results of tests done on one's action.

Not having anything to show, Hafeez, like many others in his situation, has had to stop plying his trade or risk further persecution. "Everyone thinks what we do is illegal, but good luck finding anyone else willing and able to bowl the doosra," he moaned.

Korean baseball players reflect on Asian Games cricket adventure
The assorted professional baseball rejects and dilettantes who made up the South Korean men's national cricket team at the Asian Games, while it lasted, have spoken about how much they enjoyed the experience.

"It was a great feeling to be representing your country," said the captain, Kim Kyung-sik. "We're still not entirely sure of exactly what it was we were representing the country in, but the shirts had the words "South Korea" emblazoned upon it and a number on the back, so it had to have been special, I guess."

His players were similarly enthused. "I liked the part where, after you run up and pitch the ball-like thing at the ground before it reaches the guy standing at the other end with the plank of wood in his hands, who then sends it, more often than not, into the empty stands for a home run, you get to go home for the day and ask yourself exactly what it is you're doing with your life," said Park Tae-Kwan, whose bowling style was registered for the tournament as right-arm WTF.

Rastafarians contest highest cricket match claim
A group of international cricketers has set a world record for the highest-ever cricket match played by engaging in a ten-over-a-side game close to the summit of Mount Kilimanjaro, Africa's tallest mountain.

The achievement has since been tainted by controversy, however, after a team of amateur Rastafarian cricketers claimed that it is they who should be awarded the record for highest-ever cricket match, and that they had achieved the feat without even having to leave the smoke-filled garage of "cousin Devonte's house in Kingston, man".

Langer gets it mixed up
The Perth Scorchers batsmen may have thought it an apt, if not clever, analogy when Justin Langer likened playing spin to eating chillies, but will have woken up confused on the day of the semi-finals to find that the coach had arranged for extra bottles of water, toilet paper, and diarrhoea medication to be placed inside their kitbags.

"My grandmother always did say that the best way to counteract a nasty bout of Indian spin bowling is to stay hydrated and eat plenty of bananas," mused Langer somewhat confusedly. "Our batsmen should hopefully be well prepared now to face the nasty after-effects of eating too many chillies."

"Chokers" tag a joke within the team, claims Kallis
Jacques Kallis revealed in a recent interview how the "chokers" tag as applied to South African cricket has become so overused and trite as to have turned into something of a joke within the team.

Kallis said that every time the team managed to snatch yet another defeat from the jaws of victory in a major tournament, the players would relax by joking around with one another about how they had "choked" again.

"We would all just sit around in the dressing room and laugh and laugh about it until tears would start streaming from our eyes," explained Kallis. "Some of the senior players, who had been privy to this particular joke for a long time, would start to sort of pretend-sob and adopt foetal positions on the floor while moaning 'not again.'"

Kallis admitted that some of the younger members in the team had to be reassured that it was all just for laughs, that they weren't actually crying and sobbing, and that he often had to reassure himself of the same.