Kevin Pietersen December 5, 2010

KP's dirty disease, and Yuvi's new sponsor

England's star batsman is afflicted something that French queens usually contract

Wednesday, 1st December Kevin Pietersen is the latest victim of an unpleasant illness predominantly affecting highly paid sportspeople and celebrities. Known as “Marie Antoinette Syndrome”, the condition initially causes an inflammation of the pomposity gland and if left untreated, can result in a complete breakdown of the patient’s sense of proportion.

Antoinette sufferers are usually advised to keep away from social media but unfortunately, KP’s illness was not diagnosed immediately and his Twitter outburst concerning the nets in Adelaide was followed by a series of Antoinette episodes. There was, for example, this Tweet, from the dining room of the Plaza Hotel:

“F***** Lafitte 89!!! Wot kind of muppet serves an 89??? Evry1 noes the 89 tastes like dishwater!!! Amateurs! Had to send back the Hollondays sauce 2!!!”

and this from the fitting room of Mr Lee’s Posh Suit Emporium:

“Yep, muppets! Tryed to sell me a dubble-breasted jacket!!! Who thaf*** wares that? And the shoes had tassels on em!!!! F***** colonial f******”

and finally this from Tubby Taylor’s Tea Shop:

“F***** muppet waitress!!!! $2 an hour and she can’t even make tea!!!! Unblveble!!! You got to warm the pot 1st love!!!!! F****** Australians!!! Amateurs!!!!”

Fortunately, doctors believe that they have got to him in time and he is currently resting with a gag in his mouth and a padlock on his Blackberry. Get well soon KP!

Thursday, 2nd December Cricket Kenya has a splendid new logo and not before time. The state of Cricket Kenya’s previous logo had been the cause of much anguish on the streets of Nairobi. How can we go on as a nation, people were asking, with such a boring cricket badge? Like any small cricket country, if they were to have any chance of securing Test status, they urgently needed to spend thousands of dollars on a rebranding exercise.

So, out goes the boring old lion with the red, black and green face and in comes the exciting new logo; based around a lion theme with a red, green and black facial motif. Still, you do have to have some sympathy for the advertising executives charged with titivating the CK badge. They were given the baffling instruction to produce “something contagious”. Having considered producing a logo based on the chemical composition of the flu virus, they clearly thought, “Nah, let’s just do another lion.”

Friday, 3rd December It’s official. There are no more products out there for cricketers to endorse. Today we heard news that MS Dhoni is lending his name to the last available unendorsed comestible good in the world, the Kendal Mint Cake produced by Mr and Mrs Trelawney of Ye Olde Village Shoppe, Market Street, Kendal, Cumbria. Dhoni is apparently a big fan of the peppermint-flavoured product and will be photographed snacking on it at nightclubs and handing it around on the pavilion balcony.

And the next generation of celebrity cricket endorsements is already here. We understand that next week, MS will officially endorse his fellow countryman Yuvraj Singh. By becoming Yuvi’s brand ambassador, the Indian captain will have to spread the word about Yuvi wherever he goes, wear an “I Love Yuvi” baseball cap, be seen with him at parties and, of course, promote Yuvi at selection meetings.

“It’s the way of the future,” said Yuvi’s agent, “Besides, as Indian captain, MS has already been unofficially endorsing Jadeja for months, so it’s just the next step.”

Andrew Hughes is a writer currently based in England