The Long Handle
Who says there's a problem with Test cricket?
There's too much of a kerfuffle over the death of the format. Can't we just let sleeping dinosaurs lie?
Andrew Hughes
29-Jul-2015
Two weeks ago, the MCC Cricket Committee, that well-known collection of trouble-makers, cowardy custards and ne'er do wells, came out with the following statement:
"The committee has long been concerned for the future of Test cricket and fears that, if left as it is, the longest form of the game will not survive. The committee feels there are too many instances of series that lack context and are played in almost empty stadiums."
I'm sure, that, like me, your first comment upon reading this defeatist propaganda was "Balderdash!" followed immediately by "Codswallop!" or "Poppycock!"
Full postThe lovely smell of failure in the morning
Why we should be savouring England's Lord's defeat
Andrew Hughes
22-Jul-2015
Ah, an England defeat at Lord's! The world of cricket offers funnier spectacles, but few that produce quite the same warm glow. I'm not sure why this should be. Maybe it's something to do with the sight of massed ranks of disgruntled elderly gentlemen in stripy pyjamas harrumphing into the sunset, or perhaps the whiff of treason that lingers about an England captain who fails to a secure a victory in front of Her Majesty.
Whatever the reason, such a capitulation at the Museum of Cricket is usually fun, and when the defeat in question is a bottom-pummelling epic worthy of the full Homeric treatment, the fun increases exponentially.
England's exciting new era lasted as long as the previous exciting new era. Indeed England now go through exciting new eras with such indecent haste that it is difficult for cricket hacks to keep up, and like the Grand Old Duke Of York's chaps, they are forever marching up Hype Hill or charging down into the Valley of Vitriol.
Full postIs cricket war?
Not when we last checked. So what's with all the nationalism?
Andrew Hughes
15-Jul-2015
Viewers who switched on the coverage of the first Test from Cardiff at 11 o'clock last Wednesday might have been a little confused. Expecting smartly dressed cricketers strolling onto the immaculate turf to the accompaniment of polite applause, they were instead offered some vigorous flag-waving, an anthem-singing contest, a marching band and a fireworks display. It looked less like a cricket match and more like a rally for one of those dubious political parties whose leader eventually turns up in an undercover documentary professing an admiration for Josef Goebbels.
Perhaps the ECB, ever-vigilant when it comes to spotting a bargain, had heard about a special offer at World of Flags: buy one outsize St George flag and get a free flaming torch. But it felt wrong, and not just because all this pre-match paraphernalia caused a delay to the start of the very event to which it was supposed to draw our attention.
It felt wrong because cricket is a contest between bat and ball, not a contest between nations. Cricket predates both nationalism - in its virulent 19th-century form - and most of the nations that now play it.
Full postWhat's going to happen in this year's Ashes?
No one knows, but we all know what's not going to happen
Andrew Hughes
08-Jul-2015
And so, for the third time in two years, it begins. By the time you read this, the Cardiff crowd will already be sheltering under their hoods and the ground will be humming with the barely suppressed excitement of a thousand yet-to-be-answered questions; questions such as: "Do you think they'll get on before lunch?" and "I wonder what colour Michael Atherton's umbrella will be?"
We don't know what's going to happen in this year's Ashes, although we do know what's not going to happen: an English victory. Home fans approach this series in the same way that Greek citizens approach a cash machine: unsure what they're going to end up with but fairly certain it will be less than they'd hoped for.
Still, the ECB has done its best. All England personnel have been issued with lucky ECB rabbits' feet and lucky ECB underpants, although the rabbits' feet don't contain real rabbit, and owing to a mix-up at the Amazon warehouse, the underpants are only available in "Gatting Plus" - the next size up from XXXL.
Full postThe definitive England-Australia preview
The only article you need to read to know how the Investec Ashes is going to pan out
Andrew Hughes
01-Jul-2015
You know the worst thing about the Ashes? The previews. Have you ever read a good Ashes preview? No, me neither. They're all the same. None of the people writing them have the faintest idea what is going to happen. Will England win? Will Australia win? No one knows. But that doesn't stop them. Paragraph after paragraph, page after page, feature after feature, the previews just keep coming, an avalanche of flimsy soothsaying churned out by the ton, a never-ending torrent of wild Ashes speculation that threatens to drown us all in an ocean of uneducated guesswork, almost as if they were getting paid by the word.
Where was I? Oh yes, previews. They're all absolutely awful. Well, all of them apart from this one. So throw away that free pullout you got with your morning edition of the Daily Drivel, because this is the only preview you'll need: the official Long Handle guide to What Will Definitely Happen in the Ashes.
First Test
England begin the series with a youthful line-up and a misplaced sense of optimism. They perform impressively in the team photographs, but struggle thereafter, losing by an innings and an awful lot inside three days. Shane Watson misses the match having pulled a hamstring getting out of bed, but hopes to be fit for Lord's.
Full postEngland begin the series with a youthful line-up and a misplaced sense of optimism. They perform impressively in the team photographs, but struggle thereafter, losing by an innings and an awful lot inside three days. Shane Watson misses the match having pulled a hamstring getting out of bed, but hopes to be fit for Lord's.
A cure for sledging
In which we propose an innovative alternative to traditional "gamesmanship"
Andrew Hughes
23-Jun-2015
Blimey. David Warner, the sewer-mouthed raconteur, part-time pugilist and occasional opening batsman, famous for being chattier than a busload of elderly women and swearier than a Premier League footballer, has changed his ways.
But the news that he will no longer be flapping his gums, agitating his larynx or expelling expletive-stained carbon dioxide in the general direction of his opponents has not gone down well in every quarter.
For example, the staff at Sydney Porcelain Garden Ornaments Ltd are, as we speak, taking sledgehammers to their suddenly-no-longer-apposite range of commemorative Ashes Warnergnomes - a splendid array of squat, red-faced figures wearing green caps that included an Apoplectic Warner, an Angry Warner, a Petulant Warner, a Sarcastic Warner, and a Righteously Indignant Warner.
Full postIn praise of the bat-logo police
Cricket may be nowhere near FIFA when it comes to maladministration, but there are some areas where we can hold our heads high
Andrew Hughes
18-Jun-2015
There are glum faces all round at the ICC, and not just because Dave Richardson has instituted another round of cost-cutting by replacing the toilet paper in the executive washrooms with a more abrasive brand made from Michael Vaughan's recycled newspaper columns.
This outbreak of melancholy is down to the rum goings on at FIFA, where Mr Blatter and chums have monopolised the headlines with their shenanigans, and as a result have made the rest of the world's sporting bodies look a little second-rate. Million-dollar bribes? FBI raids? Penthouse apartments for your chihauhaus? The ICC simply can't compete with this sort of thing.
"There's only one thing worse than being derided by every media outlet in the world, and that's not being derided by every media outlet in the world," sighed an ICC spokesman wearing a green carnation.
Full postWho says English cricket lacks inventiveness?
Whoever it was, did they watch the Edgbaston ODI? No? Thought so
Andrew Hughes
10-Jun-2015
Paul Collingwood recently described England's World Cup tactics as "prehistoric", which was a bit of a slur on prehistory. In fact, early humans took a dim view of batsmen who refused to hit over the top in the first 15 overs - the cave paintings at Lascaux include a daub of a blue stick figure playing a forward defensive, then being chased by a sabre tooth tiger and a spear-wielding mob.
English cricket is often accused of being complacent, stuck in the past, boring to watch and pathologically incapable of coming up with interesting nicknames that are not derived by adding a "y" to a player's surname.
But this is unfair. English cricket is ripe with invention. Take one county at random: Worcestershire. The Squashy Pears have been pioneers in several areas. For many years the director of cricket, Steven "Rhodesy" Rhodes has been experimenting extensively with defeat, in search of the perfect loss, like a chef trying to concoct the ultimate gooseberry fool.
Full postAlastair Cook: cricket's Tom Cruise
And no, that is not intended as a compliment
Andrew Hughes
03-Jun-2015
The England team is like a political party heading into an election with a leader who, in an ideal world, would not be their leader. But the Ashes are almost upon us and it is too late now to arrange a mutiny. The commemorative programmes are printed, the supermarket adverts are in the can and Alastair Cook is (still) the England captain.
People who know about this sort of thing say that as a leader Alastair is some miles south of adequate; that he's two slips short of a full cordon; that he brings to the job the strategic perceptiveness of George W Bush, the spontaneity of a stapler, and the man-management skills of a well-dressed shop dummy.
They may be right. I'm in no position to judge. I've never captained anything. When I named myself in an MCC XI to take on an intergalactic touring side, I refused the captaincy as I was worried that the pressure of leadership would affect my dice-throwing form.
Full postAn IPL review (without having watched a game)
The joys of bringing a clear, fresh perspective to the cricket world's blingiest extravaganza
Andrew Hughes
27-May-2015
Thanks to a contractual dispute with Sky* I haven't been able to watch the IPL this year, so as you can imagine, it has been a frustrating seven weeks.
You can produce an approximation of the IPL experience by asking two passing acquaintances who you don't really like to sit behind your sofa shouting inane comments while you fast-forward through footage of the 2007 Indian Cricket League, flicking over to the shopping channel every 30 seconds. But still, it's not quite the same.
On the other hand, this unfortunate IPL hiatus does mean that I can approach the traditional tournament review with a clear, fresh perspective, unencumbered by having watched any of the games. So then, what conclusion can we draw from IPL Eight?
Full postMost Read
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