England February 11, 2012

All you wanted to know about Saeed Ajmal

Thursday, 9th February What’s the difference between a nuclear fallout and a media fallout*
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Thursday, 9th February What’s the difference between a nuclear fallout and a media fallout*? Well, a nuclear fallout is a deeply unpleasant side effect that lingers interminably, whereas a media fallout is a deeply unpleasant side effect that lingers interminably for which journalists get paid.

Early in the recent series, a few English types tried to launch the Saeed Ajmal crooked arm thing, but like a poorly constructed kite on a windless afternoon, it didn’t really take off, no matter how much they ran with it. In the end it was left to Saeed himself to take pity on the struggling hacks by talking about his special dispensation from the ICC to have a bent arm or something. I forget the details.

And as sure as the doosra follows Ian Bell’s front pad, a little typhoon of tediousness blew up in the desert as journalists and message board trolls desperately tried to fan the infant spark of baby controversy into a toddler-sized blaze. Yesterday, ESPNcricinfo’s own King Cnut, George Dobell, tried valiantly to stand against the waves of silliness by laying out the facts about Saeed’s perfectly legal action.

But no one with newspapers to sell or fellow cricket lovers to annoy is interested in anything as dreary as facts and George’s efforts have not stemmed the tide of preposterous speculation and libellous insanity. So it falls to the Long Handle to sort things out. In no particular order, here are the answers to the questions you wanted to ask, didn’t ask because you were afraid you’d look stupid but then thought, “Ah well, it’s the internet, no one’s looking,” and posted them up anyway.

I heard from the wife of the man who grooms Shoaib Akhtar’s poodle that Saeed Ajmal cannot straighten his right arm as he is half-velociraptor. Is this true?

No. Saeed only spent his summer holidays with the velociraptors who were friends of the family. In fact, he grew up on a ranch in Oklahoma where he developed the kink in his arm from too much vigorous lassoing of cattle as a child.

Ten years ago, in a secret deal with the PCB, the ICC cleared the use of artificial arms with food blender attachments that can impart illegal levels of spin and pace on the ball and, being made of aluminium, never get tired. Is this true?

This is perfectly true, but to date, Mitchell Johnson is the only international cricketer to have incorporated cyborg technology, with mixed results. Engineers are now working on the Midge 2.01, a mechanical arm featuring a safety valve that prevents the bowler from releasing the ball if he’s facing in the wrong direction.

Last August, whilst browsing in the Redditch branch of Sainsbury’s I saw Saeed Ajmal reaching for a tin of pilchards from the top shelf of the tinned produce aisle and I noticed that he completely straightened his arm. Doesn’t this prove beyond reasonable doubt that he is a cheat, albeit a cheat with a high Omega 3 intake?

No. In fact, it is well know that Saeed is allergic to fish, which is why when he was shipwrecked in the Bermuda Triangle with Lady Gaga and the UN Secretary General they were able to sustain themselves by catching sea creatures, whilst our hero lost two kilograms in weight and had to survive by eating pages of Ian Bell’s autobiography. The man you mistook for Saeed was almost certainly Ramiz Raja without the Austin Powers wig that he dons for his celebrity appearances on Sky.

My friend and I were having a disagreement. She thinks the argument about DRS is the most tedious topic of cricket conversation known to humanity, but I’m convinced that the degrees of tolerance debate is so boring it can cause birds to fall out of the sky and fish to commit suicide by banging their heads against the side of their tank just to make it stop. Which of us is right?

You both are.

* Not to be confused with a media falling out, which is what happens when David Gower accidentally treads on Jonathan Agnew’s foot and causes him to tip coffee all over Geoffrey Boycott’s laptop as he’s writing his column for the Whine on Sunday.

Andrew Hughes is a writer currently based in England

Comments have now been closed for this article

  • ucrap on September 15, 2012, 10:25 GMT

    All that wasn,t funny at all!!It didn,t even raised the ratings of your foolish blog!!

  • Omer Khan on February 16, 2012, 7:08 GMT

    Thanks Andrew for your side splitting, hillarious take on Ramiz Raja, without his "Austin Powers" wig.

    I hope more on Ramiz Raja's hairstyle will flow in from all quarters to drive some sense into him about how many seasons ago he has left his macho (???!!!!) days behind him. On second thoughts, I think he does this on purpose, so that people take note of his presence. Wish he could launch his own website giving tips on how to land a job in Sky sports, inspite of a cobweb on your head, which he chooses to refer to as "hairstyle"

    Gr8 job mate !!!! keep them coming in!!!!!

  • prem on February 16, 2012, 4:09 GMT

    awesome

  • Sunil Jambekar on February 14, 2012, 7:18 GMT

    Absolutely hilarious ...

    "Mitchell Johnson is the only international cricketer to have incorporated cyborg technology, with mixed results. Engineers are now working on the Midge 2.01, a mechanical arm featuring a safety valve that prevents the bowler from releasing the ball if he’s facing in the wrong direction."

    This was a piece of cake .... Awesome ... Bring on more ....

  • Srijoy on February 14, 2012, 1:36 GMT

    Brilliant once again! Look forward to your columns more than Zaltzman's.

  • safiullah memon on February 13, 2012, 16:42 GMT

    pak fast ballers should learn from spiners that how to take wickets1

  • Larry Underwood on February 13, 2012, 7:19 GMT

    Couldn't be better, at least it was much better than what those self-proclaimed comic writers from India come up with.

  • haziq on February 12, 2012, 20:47 GMT

    AWESOME!!!!

  • Mohammed Abdul Mohsin on February 12, 2012, 7:12 GMT

    Very Good insight into Mr.Mysterious after specially a lot of blah-blah is being said by Fellow English commentators.

  • Anonymous on February 12, 2012, 7:06 GMT

    well i am still trying to understand

  • ucrap on September 15, 2012, 10:25 GMT

    All that wasn,t funny at all!!It didn,t even raised the ratings of your foolish blog!!

  • Omer Khan on February 16, 2012, 7:08 GMT

    Thanks Andrew for your side splitting, hillarious take on Ramiz Raja, without his "Austin Powers" wig.

    I hope more on Ramiz Raja's hairstyle will flow in from all quarters to drive some sense into him about how many seasons ago he has left his macho (???!!!!) days behind him. On second thoughts, I think he does this on purpose, so that people take note of his presence. Wish he could launch his own website giving tips on how to land a job in Sky sports, inspite of a cobweb on your head, which he chooses to refer to as "hairstyle"

    Gr8 job mate !!!! keep them coming in!!!!!

  • prem on February 16, 2012, 4:09 GMT

    awesome

  • Sunil Jambekar on February 14, 2012, 7:18 GMT

    Absolutely hilarious ...

    "Mitchell Johnson is the only international cricketer to have incorporated cyborg technology, with mixed results. Engineers are now working on the Midge 2.01, a mechanical arm featuring a safety valve that prevents the bowler from releasing the ball if he’s facing in the wrong direction."

    This was a piece of cake .... Awesome ... Bring on more ....

  • Srijoy on February 14, 2012, 1:36 GMT

    Brilliant once again! Look forward to your columns more than Zaltzman's.

  • safiullah memon on February 13, 2012, 16:42 GMT

    pak fast ballers should learn from spiners that how to take wickets1

  • Larry Underwood on February 13, 2012, 7:19 GMT

    Couldn't be better, at least it was much better than what those self-proclaimed comic writers from India come up with.

  • haziq on February 12, 2012, 20:47 GMT

    AWESOME!!!!

  • Mohammed Abdul Mohsin on February 12, 2012, 7:12 GMT

    Very Good insight into Mr.Mysterious after specially a lot of blah-blah is being said by Fellow English commentators.

  • Anonymous on February 12, 2012, 7:06 GMT

    well i am still trying to understand

  • Anonymous on February 12, 2012, 7:03 GMT

    what was that all about...... i will say ... not impressed......

  • ufaquarian on February 12, 2012, 6:54 GMT

    pathetic......u need a sense of humor overhaul

  • Zubair Ali on February 12, 2012, 6:45 GMT

    Now that was a super classy blog! Thoroughly Enjoyable!

  • attiq on February 12, 2012, 5:19 GMT

    very funny,this fellow should do reaserch on english player's weekneses

  • M. Y. Ali on February 12, 2012, 5:17 GMT

    We all have different opinions; i found it funny, "a poorly constructed kite on a windless afternoon", "Engineers are now working on the Midge 2.01", "Saeed Ajmal shipwrecked in the Bermuda Triangle with Lady Gaga". good writing dude.

  • Kanoon on February 12, 2012, 4:42 GMT

    I thing the writer tried to prove that Ajmal Action is legitimate. and I am agree with him... otherwise the article waste my time.

  • Umer Rasheed on February 12, 2012, 4:05 GMT

    What non-sense.

  • Zahid on February 12, 2012, 2:43 GMT

    I like the photo

  • huspanther on February 12, 2012, 2:06 GMT

    guys please...... let saeed play his game ,, i have a feeling the english players are always scared of spin bowling .. any bowler they can't play they will try to find so fault in him.. win or loose its a part of game so take it as it comes.. try to improve your batting guys

  • Sam on February 12, 2012, 1:54 GMT

    The Mitchell Johnson part is hilarious - amongst others!

  • Kieron Azure on February 12, 2012, 0:25 GMT

    Loved that part about Geoff Boycott writing for "Whine on Sunday" Capital! Cyborg Midge- amazing! (Imagined Mitchell Johnson as a Cyborg- enough laughter for a long time!)

  • H KHAN on February 11, 2012, 23:31 GMT

    Do you want us to laugh now? Totally crap article.

  • Chang on February 11, 2012, 22:44 GMT

    Funny :))))

  • thair on February 11, 2012, 22:09 GMT

    I think it is funny, "Ramiz Raja without the Austin Powers wig", Love it

  • Mian Abdur Rehman on February 11, 2012, 21:08 GMT

    Took me a little time to understand every bit of it but indeed its Awesome :)

  • Tahir Ahmad on February 11, 2012, 20:56 GMT

    Brilliant...

  • CricFan on February 11, 2012, 20:55 GMT

    Comment about Ramiz was quite funny; however, I believe some of your readers may think it is true. As far as I know he is carrying that bird nest since childhood and he needs a hair cut now more than ever especially when he is appearing alongside the guy with a classy cut i.e. Mr. Nasser Hussein.

  • sanjhype on February 11, 2012, 20:52 GMT

    it's a bit funny but it's not

  • Bilal on February 11, 2012, 19:29 GMT

    What a beautiful sense of humor. ANdrew, you are the BEST!! i loved every word of it.. thx for making me laugh...

  • sunny on February 11, 2012, 19:08 GMT

    seems like every ones getting pissed of or may be jealous by the saeed ajmal's inventions..the context near to me of this article. :)

  • azwer on February 11, 2012, 18:41 GMT

    great one!!

  • Nadeem on February 11, 2012, 18:26 GMT

    Great satire. I see early shades of John Stewart/ J. K. Rowling☺

    Keep’em coming Chief

  • Houston on February 11, 2012, 18:03 GMT

    I heard there is something wrong in Younis Khan and Azhar ALI ,s batting action. I believe it is illeagal to score hundreds when no one else was doing it. Is it true?

  • Usman on February 11, 2012, 17:58 GMT

    hahaha... luvd it.. most funny article i hv evr read... amazing

  • Topher on February 11, 2012, 17:42 GMT

    Awesome!

  • zahid khan on February 11, 2012, 17:41 GMT

    Well i see different response for this article. Some like it, some not (ian bell mayb). But its about taking a situation and milking as much humor as possible and i guess ur pretty good milk man.

  • yasintha on February 11, 2012, 17:21 GMT

    No need to talk about the writing.But in the photo,Ajmal looks like a clown! his nose is covered by the red ball.Ajmal is a superb finding by the PCB.All the best!!!

  • Shakil on February 11, 2012, 8:54 GMT

    awesomeeeeeeeee :))))))))))

  • Javed Siddiqui on February 11, 2012, 8:41 GMT

    very funny indeed... m lovin it..

  • Khan on February 11, 2012, 8:34 GMT

    That my friend was..... not funny at all.

  • saad on February 11, 2012, 8:31 GMT

    totally crap ... wasted my time reading this :@

  • tokekar on February 11, 2012, 8:31 GMT

    Midge 2.01. Incredible thinking.

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  • tokekar on February 11, 2012, 8:31 GMT

    Midge 2.01. Incredible thinking.

  • saad on February 11, 2012, 8:31 GMT

    totally crap ... wasted my time reading this :@

  • Khan on February 11, 2012, 8:34 GMT

    That my friend was..... not funny at all.

  • Javed Siddiqui on February 11, 2012, 8:41 GMT

    very funny indeed... m lovin it..

  • Shakil on February 11, 2012, 8:54 GMT

    awesomeeeeeeeee :))))))))))

  • yasintha on February 11, 2012, 17:21 GMT

    No need to talk about the writing.But in the photo,Ajmal looks like a clown! his nose is covered by the red ball.Ajmal is a superb finding by the PCB.All the best!!!

  • zahid khan on February 11, 2012, 17:41 GMT

    Well i see different response for this article. Some like it, some not (ian bell mayb). But its about taking a situation and milking as much humor as possible and i guess ur pretty good milk man.

  • Topher on February 11, 2012, 17:42 GMT

    Awesome!

  • Usman on February 11, 2012, 17:58 GMT

    hahaha... luvd it.. most funny article i hv evr read... amazing

  • Houston on February 11, 2012, 18:03 GMT

    I heard there is something wrong in Younis Khan and Azhar ALI ,s batting action. I believe it is illeagal to score hundreds when no one else was doing it. Is it true?