Ashes October 27, 2010

Good Lord, it’s the Ashes

As if they’d ever let us forget
31

Saturday, 23rd October Flicking wearily through the “Ashes Hype” pull-out section of my daily newspaper, I came across an interesting quote from Professor DK Lillee, of the Perth Institute for Biological Sciences, who has claimed that Nathan Hauritz is “still evolving”. He is confident that by November 25th, Hauritz will have grown an extra thick forefinger (to help him spin the ball) a bat-like echo location system (to help him locate a good length) and the roar of a lion (to deter vultures and Steven Smith).

Sunday 24th October As a keen conservationist I was delighted upon tuning in to today’s game from the Nehru Stadium to find that the ground authorities had, by clever use of tarpaulins, arranged a network of lakes, ponds and puddles, clearly designed to encourage the endangered Goan Crested Newt. I spent many happy minutes watching live footage of the water features and listening to the distinctive sounds of the locale, such as the haunting mating call of the wild vuvuzela and the distant crash of a collapsing sightscreen.

Monday, 25th October There are only 30 press conferences to go until the start of the Ashes and on today’s agenda was Andy Flower, who told a packed assembly of desperate hacks that he expected great things from Kevin Pietersen this winter. In response to a shouted question to “say something interesting that we can use” the England coach followed up his opening remarks by revealing that Alastair Cook had recently had to renew his car tax and that Graeme Swann had had two sausages for breakfast.

He also had to apologise for KP’s absence. The man himself had a prior commitment launching a range of exciting products designed to penetrate new markets as yet untouched by the magic of KP. This Christmas, consumers around the world can look forward to the KP yak-pacifier, the KP luau firelighters, the KP ice-fishing rod and the KP llama poop-scooper. For Ashes couch potatoes, there will also be a new KP beer (shiny can, exciting bouquet, goes flat after a while) and a KP corkscrew, specially designed to make things easy for left-handers.

Meanwhile the UN has expressed concerns that prolonged exposure to pointless Ashes speculation may have negative side effects. Governments around the globe are reporting a dramatic increase in cricket-related ennui, and in China today, several people were arrested trying to deface a 20-foot high poster of Jimmy Anderson. Psychiatrists are also warning of the dangers of an epidemic of post-Brisbane depression when viewers realise that neither of the teams involved is particularly good.

Tuesday, 26th October The IPL continues to break new ground, even in the realm of boardroom feuds. In an attempt to outdo the internal squabbles at Liverpool FC, the Kochi franchise has become the first sporting club to fall out with itself without ever having put a team onto the field. Nevertheless they are hopeful of being ready in time for the IPL’s Contraction Season 2011 and have already launched their logo. The emblem of the Kochi Calamaties features a pair of bickering elephants rampant, holding court papers in their trunks and carrying enormous sacks of golden coins on their backs.

Andrew Hughes is a writer currently based in England

Comments have now been closed for this article

  • Linda on September 6, 2011, 18:38 GMT

    Keep it cmonig, writers, this is good stuff.

  • Esther on September 6, 2011, 0:15 GMT

    Thank God! Someone with barins speaks!

  • informercial diet programs on November 6, 2010, 12:01 GMT

    I just book marked your blog on Digg and StumbleUpon.I enjoy reading your commentaries.

  • Anand on October 28, 2010, 5:25 GMT

    WOnderful. Esp the Kochi franchisee stuff.

  • Akshay on October 28, 2010, 3:44 GMT

    Great article, especially the parts with KP. "shiny can, exciting bouquet, goes flat after a while", and "specially designed to make things easy for left-handers".

  • Ganesh on October 28, 2010, 3:01 GMT

    Always a good laugh Andrew! Great stuff - specially the Kochi logo one :)

  • earl on October 28, 2010, 1:25 GMT

    Couldn't agree with you more.

  • Jignesh on October 28, 2010, 0:20 GMT

    Don't forget Hauritz carrying the bowling average 43 runs per wicket in his first class career, and DK Lilee still have faith in Hauritz. May be Hauritz is a related to DK Lilee like Hilfy is related to Ponting.

  • Adnan on October 27, 2010, 23:33 GMT

    haha! had fun reading this, well done author

  • Rogex on October 27, 2010, 21:22 GMT

    'the KP ice-fishing rod and the KP llama poop-scooper' 'and that Graeme Swann had had two sausages for breakfast.' haha ha so funny!

  • Linda on September 6, 2011, 18:38 GMT

    Keep it cmonig, writers, this is good stuff.

  • Esther on September 6, 2011, 0:15 GMT

    Thank God! Someone with barins speaks!

  • informercial diet programs on November 6, 2010, 12:01 GMT

    I just book marked your blog on Digg and StumbleUpon.I enjoy reading your commentaries.

  • Anand on October 28, 2010, 5:25 GMT

    WOnderful. Esp the Kochi franchisee stuff.

  • Akshay on October 28, 2010, 3:44 GMT

    Great article, especially the parts with KP. "shiny can, exciting bouquet, goes flat after a while", and "specially designed to make things easy for left-handers".

  • Ganesh on October 28, 2010, 3:01 GMT

    Always a good laugh Andrew! Great stuff - specially the Kochi logo one :)

  • earl on October 28, 2010, 1:25 GMT

    Couldn't agree with you more.

  • Jignesh on October 28, 2010, 0:20 GMT

    Don't forget Hauritz carrying the bowling average 43 runs per wicket in his first class career, and DK Lilee still have faith in Hauritz. May be Hauritz is a related to DK Lilee like Hilfy is related to Ponting.

  • Adnan on October 27, 2010, 23:33 GMT

    haha! had fun reading this, well done author

  • Rogex on October 27, 2010, 21:22 GMT

    'the KP ice-fishing rod and the KP llama poop-scooper' 'and that Graeme Swann had had two sausages for breakfast.' haha ha so funny!

  • bund marlow on October 27, 2010, 20:17 GMT

    ha hah ha!!! very funny! 2 sausages for b'fast:)) afridi had 2 (cricket) balls!

  • Gautam on October 27, 2010, 19:37 GMT

    An excellent read!! The piece on conservation in Goa had me in splits

  • jaggudada on October 27, 2010, 18:04 GMT

    hilarious!!

  • shravan on October 27, 2010, 17:48 GMT

    Lol @ Governments around the globe are reporting a dramatic increase in cricket-related ennui, and in China today, several......

  • Chinmay on October 27, 2010, 16:37 GMT

    hehe....."specially designed to make things easy for left-handers"

  • Mahesh on October 27, 2010, 15:11 GMT

    "a KP corkscrew, specially designed to make things easy for left-handers": nice one. Along with the "new KP beer" that "goes flat after a while".

  • Piya on October 27, 2010, 13:40 GMT

    Hilarious!

  • Vasishth on October 27, 2010, 12:50 GMT

    Good one Andrew.

  • Roger on October 27, 2010, 12:49 GMT

    Riproaringly humourous. As good as Usman Khwaja's blog. Keep it going,mate.

  • Dr..K.H.Iyer on October 27, 2010, 12:36 GMT

    Kochi Calamities?? HA HA HA HA HA!! Keep up the good work!!!

  • Rockedin on October 27, 2010, 9:23 GMT

    Nice press conference.... the most striking is the KP's exciting range of products.... Keep going andrew!

  • Moe Lester on October 27, 2010, 9:23 GMT

    FUN-E

  • Jose on October 27, 2010, 9:20 GMT

    Andrew, your witticism is hackneyed and doesn't amuse us at all. Please learn or borrow some techniques from Andy...

  • ask_tweeves on October 27, 2010, 8:42 GMT

    Oh, Brilliant Work Mr Hughes!!!!

  • Varun Mishra on October 27, 2010, 8:24 GMT

    not so funny.

  • tracerbullet007 on October 27, 2010, 8:19 GMT

    hmm....not a bad logo for the kochi team, actually...

  • Blackadder on October 27, 2010, 8:17 GMT

    "and in China today, several people were arrested trying to deface a 20-foot high poster of Jimmy Anderson"

    Statement of the day, week, month, year, decade, century, millenium, epoch..

  • Srikanth on October 27, 2010, 8:13 GMT

    Guess you got confused about POnting (doll or animal). So you start on Kevin Pietersen - the day by day crap that is dished out fails to appeal.

    I have always held that Hauritz at his best is ordinary and his going that extra mile aint make him extraordinary. Rather he is an extra- ordinary bowler in a team that finds itself wanting new hands in the spin department.

    Hauritz bowls predictably and Swann will outdo him. However given the success of leg-spinners against England , Steven Smith must get the nod ahead of Hauritz. A new bowler in Smith, an old hand in Ponting, a new batsman in Ferguson ahead of North will make the line-up exciting.

    At times it looks as if the English supporter has resigned himself to a drubbing in this Ashes and is comforting himself that this is the best team that can win the Ashes in Australia.

    Looking forward to something better from you Andrew. Trust you get the point.

    Srikanth.

  • Eliya Abbas on October 27, 2010, 8:03 GMT

    LOL... LOL...LOL :D

    well Done

  • Peter on October 27, 2010, 7:44 GMT

    Excellent. "The KP corkscrew, specially designed to make things easy for left handers" Like a lot of people, I'm in equal parts excited by, and sick to the back teeth of the hype surrounding, The Ashes.

  • Amin on October 27, 2010, 7:01 GMT

    Truly Funny. Particularly the kochi logo with an elephant.

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  • Amin on October 27, 2010, 7:01 GMT

    Truly Funny. Particularly the kochi logo with an elephant.

  • Peter on October 27, 2010, 7:44 GMT

    Excellent. "The KP corkscrew, specially designed to make things easy for left handers" Like a lot of people, I'm in equal parts excited by, and sick to the back teeth of the hype surrounding, The Ashes.

  • Eliya Abbas on October 27, 2010, 8:03 GMT

    LOL... LOL...LOL :D

    well Done

  • Srikanth on October 27, 2010, 8:13 GMT

    Guess you got confused about POnting (doll or animal). So you start on Kevin Pietersen - the day by day crap that is dished out fails to appeal.

    I have always held that Hauritz at his best is ordinary and his going that extra mile aint make him extraordinary. Rather he is an extra- ordinary bowler in a team that finds itself wanting new hands in the spin department.

    Hauritz bowls predictably and Swann will outdo him. However given the success of leg-spinners against England , Steven Smith must get the nod ahead of Hauritz. A new bowler in Smith, an old hand in Ponting, a new batsman in Ferguson ahead of North will make the line-up exciting.

    At times it looks as if the English supporter has resigned himself to a drubbing in this Ashes and is comforting himself that this is the best team that can win the Ashes in Australia.

    Looking forward to something better from you Andrew. Trust you get the point.

    Srikanth.

  • Blackadder on October 27, 2010, 8:17 GMT

    "and in China today, several people were arrested trying to deface a 20-foot high poster of Jimmy Anderson"

    Statement of the day, week, month, year, decade, century, millenium, epoch..

  • tracerbullet007 on October 27, 2010, 8:19 GMT

    hmm....not a bad logo for the kochi team, actually...

  • Varun Mishra on October 27, 2010, 8:24 GMT

    not so funny.

  • ask_tweeves on October 27, 2010, 8:42 GMT

    Oh, Brilliant Work Mr Hughes!!!!

  • Jose on October 27, 2010, 9:20 GMT

    Andrew, your witticism is hackneyed and doesn't amuse us at all. Please learn or borrow some techniques from Andy...

  • Moe Lester on October 27, 2010, 9:23 GMT

    FUN-E