What does India have to do to get some respect?

Shortly after Kochi's cakewalk win over the Mumbai Indians a few days ago, I rang my father, who lives in Kerala. We shared some pleasant positive thoughts about the team. We discussed, among other things, the clever move to rest Sreesanth so that he is fully fit for the semi-final and final stages of the IPL.

Eventually we got to talking about good old Premraj and Kapadia.

Prem and Kaps, as you might recall from a previous column, were two workplace buddies of my father's in Abu Dhabi.

Cricket has never had two individuals with greater dedication and commitment to its cause. Through the late '80s and '90s, as Indian cricket was ritually human-sacrificed at Bukhatir's Pakistani Altar of Friday Humiliation in Sharjah, they remained committed to the cause. Prem diligently purchased all the Sachin gold coins and coffee-table books. Kaps came back from every trip to India with bound copies of Sportstar.

There was only one problem.

Prem and Kaps were impossible to please.

Even when India managed to win the occasional Test match or triangular series, their joy was short-lived. Minutes after the presentation ceremony, and barely before the foam had settled on freshly opened beers, Prem or Kaps - usually Kaps - would begin to think aloud:

Kaps: But Prem bhai… this pitch, it had too much spin, no?
Prem: Now that you mention it… also nothing for the pacers, no?
Kaps: Nothing for the pacers except humiliation and rotator-cuff injury only!
Prem: Yes. Also Sohail's wicket was lucky. Has Prasad taken any other wicket of such crucial importance?
Kaps: Has Prasad taken any other wickets at all in his life?
Prem: Ha ha ha. Lucky win. Useless Indian team.
Kaps: Fully useless. Also most probably fixed. Cheers Prem bhai…
Prem: Cheers, Kaps.

By the end of that week Prem and Kaps would have forgotten the victory completely. Because, in their opinion, it had been thoroughly inadequate and unprofessional.

My father wondered, on the phone, what Prem, on earth in Kozhikode, and Kaps, in heaven, would make of the World Cup victory, and this recent Kochi domination of the IPL.

Prem and Kaps are, of course, by no means unique in their eagerness to be displeased. The tendency to dismiss Indian victories as inadequate is extremely common among many Indian fans. Indeed this is the second greatest tendency after a big Indian win - the first being the need to blow up something in celebration noisily. Preferably in full view of many Pakistanis.

Within minutes after the World Cup win, if you'd switched on any Indian TV news channel you could have seen the following line-up:

4:30 PM: India Triumphs: Greatest Moments of the World Cup Victory
5:30 PM: Sachin: The Untold Story (Rerun)
6:30 PM: The People Speak: Was Team India Lucky?
7:00 PM: Almost Apocalypse: How We Nearly Lost the World Cup By Not Picking Ashwin, And Over-depending on Sreesanth's All-round Abilities
7:30 PM: Dhoni: Captain Cool or National Nuisance?
8:30 PM: World Cup 2011: The Epic Story of a Shameful Disaster
9:30 PM: Inevitable Suicide: Comedy with Navjot Singh Sidhu
10:00 PM: Science Programme: How to Make An Easily Inflammable Effigy of Dhoni
10:30 PM: Prime-Time Debate: Why is Dhoni Still Alive?
11:00 PM: Unhealthy Obsession: Is There Too Much Cricket in India?
11:30 PM: BREAKING NEWS: EVERYONE IN NAGPUR DIES IN MASSIVE NUCLEAR EXPLOSION (Three-hour delayed telecast due to World Cup cricket final)

Which makes one wonder: how in god's name must India win a match for people to not dismiss it later as inadequate, too easy, lucky or fixed?

I think I have an idea.

The ideal cricket match should be against Pakistan in Sharjah on a Friday. By some miracle of time travel both Javed Miandad and Aaqib Javed should be playing for Pakistan. This would make the match tough enough.

Also, this must be the final of a tournament where India has beaten every Test-playing nation by at least 150 runs or seven wickets. (Australia must be beaten twice, because one win over them can be attributed to luck. Also, South Africa must have been beaten properly - no choking or joking or anything like that.)

The match should not be on a batting pitch. This is too easy for India. In fact, ideally it should have superb pace at one end (Perth) and a turning minefield on the other (Beirut)

In fact, at no point in the tournament should India have got any lucky breaks whatsoever. No bad umpire calls, no DRS corrections, no freak dismissals, no Duckworth-Lewis situations, no Associate teams.

Also at this stage no one batsman, except maybe Sachin, should be doing particularly well. (We should not be dependent on one person.) Similarly our bowlers, except maybe Sachin, should be doing adequately. But no better.

The match should not be on a batting pitch. This is too easy for India. In fact, ideally it should have superb pace at one end (Perth) and a turning minefield on the other (Beirut).

India should, of course, lose the toss and be asked to field first. At this point the captain - maybe Dhoni but with much more humility - will say that he has dropped Gautam Gambhir (too many advertisements), Yuvraj Singh (too much fat and too much hugging Preity) and Harbhajan Singh (too much slapping other talented players).

Therefore the Indian team is balanced but no one is performing exceptionally. (This is to reduce over-dependence.)

Pakistan should score a good total (312 for 8), but not so big that it looks fixed (453 for 2). No diving catches, direct hits or hit-wickets will go in India's favour. Also, no substitute fielders, or Kamran Akmal.

At this point, between innings, the match is converted from an ODI to a Test match. That is because every true Indian fan knows that any idiot can win an ODI. Only a Test match is real cricket.

No one, most of all Sachin, should score a century. (How long will we depend on him?) None of the batsmen should be dropped or given lives in any other fashion. Half of them must play textbook shots and half must play aggressively.

In addition to this, several other luck-reducing factors are important: Kumble's family should not be watching the match, commentators must continuously say jinxy things, and spectators back home in India will keep changing their positions in front of the TV.

Finally India should win with four or five wickets left and half a day to spare. (Close finish means things could have easily gone the other way. This is undesirable.) Because it is now a Test match, the post-match ceremony is boring and the stadium is half-empty. The celebrations are subdued and after a few minutes everyone goes home. It has been a terribly boring few days of play. But India has played sensibly and with great restraint. Back home, only cricket connoisseurs are capable of appreciating this clinical victory.

This, I am convinced, is the real high-quality Indian win that the true fan is looking for.

Prem and Kaps may have been satisfied with this.