Inside the ICC's Limb Re-education Unit

Thanks to the recent outbreak of Chuckitis in the cricket community, the ICC's Limb Re-education Unit in Dubai has been busier than ever. But exactly what goes on at this top-secret establishment? In an effort to dispel myths and reassure cricket fans, the ICC has released a short public information film:

Narrator: Here at the ICC, we want cricket to be clean. We don't want any cricketer to experience the stigma of being labelled a chucker. That's why any player under suspicion is immediately referred, for his own good, to our-state-of-the-art facility in downtown Dubai.

Narrator: From the moment he arrives, the anxious player is put at his ease by our friendly welcome.

Narrator: Once inside, the new arrival is safely gagged and manacled, and introduced to Dr Kink, the world-renowned Chuckologist.

Cut to an enthusiastic, moustachioed man in a white coat.

Dr Kink: Hello there! I am Dr Gustav Kink, head of Elbow Rectification at the ICC's Limb Re-education Unit. I am here to explain what goes on at the Unit, and why you, the general public, should not be worried. Unless your arm bends when you bowl, in which case, you should be very worried indeed. Ha ha ha!

Cut to Dr Kink walking down a gloomy corridor.

Dr Kink: Some people say that chuckers are evil. They are not evil. They are just morally unwell. Some of them have grown up with no decent role models. Perhaps they had a father or an uncle who bowled with a crooked arm. For some of them, it is a compulsion. They want to chuck. They need to chuck. They start off with 16 degrees, then 17 degrees, but it's never enough, they always need a bigger bend.

Dr Kink is interrupted by an agonised screaming.

Dr Kink: Excuse me one moment.

He opens a nearby door.

Dr Kink: Mr Hafeez, please keep the noise down, we have visitors!

Hafeez: Help! I am being held against my will! These people are monsters!

Dr Kink closes the door and bolts it shut.

Dr Kink: Mr Hafeez is one of our newer patients. He is making remarkable progress.

Dr Kink: For many chuckers, a glimpse of the instruments of alignment is enough to convince them to reform. For others, there must be different means of treatment.

Cut to a cosy study lined with cricket books.

Dr Kink: We call this the gentle persuasion booth. The prisoner- I mean, the patient, is invited to pull up a cosy armchair. He is served tea and Yorkshire fruitcake, we put on a little mournful brass band music, and then we invite Mr Dickie Bird MBE, to have a chat with him. After an hour or two with Uncle Dickie, the wrongdoer is usually overcome with remorse for having betrayed cricket, and breaks down in tears, repenting of his sins.

Cut to an uncomfortably close shot of Dr Kink's face.

Dr Kink: Of course, this doesn't work for everyone.

Cut to a room with a dentist's chair and a projector screen.

Dr Kink: For the most deviant cases, and as a last resort, we follow the guidelines in A Clockwork Orange. The recalcitrant chucker is strapped into this chair, his eyelids held open with silicone tape, and he is then forced to watch and listen to the most appalling, degrading sights and sounds, interspersed with photos of bent bowling arms.

Narrator: Can you give us an idea of some of the things they are exposed to?

Dr Kink: Well over the years, we've tried a number of different combinations. But scientists have demonstrated conclusively that the greatest effect in the shortest space of time can be obtained by playing Ravi Shastri's commentary whilst showing close-up photos of Michael Vaughan taken from his nude charity calendar, Michael: The Full Monty.

Narrator: That sounds horrific. Does it work?

Dr Kink: It is 100% effective. After a week, no human being is able to even contemplate the idea of a bent arm without hearing Mr Shastri, seeing a naked Mr Vaughan, and feeling a little queasy. They will never bend their arms again.

Narrator: Doesn't this inability to flex their arms make it hard for them to reintegrate into society?

Dr Kink: It's true that one of two our ex-chuckers have reported some difficulty with certain aspects of daily life, such as, for example, cleaning their teeth. But we think that poor dental hygiene is a price worth paying to keep our game straight.

Cut to footage of Kane Williamson trying to eat a sandwich whilst not bending his arm and Sachithra Senanayake scalding himself in the face whilst trying to drink a cup of tea.

Narrator: So, thanks to the efforts of Dr Kink and his dedicated team of ICC sadists, the ordinary cricket fan knows that no stone will be left unturned, no limb left un-tortured until we have rooted out the evil of bowlers whose arms are a bit more bent than normal.