Innings defeat? Look on the bright side
A dossier from the ECB's positivity guru, sent to Andy Flower, advises England to keep their chins up no matter what
Alex Bowden
02-Nov-2010
"...Or I could try and see if all this whisky will go in your ear" • Getty Images
From what I'm reading in the newspapers, things are going well. The team has a sunny disposition and is taking positives where there manifestly aren't any. They're looking on an Ashes tour as being a great experience. Jonathan Trott's looking forward to getting sledged by the Aussies. Stuart Broad can't wait to get some stick off the crowd. I can see that Team England are operating at optimum levels of self-deception.
This is excellent, but most of the challenges are still ahead of us, so I wanted to give you some advice about a few situations you're likely to encounter during the tour. If you confront any of these issues, you'll need to know how you should respond immediately. A false step could lead to negativity in the camp, and negativity spreads like Mark Cosgrove's waist.
Lost baggage
You'll be taking a lot of internal flights while you're in Australia and the baggage handlers might target you. The team shouldn't be disheartened by the loss of their personal belongings. Tell them that it is a clear sign that the Australians are feeling the pressure. Every missing jockstrap is therefore a step towards success.
You'll be taking a lot of internal flights while you're in Australia and the baggage handlers might target you. The team shouldn't be disheartened by the loss of their personal belongings. Tell them that it is a clear sign that the Australians are feeling the pressure. Every missing jockstrap is therefore a step towards success.
Injuries
This is an easy one. You know this one already, but it's worth emphasising. Injuries are opportunities. Lose four pace bowlers to hernias and broken bones and four different pace bowlers get chances to win the Ashes for England.
This is an easy one. You know this one already, but it's worth emphasising. Injuries are opportunities. Lose four pace bowlers to hernias and broken bones and four different pace bowlers get chances to win the Ashes for England.
An innings defeat
We learn from our mistakes. Make a lot of mistakes and we will have learnt a lot. What will Australia have learnt by winning so easily? Nothing. Their batsmen will only have batted once as well, meaning they could be out of nick for the next Test.
We learn from our mistakes. Make a lot of mistakes and we will have learnt a lot. What will Australia have learnt by winning so easily? Nothing. Their batsmen will only have batted once as well, meaning they could be out of nick for the next Test.
Disharmony in the camp
Arguments show that people care. If Matt Prior takes Alastair Cook by the throat, it won't really be about Cook's incessant nervous humming driving everyone to distraction, it'll be because Prior cares so much about winning the Ashes. If a tea break in the second Test descends into a full squad brawl, you're almost certain to win the series.
Arguments show that people care. If Matt Prior takes Alastair Cook by the throat, it won't really be about Cook's incessant nervous humming driving everyone to distraction, it'll be because Prior cares so much about winning the Ashes. If a tea break in the second Test descends into a full squad brawl, you're almost certain to win the series.
A losing streak
Positive momentum is good, but so is negative momentum. The more negative momentum you generate, the higher you will bounce back. Stands to reason.
Positive momentum is good, but so is negative momentum. The more negative momentum you generate, the higher you will bounce back. Stands to reason.
A long day in the field
I dunno. Character building, maybe? You need the bad days to truly appreciate the good days, and you need to appreciate the good days so that you truly strive for them. That sounds credible. Let's go with that.
I dunno. Character building, maybe? You need the bad days to truly appreciate the good days, and you need to appreciate the good days so that you truly strive for them. That sounds credible. Let's go with that.
A batting collapse
Er, first innings, you could say it shows there's plenty in the wicket. Second innings, you, er, well... I guess you could squeeze in an extra practice day... Practice makes perfect and all that.
Er, first innings, you could say it shows there's plenty in the wicket. Second innings, you, er, well... I guess you could squeeze in an extra practice day... Practice makes perfect and all that.
Lost mobile phone
Andy, seriously, don't let this happen. Some of the guys will totally flip out if they lose their phones. They use them for everything. If one of the players loses his phone, call me immediately. I'll arrange for him to leave under cover of night without any of the other players finding out about it.
Andy, seriously, don't let this happen. Some of the guys will totally flip out if they lose their phones. They use them for everything. If one of the players loses his phone, call me immediately. I'll arrange for him to leave under cover of night without any of the other players finding out about it.
Overdone boiled eggs at breakfast
There's no positive here. There's simply no point looking for one. If Jimmy Anderson's toast soldier flexes upon contact with the yolk, you'd better clear the area because he will call down the thunder and you do not want to get caught in that storm.
There's no positive here. There's simply no point looking for one. If Jimmy Anderson's toast soldier flexes upon contact with the yolk, you'd better clear the area because he will call down the thunder and you do not want to get caught in that storm.
Alex Bowden blogs at King Cricket. The "facts" in this article are all made up (but you already knew that, didn't you?)