You won't believe who will win the World Cup

A few months before the 2010 football World Cup in South Africa, I rang the embassy of the Democratic Peoples' Republic of Korea in New Delhi. As you may recall, the North Koreans had just qualified for the World Cup for the first time since 1966. I was doing a brief article on this somewhat bizarre country's footballing history.

I was hoping to ask the North Korean ambassador to India, or someone in the set-up, how nostalgic they were about 1966 and what expectations they had for 2010. This is how the conversation went:

Me: "Hello, is this the DPRK embassy?"

Embassy man: "Yes."

Me: "I am a journalist in New Delhi and I would like to speak to someone about football in the DPRK and about your expectations for the 2010 World Cup."

Embassy man: "Yes."

Me: "Could you connect me to somebody please?"

Embassy man: "You can ask me questions."

Me: "So does this bring back memories of 1966?"

Embassy man: "Yes. We are very proud."

Me: "Okay. Is there a lot of excitement about the tournament in North Korea?"

Embassy man: "Yes. We are very happy."

Me: "So what are your expectations for the team?"

Embassy man: "DPRK will win the World Cup."

Me: "Excuse me?"

Embassy man: "We will defeat everybody. We will win the World Cup 100%. Thank you. Bye."

And that was that.

The one thing sport teaches us is to never write anyone off. Yes, things might look impossible, odds might look insurmountable, history might seem un-ignorable and records might seem unbreakable. But on that field, when body and mind and sheer providence come together, there is no saying which giant will fall and which minnow will arise victorious.

Meanwhile North Korea finished bottom of their group, scoring only one goal and letting in exactly a dozen. The 2010 World Cup ended after a finals match in which Netherlands was beaten by a single goal in extra time by Shakira. The humiliated North Koreans returned home, where they were lined up against a wall, blindfolded and shot.

Ha! I am kidding, of course. They were not blindfolded.

I've always found my brief conversation with the DPRK embassy stooge quite hilarious. Many are the dinner parties at which I whip out that anecdote to lighten the atmosphere. These days, however, I would give anything to hear people make such forthright predictions about the cricket World Cup: yes, so-and-so will win; or no, so-and-so won't win.

Instead what we have is a never-ending stream of half-hearted expert interviews that are then manipulated and ripped to shreds to by journalists. These diabolical journalists then try to make it look as if the expert said one of the following things:

1. India will mostly likely win the World Cup
2. Australia will most likely not win the World Cup
3. Australia sucks very much
4. Australia's momma is so fat that she could captain Sri Lanka

I will be the first to admit that this is because 95% of all media about the cricket World Cup is generated in India. In fact, over the years Indian newspapers and magazines have perfected the ability of getting random people to make random World Cup predictions to a fine art. So much so that you will get the same expert making drastically different predictions within days of each other. Let me take the example of a much-loved former Indian captain, who I would rather not name for fear of fearsome Bengali reprisal.

This is a headline that appeared on Monday: "No 'favourites' for Sourav Ganguly in World Cup".

And this on Tuesday, in the very same newspaper: "Dada tips India, considers Pakistan dark horse"

(Yes. Something sinister happened on Monday night.)

And what if the experts refuse to make any predictions at all? Then they are browbeaten into at least making a dubious conditional statement justifying India's supremacy:

Sample headline: "Big innings at the top of the order, tight running between wickets, world-class fielding and incisive bowling will help India win World Cup, said Boutros-Boutros Ghali, referring to Sreesanth's contribution."

As far as I am concerned, there is only thing you can be sure about concerning this cricket World Cup. The Democratic People's Republic of Korea will win it 100% without fail.

Thanks. Bye.