February 14, 2014

The Ballad of the Unsold Englishman

A representative of an unfairly ignored constituency gives vent in verse

"I mean, what is wrong with you people?" © Getty Images

Look, I am not saying that paying so much for him is a crime

But surely Yuvi is slightly beyond his prime?

Why not spend much less on a fully fit foreigner-wink wink

Who can pose for fairness cream, underwear or energy drink?

So come on Mr Mallya, why not pick up your paddle

And put an Englishman with experience in the RCB saddle?

Just FYI, I have a certificate in Bollywood dance

Imagine the opportunities for cross-marketing this will enhance

Of course I fully understand the logic in picking Finch

But is explosive batting enough if a cup you want to clinch?

VVS Laxman, why not classily glance in this direction

And complement Finch's fury with a prime West Midlands selection?

What I love about India is the ancient culture on every street

I am not a neo-colonial firang who complains about food and heat.
Who is Ben Cutting? Never heard of the little shit
Just checked his Cricinfo profile. One T20 wicket! Typical Aussie tit

Come on Shilpa Shetty, you can do better than that guy!

Hum press conference main thoduh thoduh Hindi bohl sucktah hai

Pujara? Really? I don't need your stupid league

Glamorgan will gladly have me back. Fed up of this intrigue

LOL! Yusuf Pathan just got purchased by the Kolkata team

Don't ask me why, maybe in Kolkata winning is too mainstream?

Look Ms Chawla, you need to step back a bit,
And see if you are overlooking an obvious overseas hit?

So I have 95% decided to try county cricket again

The IPL's loss could well turn out to be English cricket's gain

Who knows, maybe the national selectors will give me a look

Added bonus? I avoid the heat, food, corruption and Shastri (puke)

Hey Delhi Daredevils, congrats on that Dinesh Karthik coup
Can you pass me whatever you are smoking, and a lighter too?

Chennai has bought Nehra for two crores

Chennai has bought Nehra for two crores

Chennai has bought Nehra for two crores

!@£$ you, IPL auction

Sidin Vadukut is a columnist and editor with Mint, and the author of the Dork trilogy