World Cup 2011 March 26, 2011

What Dernbach brings to the England side

Rules, regulations, addresses, phone numbers and more

Tuesday, 22nd March When we first heard that this World Cup was going to last six weeks, we were all a little nonplussed, but I guess our questions have been answered. Six weeks? How on earth can they make it last six weeks? Oh, I see, that’s how.

But Mr Lorgat believes the thing is as long as it needs to be and not a minute longer.

“It should be remembered that we ICC officials need a break. The longer tournament means that we can go to the seaside, sample some of the excellent restaurants in this part of the world and just, you know, kind of chill, man.”

When asked whether he was enjoying the cricket, he replied,

“Cricket? Has there been some cricket?”

Wednesday, 23rd March Jade Dernbach is the latest call-up to the Travelling Circus of Replacements as Andy Flower continues to conscript the entire adult population of England one at a time. But the new guy does have something that the rest lack. Not a South African accent or a different flavour of slower ball or even a hint of androgyny in a squad full of boring names. No, I’m talking tattoos. Without KP, Team England have an inky-flesh deficit. And Jade’s skin scrawlings are not just there to look ugly.

“I’ve got the UDRS regulations and the ICC Code of Conduct on my forearms. On my bicep there’s a pie recipe that Jimmy really likes; my right calf has Belly’s address and phone number, in case he forgets them again, and my gluteus maximus is covered with a list of sledging suggestions, should Matt run out of stupid things to say.”

Thursday, 24th March Not since the publication of JK Rowling’s popular kiddies thriller, Chris Gayle and the Sulk of Doom has there been such excitement in Caribbean literary circles. The WICB are this weekend putting the finishing touches to their latest work of fiction, provisionally entitled: Strategic Plan 2011-2016. It is the long-awaited follow-up to their side-splitting 2007 best-seller What Do We Do Now! and the 2003 hit, What The Hell Are We Going To Do Without Brian!

The novels tell the story of a collection of hapless, but stylishly attired travellers who get into all manner of scrapes around the globe, whilst back home, a gang of bumbling amateurs in suits attempt to run a regional cricket organisation; with hilarious consequences! Described as “Dad’s Army meets Monty Python meets The Muppets” this slapstick series is sure to run and run. Unlike Chris.

Friday, 25th March One of cricket’s givers, Geoffrey Boycott has for many years dispensed free advice to professional cricketers through television, through regular newspaper columns and, if he happens to know where they live, through their letterboxes. He has been criticised in some quarters for his recent comments on Michael Yardy. But I wonder how many of his critics were aware of his research paper, published in the Lancet in 1994.

Entitled, Pull Theeself Together, Lad: Towards A Cure For Mental Illness, it was based on his time in a psychiatric ward in Barnsley. He discovered that teaching someone with a mental illness to play a proper forward defensive shot slightly increased their chances of opening the batting for England, thereby raising their self-esteem. Similar results were achieved when they were encouraged to wear a panama hat, develop a Yorkshire accent and argue loudly with people on the radio.

Since Dr Boycott’s credentials in this field are impeccable, I think we would all benefit from listening to his thoughts on depression. And his prescription? Be more like Geoffrey and you won’t be depressed. Though your family and friends may be.

Andrew Hughes is a writer currently based in England

Comments have now been closed for this article

  • testli5504537 on September 6, 2011, 16:16 GMT

    Now I'm like, well duh! Truly thanfkul for your help.

  • testli5504537 on September 5, 2011, 22:49 GMT

    Keep these articles coinmg as they've opened many new doors for me.

  • testli5504537 on August 15, 2011, 8:15 GMT

    @Prateek: How exactly was Ponting's gritty century in a lost cause and his subsequent graceful (well, graceful for him) comments in anyway indicative of sore losership? Seriously, if you're going to slander someone you don't like at least put in the effort to get your facts straight.

  • testli5504537 on March 27, 2011, 7:29 GMT

    India will win the world cup because India got talent more than any team in remaining best 4. I am not under estimating others but this is true. Pakistan playing with left out players because of ban on 3 good players, NZ is good but not class-1, Sri lanka is better than Pak, NZ due to spin but India is the mother of spin and SL can't have that magic on india...Indian batting is twice stronger than any other team. But it is a game of luck any thing can happen, I can go with India without any hesitation. India is best when Aus, SA are out of the tournament. If one honestly evaluate he will definitely go with India, the favorite team and country's favour is a different thing...

  • testli5504537 on March 27, 2011, 5:06 GMT

    now its the time to repeat the history as to defeat pakistan then dhoni's luck of one tie match and wins the tournament.........

  • testli5504537 on March 26, 2011, 18:14 GMT

    Kudos to your comments on Boycott...

    Even though he has some cricketing acumen, he sometimes takes his criticism on players too far...

  • testli5504537 on March 26, 2011, 15:19 GMT

    I think that the secret to Dr Boycs success as a mental health expert has a lot to do with English food. You see, English food can most definitely cause depression, but keeping at it, like Boycs has (note the sandwich episode in cwc2011), builds fortitude. If you can handle English food, life's vicissitudes can be dealt with with equanimity.So to summarise, English food is both cause and cure for depression.

  • testli5504537 on March 26, 2011, 12:38 GMT

    Well written as always. The Windies literary efforts bit is excellent.

  • testli5504537 on March 26, 2011, 11:15 GMT

    hilarious."dr. boycott" must be fuming at this masterpiece. andrew i would like you to poke some fun at the sour losers "ponting and smith". they have been humbled

  • testli5504537 on March 26, 2011, 11:05 GMT

    "Not since the publication of JK Rowling’s popular kiddies thriller, Chris Gayle and the Sulk of Doom has there been such excitement in Caribbean literary circles. "

    OMG!!!! Too good :-)

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